So my partner is amazing, however because of past experiences, she’s not sexually motivated at all. When it comes to having sex, she enjoys it and we connect, but she doesn’t initiate sex at all (pressure number 1).
My issue comes and goes. For months, everything works fine, no problems. Then all of a sudden… boom. One occasion of not working, it persists in not working. I TELL myself “it’s not going to work”.
We had a good discussion about it yesterday, and she’s very supportive. Things that worry me are:
- She doesn’t like foreplay to be just for her, she’s finds it awkward. She’s also not one for giving foreplay either.
- She doesn’t want to just aimless play with a soft penis for nothing to happen.
Both of these points I completely understand, however, it concerns me because sometimes that’s what triggers me to get aroused. She’s also said that we could try doing nothing apart from just enjoying earth others body’s and see if anything happens. Now I’m getting worried that I’ll never have sex with here again! She literally lay in bed with nothing on, and I’m massaging her whole body, but nothing! It’s like no pulse and it’s so frustrating!
The positive is that I know that it will work again, but I just want to break this stupid cycle so that I’m not in my own head. She’s really good and says the right things, but at the end of the day… we just want intimacy and I feel like I can’t. I just hope this program works.
2 Likes
Can she reframe it so that exploring and playing with each other’s bodies extends to your soft penis? I can absolutely relate to what you’re saying. I can’t get hard from just exploring each other’s body too. I need direct stimulation.
1 Like
Yeah it a good thought. Her love language is definitely not touch, it just makes things harder (ironically) because I need something from her, but it’s just not natural for her
What is making you lose it ? As in what is your mind telling you?
Does she realize that Softee play is still
Pleasurable??
1 Like
I feel like I am in a very similar situation as you, and unfortunately, I can not give you a perfect solution. I can just tell you about my experience.
The problem for my wife is that she simply does not get aroused if my penis isn’t hard. This puts pressure on me, leading to ED. Ideally a couple can manage to engage in great intimacy without relying on erections but so far this has not worked well for me and my wife.
As with you, I encounter these issues in phases. During good phases we have awesome sex regularly. Bad phases are usually triggered by bad experiences where I can not get or stay hard, she says that she wants to stop and I get extremely disappointed. This then triggers a vicious cycle that is hard to escape. We have had such a phase recently and it lasted for almost 4 months, involving multiple such bad experiences. However, a week ago we finally seem to have gotten over it and started having good sex again. It was such a relief.
I think the most important thing is that we should not get in our heads too much if we have a bad experience, in order to not start that vicious cycle. Such bad experiences happen. Just shake it off. You need to believe and be confident that it will get better again and develop strategies to deal with the negative thoughts whenever they arise. I know very very well that this is easier said than done, but this is the mindset that seems to has helped me the most.
3 Likes
It doest work on one occasion, so my mind tells me next time “it’s not going to work”, then I get into my head. it’s so frustrating
Yes sounds very similar. She doesn’t pressure me but at the same time, it takes a lot for her to get into the mood, so it’s almost like a waste of her time if that makes sense? She hasn’t said it as such, but as she’s not sexually inclined, it just feels like a wasted opportunity
Same here. Nowadays it takes long foreplay for her to get into the mood, sometimes 30mins or longer.
She is not explicitly pressuring me and is also comforting me etc. She would never admit it, but it is just obvious that whether we end up having more than just cuddling/kissing depends on my erection. If my dick is soft and I try to go down on her or something she declines and I also wouldn’t want to if she doesn’t want, of course. I think she is trying her best to get into the mood without my erection, but I think her situation is also similar to mine in some sense. She puts pressure on herself to be aroused and that in fact makes things worse.
My goal for now is to find a way to deal with that pressure and not be super depressed when it does not work, so that I can bounce back quickly. The app has helped me a lot with this btw.
Seriously pursuing sensate focus would be another option, but I just don’t like it, to be honest. It would probably work eventually, but it feels harder for me than what I am trying now.
This sounds quite familiar. Ultimately, the most arousing thing is your partner’s desire - at least, I find it so. Recently my wife went on HRT, and for some reason it boosted her libido massively, so that for a few weeks it was like being on honeymoon again. Then she got Covid and the twice-a-day lovefest went on pause… and then when we tried to restart, that’s why my ED kicked in.
It sounds like your girlfriend hasn’t really found what turns her on - or else suffers from the female equivalent of ED? Maybe your two psychological blockers are reinforcing each other?
Its one of the greatest hardships of men. But i simply tell myself that it doesn’t have to be this way.
1 Like
She’s just not that way inclined, however, little win yesterday is that she was quite open to me just exploring her body and things started to happen. The meditation really helped me so this positive experience will really help that little voice in my head