Guys I’ve had an epiphany about my relationship to pleasure, in a broad sense, not just sexual pleasure.
When it comes to the self- and solitary administration of pleasure (a good wank, a good meal, rewatching my favourite movie, coding a nifty piece of programming), I am pretty good at allowing myself to enjoy this.
But when it comes to team-based pleasure, I will only allow myself to enjoy the REWARD mental process, in exchange for providing. Like I get the reward hormones firing up, because I provided. I help the colleagues fix a problem, I’ll enjoy the pride. I give my girl an earth-shaking orgasm with finger and tongue technique, same deal: mental reward. And all this time, I’m flaccid. Taking physical pleasure is out of the question.
And here lies the problem. Sex is a body thing. If I allow myself pleasure only in the form of mental reward during partnered sex, no wonder I don’t feel sexual stimulated: that’s what is forbidden in my playbook. Go get an erection without letting yourself enjoy sexy touch…
Anyway digging into this, I came to a formulation that feels right. I’m not permitting myself to WANT, in the cases of partnered interaction, and even less so for sex.
But my god, do I want! Since I’ve been with my girl, I’ve felt more or less non-stop horny. Up until the point where a sexual encounter begins and then boom, mental lock.
So, it is time to pursue an experiment. That of checking with myself and determining what I want when it comes to sex with her, in an extremely practical manner. Things like “I want to hug her from behind and feel her prefect ass pressing against my dick”. And by god, I will go out of my way to turn these wants into reality - strictly within the bounds of consent of course. Prove myself that my wants can be acted upon, and that they can be welcomed enthusiastically. Create new data to feed my brain that wanting is okay, and that doing something about it is also okay. I will allow myself to take the pleasure I want, learn to accept it, and this will be a good stepping stone towards the next chapter: showing myself to receive pleasure that is gifted by my partner.
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I can resonate with this, and you put my thoughts into words so thank you for sharing this.
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this is so relevant to me too. i have had this realization before, that i always take a step back and put others first at my own expense. but i kind of havent really connected the dots like that in the context of sex…
so thanks for sharing and opening my eyes to it!
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I’m kind of like the same. I feel like i’m happy if people around me are happy. I can only focus on myself if i’m alone.
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This is so helpful, thank you for sharing
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I used to have earth-shattering sex with my partner in beginning, but as mental, emotional and manipulative roller-coaster 
rides seems to feel I’ve fallen out of love and it saddens me to think that he thinks there’s still a chance.
Sometimes, we can use such thoughtless, emotionally demoralising and slanderous terms that whatever frayed threads were being grasped at have far been discarded. I’m more fearful of the yelling and the effect it’ll have on my puppy, far more than any it’ll have on me
I have strength to stand up for myself, but when I hear my 16 yr old puppy’s unconditionally loving little heart, just break, no matter how much I keep quiet the yelling just gets worse
But he says that he loves her more than me, gives her a treat and asks, “who’s your favourite”, yes I am.
Sorry to unload, but had to get it off my chest to ppl who aren’t influenced by the scenario
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That’s so rough… thank you for sharing this with us, Penguin. I don’t really know what to say and am stumped when it comes to giving suggestions to fix the situation, but we hear and see you. Keep safe and give a pet to your puppy from us all.
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Dude. This is how I feel!!! I appreciate you sharing and I completely agree with your experiment. In a sense I’m going to be greedy next time and see what happens.
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This is such a great break through and I’m really glad you were able to come to this conclusion. Definitely relates to me as well, I have some confidence issues in my performance so I’m usually spending more time overthinking that I’m doing the right thing and giving her pleasure, that I’m not even really allowing myself to enjoy the experience on my end. Congrats on a huge step forward!
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“I’ve felt more or less non-stop horny. Up until the point where a sexual encounter begins and then boom, mental lock.” This is exactly how I feel too! It’s like playing around with ideas and fantasies is fun until it gets down to actually having to do something about it - then the pressure shuts it all down. I really like your strategy of intentionally pursuing what you want.
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Would love to talk more about this
Thank you for sharing this, I can see myself in this to the tee.