I hear a lot about problems others face regarding premature ejaculation or not being able to stay hard while having sex. To some people my problem sounds like it’s a good thing to have. I can’t cum! It’s so frustrating! My woman gets very upset about it. No matter how I try to explain it and tell her it has nothing to do with her, she always feels like a failure and I’m just not into her. It’s become a serious problem. Recently I have been able to reach orgasm but only through oral, and not just an orgasm… I’m talking explosion where it feels like 10-15 pumps of my stuff escapes. I’m 52 and my woman is 40. She’s still not happy because I can’t cum through being inside her. Help
I have the same issue. I love the sex, I’m fully into it, but I just can’t get there. It’s frustrating because my partners have assumed that I am not into them when the reality is I adore them and love the sex, I just can’t cum.
I’m so surprised this post hasn’t had more replies. I have had the same issue for as long as I can remember and it seems to get worse as I age. And insult to injury, when I finally orgasm it’s often not very intense and it leaves me feeling cheated. I try to remind myself that the journey is the point, not the orgasm, and that I don’t need to climax every time. But being gay and very sexual active, including in group scenes, I get so jealous of guys who can orgasm multiple times. One guy I was with came FIVE TIMES in two hours. With A LOT of cum. Like, how does that even happen?! No wonder I end up comparing myself and getting performance anxiety, that’s just unrealistic for me.
Same problem here when I’m with a partner. I can still have really intense orgasms jerking off.
This problem has really gotten to the point this past year I don’t even expect an orgasm when having sex with a partner. And they are usually disappointed.
It feels over the top frustrating. I find myself fulfilling some of my greatest fantasies, and/or having really emotionally connected sex with the most beautiful man I know and then we just have to stop at some point because they have cum and I won’t.
Do any of the Mojo phases get into this issue? Sometimes it’s a worse anxiety point in my mind than erection quality. Or does anyone have articles/books/resources I can check out about it? I’d love to dig deeper on it.
Grace from Mojo here!
There are several different theories for why delayed ejaculation (struggling to cum) can happen. None of the theories is very well supported empirically and, instead, they’re based on expert observation and understanding of the systems behind arousal and ejaculation.
This is a real shame because some estimates suggest that 6% of men under 50 experience delayed or absent ejaculation (Di Sante et al., 2016). So it’s certainly not rare and deserves more research behind it, especially as it can be so frustrating.
I hope that one day Mojo can lead the research into this and can have clearer answers for folks looking to overcome DE.
But, for now, let’s share some of the helpful pointers that exist today.
First off, as with all sexual issues, it’s really important to check for any physical problem with a doctor and explore whether any medications or recreational drugs could play a part.
Once you’re in the clear there, then you can try out psychosexual approaches to see if any work for you.
I think this paper is a particularly helpful round-up of ideas bucketed into four broad causes:
Althof, S. E. (2012). Psychological interventions for delayed ejaculation/orgasm. International journal of impotence research, 24(4), 131-136.
Key takeaways from the paper:
Possible cause 1: Insufficient stimulation (mental or physical)
Solution ideas: Vibrator and toy stimulation, enhance mental arousal, pelvic thrusting
Courses on Mojo that can help: Masturbate your way to better erections, Fantasy training, Boost your libido, Sex skills, Power up your pelvic floor
Possible cause 2: Idiosyncrantic masturbation (being used to very specific stimulation)
Solution ideas: Masturbatory retraining, realignment of fantasies
Courses on Mojo that can help: Masturbate your way to better erections, Sensate focus to make sex stress free
Possible cause 3: Outgrowth of psychic conflict (fear, performance anxiety, unwillingness, etc.)
Solution ideas: Sensate focus, psychotherapy
Courses on Mojo that can help: Break the vicious cycle of spectatoring, Silence self-criticism, Control your inner critic, Reprogram negative thoughts, Sensate focus to make sex stress free
Possible cause 4: Disguised subtle desire disorder masquerading as DE (your body is ready enough for sex, but you’re not sufficiently genuinely aroused so you don’t climax)
Solution ideas: Change focus to self-pleasure rather than performing and pleasing
Courses on Mojo that can help: Confidence: Own your masculinity, Sex skills (especially the section for receiving pleasure!), Fantasy training
I wonder if one or more of the possible causes resonate with you? Let me know what you’re thinking
Thanks for all this info, very helpful.
@grace-mojo Thats an awesome summary. Thank you for sharing this model it gives me lots to think about. Not really sure which bucket I fit into - maybe a mixture of a couple if I think about them on continuums.
This was really helpful. I feel like I fit into causes 2, 3, AND 4