I’ve been with the same woman for 20 years. The last 3 years sex was almost nonexistent. I retreated to my happy place of video games and hanging with friends. Well about a year ago a female friend took advantage of a drunken night, a night I don’t remember. We stayed friends with no intimacy for a year after but eventually grew into an affair that lasted 6 months. She wanted me to leave my 20 year partner and be with her but I couldn’t decide fast enough. Now my affair has ended and moved on and I can’t seem to get full erections with my wife and when I do get close, I ejaculated very quick and without enjoying the experience. Am I cooked? I know I did something wrong but I don’t feel like the bad guy. And I miss my affair. Maybe I am bad.
In my personal morals, whether your action was bad depends massively on why you guys have been sexless for 3 years. Which one of you was responsible for that? If your wife had been denying sex from you, despite you asking for it, then it is completely understandable that you end up cheating. On the other hand, if you have let yourself go physically and have been neglecting her, then it’s pretty shitty of you to cheat. Maybe it is a combination of both, and then it gets complicated.
Regardless, what’s done is done. I am guessing that your ED is mainly due to perceived guilt (but I am not sure). Obviously, you have to decide whether you can deal with the guilt and carry on or whether you tell her. In my limited understanding of ethics, the answer depends on (assuming that she will never find out about your affair) whether you are a consequentialist or a deontologist. A deep philosophical question that people have been divided on for centuries.
In summary, it is not an easy question that only you yourself can answer. You should think deeply, rationally and emotionally, about what you think is right.
Sounds like you need to own what you did. Would your partner leave if she found out? Is asking for forgiveness not an option.
My partner said once to me that if you are not having sex with your guy someone else will. In a case of relationships don’t judge anyone because there is always more to the story and there is a reason why it happened. That said, If you think the affair is seriously affecting your relationship. I think you should consider coming clean. I have been in a few long term relationships and I believe it is the best thing although it may be hard to do. Life is too short to keep going through a sexless or loveless relationship when you are not happy.