I’ve been with the same woman for 20 years. The last 3 years sex was almost nonexistent. I retreated to my happy place of video games and hanging with friends. Well about a year ago a female friend took advantage of a drunken night, a night I don’t remember. We stayed friends with no intimacy for a year after but eventually grew into an affair that lasted 6 months. She wanted me to leave my 20 year partner and be with her but I couldn’t decide fast enough. Now my affair has ended and moved on and I can’t seem to get full erections with my wife and when I do get close, I ejaculated very quick and without enjoying the experience. Am I cooked? I know I did something wrong but I don’t feel like the bad guy. And I miss my affair. Maybe I am bad.
In my personal morals, whether your action was bad depends massively on why you guys have been sexless for 3 years. Which one of you was responsible for that? If your wife had been denying sex from you, despite you asking for it, then it is completely understandable that you end up cheating. On the other hand, if you have let yourself go physically and have been neglecting her, then it’s pretty shitty of you to cheat. Maybe it is a combination of both, and then it gets complicated.
Regardless, what’s done is done. I am guessing that your ED is mainly due to perceived guilt (but I am not sure). Obviously, you have to decide whether you can deal with the guilt and carry on or whether you tell her. In my limited understanding of ethics, the answer depends on (assuming that she will never find out about your affair) whether you are a consequentialist or a deontologist. A deep philosophical question that people have been divided on for centuries.
In summary, it is not an easy question that only you yourself can answer. You should think deeply, rationally and emotionally, about what you think is right.
Sounds like you need to own what you did. Would your partner leave if she found out? Is asking for forgiveness not an option.
My partner said once to me that if you are not having sex with your guy someone else will. In a case of relationships don’t judge anyone because there is always more to the story and there is a reason why it happened. That said, If you think the affair is seriously affecting your relationship. I think you should consider coming clean. I have been in a few long term relationships and I believe it is the best thing although it may be hard to do. Life is too short to keep going through a sexless or loveless relationship when you are not happy.
I don’t want to come clean, not yet anyways. Maybe eventually.
She might stay. But I might not want to. I’m nervous of what opening that door could mean. Right now she’s happy and I don’t want to ruin it.
I’d say it started with her, there was just no more initiative and too many excuses. Personal fitness was actually improving before the dry spell, and I was making more money, albeit in a less exciting job. I tried not to neglect her, always helping around the house. But I could never do it to her satisfaction which made me retreat even more. Now I was sexless and constantly criticized. My affair hasn’t reignited Physically, but we’ve been talking more. She wants to be #1. Even said she wants my child now. My wife is a “maybe” on a kid and we’re in our late 30s. Although she has lightened up a lot more, messaging more throughout the day. Doing acts of service (which I’ve never asked for or expected of her or anyone) she just seems to be more present, which makes it hard to think about leaving her again. I’m still trying to think of the bigger picture with the least amount of damage but I can’t help thinking about my affair and how much I miss her and want to help her and be her best friend