I know it's psychological

[slippery-rose-elephant]

Ever since I started being sexually active (around 19) I’ve had performance anxiety before or during sex. I had several one night stands but couldn’t get hard, I thought perhaps it was drinking alcohol on a night out but turns out it wasn’t the root cause. It was difficult for me and my inner critic was in over-drive. I went to the doctor and was prescribed Viagra (or Sildenafil). I tried this and it did work for me, but I didn’t want to rely on it. Even Viagra seemed like not the solution, as sometimes I couldn’t come at all, which is almost as bad because the woman feels she’s hasn’t been good enough to make me come, in a similar way that not being hard is considered not being attractive enough for me. ‘What’s wrong?’

I entered a long-term relationship soon after and after a time my issues mostly went away, I didn’t need the pill. However once that relationship ended I was back at square one. I’ve known porn is not great so have been trying to stop altogether, mostly can do it with some lapses. I tried things such as never uttering ‘sorry’ but just saying I need time. Or I deflect and blame alcohol (If i’ve had a drink) when I don’t think that is the major player

I’m only casually dating now and I feel I can’t really be comfortable enough with a new partner to not need something. Even the Viagra doesn’t seem to be working as well. I also have a problem with condoms, my ex-gf was on the pill so I didn’t use them and when I do now, I’m thinking I could be soft by the time I get it on. I also think my sex drive is lower now (30 y/o) as I get far fewer occurances of morning wood these days. There was a girl lately that I knew from a few years ago and spent a few days with her - I was honest with her and after a couple of days I felt I could do a little better without medication, but still not enough.

The fact I was OK when in a relationship but struggling with new partners means I know it’s psychological. I also do all the right things physically (exercise, don’t smoke, don’t take drugs etc)

It’s only my first day here so looking forward to giving this a real go.

[geographical-aquamarine-sailfish]

Same deal for me. New partner always brings out my anxiety, once I’m regular with someone it tends to go away.

[spatial-fuchsia-ermine]

Same, being regular en feeling comfortable helps a lot. I also think this program is going to help a lot. I’ve also nog been here long, but so far I believe in the method, even though k have not been able to ‘test’ it out yet.

And about the not coming, i really do think that is a mindset you need to change. A lot Woman are not able to cum regularly, but they can still enjoy sex. And. You just have to believe that (cause it’s probably true) and you can say that to the woman as well. And don’t go mind-reading thinking what she thinks. And even if she does think that after you told her you did enjoy… Well, that seems like her problem not yours

[elated-crimson-salamander]

Regarding the performance anxiety element, I’ve had plenty of similar experiences with new partners. It’s tough when you’re young and things are awkward, but you’re 30 now and I think most women of a similar age would much prefer a frank discussion to unspoken awkwardness. Maybe once you’re somewhat comfortable with her, and about to engage in sex, try bringing up the issue. “Hey just so you know, sometimes with a new person I get in my head and can’t stay hard, but it’s definitely not you, I may just need a minute” or something like that. You might find that once it’s out in the open, and expectations are set, you’ll feel free and stay rock hard. Or maybe not and that will be okay too you got this!