Hi, I’m 28 years old and I’ve had the same partner for about a year now. First time we went to have sex I was a complete disaster and couldn’t get an erection. She said she was fine with it. However since then, every time we plan to have sex, my mind goes back to how I felt that day. Inner critic starts saying, “you better do it right this time””she’s expecting you to do it properly” and that pressure takes over, I can’t managed to focus on the moment, and of course, I lose my erection. This only happens with vaginal sex. When we practice oral sex, everything works fine. Even though she’s told me, I’m great, size is great, she loves my penis, I please her, sex isn’t that important; I still feel like I’m a failure because I can’t have proper vaginal sex.
I’m in the same boat man. Everything is usually good until it’s time for penetration— then when I’m in there I keep getting thoughts about staying hard, or wondering if my erection is good enough. I’m trying to focus on breathing and noticing sensations to calm myself down. I think trying the sensate touch method with my partner has been helping a little as well. If I can do a meditation or 2 and kegels throughout the day, with some sensate touch and open communication at night, I’m hoping I can regain the thoughtless erections I had before. Crazy that I’m in the best shape of my life and this is happening, but I am confident that this is the way to reshape my mind to stay hard without the pill.
In the same boat, gents. I know we’ll get there. That’s why we’re here.
Reassuring to hear others are going through the same problems as me.
Silencing the inner critic each day and taking control back 
Same here! During foreplay hard as a rock, but when it’s time for the main event instantly soft. However, something I’ve been experimenting with and having some minor success is doing a mindfulness technique called noting. Basically when you feel those bad thoughts coming on you say in your head “Oh ya, thinking” then let the thought go. It takes some practice, but it helps my everyday distracting thoughts. So I thought I’d try and bring it into the bedroom. It’s helped me sometimes to pull myself out of my head and back into my body.
Thanks so much, I’ll try all those tips. However just knowing that it’s not only me, is a great help. And yes, I wish you all the best in this situation.
I empathise with you. I’ve gone through the same thing for a while but something that’s helped is knowing that penetration is actually some of the least enjoyable sex women have. Now obviously every women is different but most women can’t climax without cliteral stimulation. That just means you have to become really good at oral sex and using your hands. If you see penetration as ‘the main event’ that’s going to inevitably put pressure on you, so the best way forward is to pleasure your partner in the way she’ll actually enjoy the most and to stop thinking sex has to be penis into the vagina and I promise you you’ll feel less stressed about it. Try listen to podcasts with psychosexual therapists, it really changes your perspective on things. Hope this helps