I can't orgasm with my partner but I'm fine solo

I can’t orgasm with my partner but I have no problem when I’m masturbating solo. To clarify, I’m gay and my partner is a man, so I’m not talking about PIV sex, or even anal sex (we’re not into that). I’m talking about jerking off with him lying next to me, or receiving oral.

I’ve been with my partner for 16 years, and for most of those years I performed just fine. Then last year things took a nosedive. We were struggling in our relationship, and I thought that might be the issue, so we’ve been in couples counseling for 6 months. It’s going well, and we’re feeling loving towards each other again. I thought this would resolve my issue, but nope.

I find him hot and sexy and I have no issue getting hard at the beginning, but when I start thinking about climaxing I get in my head (spectatoring) and lose my erection, and then it’s over. He’s understanding and he doesn’t’ take it personally, but it still bothers me. I know it’s psychological because when I’m by myself, I have no problems getting hard, staying hard, and climaxing.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone know what Mojo phases or exercises might help with this specific problem? I’ve completed phases 1 and 2, but they seem to address ED generally and not my specific problem. Or maybe I’m missing something?

Sounds like a tough time, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this crap. There are lots of exercises coming in future modules like reprogramming negative thoughts that will be helpful. I’d encourage you to run the negative thoughts exercise even more than the app suggests. It has been really helpful for me, I actually do it almost every day (I have a lot of negative thoughts lol). There are also meditations in the resource section, and recordings of sex therapy sessions. I found these all immensely helpful. Reading through the community posts has been helpful for me too. Good luck, brother, from one friend of Dorothy to another. <3

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Thanks for your reply, I’ll check out those modules and therapy sessions.

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I found the sensate exercise helpful as well as the box breathing one and have had this issue a lot with any guy I meet up with as a single gay man. I physically could not finish when I had a sense of pressure or unsafe feeling at my core ‘root chakra’ level. Maybe there is a trauma there to explore and talk about (you were not taken care of when vulnerable and instead laughed at, yelled at, mocked or dismissed, for example). I don’t meet up with people who demand I top them or I’m useless anymore. I only meet up with people who are ok with just jerking off, and then if it leads to more than that, I usually have no issues. The gay men who are ‘bottoms’ or just like my dick (which I am objectified for), I avoid even if they’re incredibly hot. It just leads to a service top experience for me and I end up resenting them. Growing up, I had to sacrifice my needs for other people’s to survive and get affection from my mother, and I refuse to do that on a core/root chakra/physical level now that I’m older. I won’t be in any short or long term relationship that involves me overly giving of myself and getting nothing in return. I learned I had to ask for what I want and then accept if they won’t give it, that I have to seek my needs elsewhere. With sexual problems, that has led to ‘active withholding’ out of spite on a core subconscious level. So I have to ask and clarify what I want or move on. In terms of masturbating by myself, this has really improved my sex life there. If I give myself a nice 20 min instead of a 3 min wank, I feel more sexual and fulfilled if partnerless and don’t always need a partner now unless it’s a good fit. I’m more secure in that way now. This is all stuff I had to figure out myself over the years of therapy and this app. This app helped me crystalize my therapy toward the sexual problems I was having, but I don’t think it has all the tools. It is good for a lot of surface issues and starting the self exploration journey.


Thanks for your insightful reply. You gave me a lot to think about. Do you have any other tools / books / practices that helped you along your journey? I’m just getting started.

I feel like a lot of YouTube therapists helped me. It’s a case where the algorithm was not creepy bad and actually helpful. Discernment is necessary though as there are a lot of “he might be a narcissist if” channels which honestly some are sham channels that just create hate toward people (sometimes warranted and sometimes not). I really like Brianna Macwilliam and Thais Gibson attachment theory work, but I have attachment issues. It would depend what you find your issues are.

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