Hey all, I am really struggling on how to approach the conversation of our sex life (or lack of) with my partner. I guess my concern is that is that this is very much seen as my issue…and feeling very uncomfortable with the discussion as a whole
Talking about situations that make one another uncomfortable is not a bad thing. Its a bad thing when you don’t discuss the uncomfortable conversations. Be honest and be good listener to one another. Listening to your partners side and for them to listen to your side always leads to a mutual grounding for the relationship. Its grounds you two back to where you guys need to be. Wether its lack of sex, discussing will bring you two back down at a healthier relationship to where both know eachothers point of view on the situation and from there, willing to work it out.
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I second this. The number one thing I found that started to help me with my ED and PE is talking to my partner. I went months and months not talking about it, and it made things worse. The main reason I didn’t talk about it was because I too, like you, felt like it was my issue, mine to sort out and fix and once I’d fixed it all would be well.
I found it uncomfortable initially but once I’d started and found that it (talking about it) wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, it was easy to keep going.
Importantly, more than talking, is listening to her. Take the time to really listen with the goal of understanding what her thoughts and feelings are about what’s happening, and what she is experiencing.
As a practical tip on how to open the conversation, I started off by saying “so I found this new app…”. I used the fact I’d signed up to Mojo as the jumping off point. I told her about it, and I asked her if she was open to me continuing to share with her what I was learning from the app and what exercises I was doing. It opened the conversation.
I’d also recommend listening to the sexual intelligence therapy sessions in the resources section. There stuff in those episodes about the guy (who is in therapy) taking about it with his wife, how he approached it, and what challenges he faced.
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In my case, she brought it up. It’s difficult when your partner starts the conversation, but you know it’s true and it’s better to accept it. I told her I’ve been having issues for a while. That they have nothing to do with my sexual attraction to her, which is always high. And that I’m conscious about the issues and promised to work on them. And that’s why I’m here.
It is great you are thinking that you need this conversation. You might need a few. I think if your partner sees that you are coming from a caring place and also wanting things to change - they will hopefully feel your good intentions to improve things. Mojo will help you understand more about what is going on, you can then work out a conversation. Ask her if you can make time to talk, un disturbed, not rushed, calm. Write some notes down, you can share that you are using Mojo - that often helps. Reassure them you are wanting to work on things together, this will also have relational stuff going on. Good luck - you’ve got this!
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Thanks all for the advice. This weekend is the plan and gonna try the app as the conversation starter I think!
Cheers