Our sex life has dipped massively over the last couple of years and with that confidence and performance anxiety has kicked in. So much so that I struggle to initiate sex.
How do you lovely people initiate sex?
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For me it tends to start with cuddling and kissing. It’s not too spontaneous if you have to ask for sex so anything that could ignite arousal may lead to sex
I’ve actually avoided sex for years due to ED
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I’ve avoided initiating due to frequent episodes of ED. My wife initiates most times. Would love to hear what other guys are doing. Kissing and cuddling is a great start.
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Hey, so I’ve only had sex once successfully after I first started having ED symptoms at the end of September, but it seems like the one thing that worked for us was setting aside time to go on a special trip just the two of us for two days, and there was a particular sexual situation we decided to try beforehand that we never did before: showering naked together. I had some anxieties about getting it up that day and a few days before but once I was in that situation I was rock hard for about an hour or two. Then we had sex for about that long and it was the best we ever had. It was amazing. I think what mainly caused it was we both had anticipated and sexted about this situation AND it was a NEW sexual situation and was basically very intimate foreplay we tried. I also had avoided porn and ejaculation for about 2 days beforehand. Maybe trying something new and anticipating it with your partner will help man. Good luck! Hope this helps!
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Due to ED and struggles with porn and masterbation, I rarely initiated. My wife was frustrated and I’m going to therapy for porn and last year in December, I decided to just walk around the house naked and for whatever reason that aroused me and my wife. We had the best sex in a long time. Twice that week. I also was taking cialis off and on. I like the idea of getting away for a long weekend or more frequent date nights as well.
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Usually, at some point during the day, either my wife or I will ask if the other person wants to have sex later. There isn’t much spontaneity to it. Occasionally we will spontaneously have sex if we’re both in bed at the same time and start kissing.
The first few times were instigated just by seeing a person, after that a few years gap and because of my masturbation habits sex wasn’t that enjoyable and my girlfriend at that time wasn’t into sex which all together piled on and then in that relationship I started to have erection problems but sex was so sparse that I never really checked up on it and after that I wanted to have sex and nothing worked anymore so at the moment i try to work on me because i get myself out there again.
Once ED happened to me on a couple of occasions it was in my head then and it was just a snowball effect from that point onwards. I felt better once I opened up to my partner about it but i still remained anxious even thinking about instigating anything sexual. I got confident again which lasted a good month but then slowly I began to get anxious again and once ED happened the snowball effect happened again.
What worries me more though, and it would be interesting to hear if anyone else thinks this, during ED cycles I question is it my relationship? Is it I’m not sexually interested anymore… i constantly have to reassure myself that that’s defiantly not the case and it’s just performance anxiety and nothing more. It messes with my head big time man.
I have yo-yo’d with ED for the last couple of years. When I’m in a bad spell, I ask myself all these questions as well. Do I like my wife? Am I not attracted to her anymore? Am I gay? Whereas, during the good spells that stuff just never enters my mind at all. Its all from the anxiety
One way to initiate sex is to “foreshadow” or suggest with signals earlier in the day or evening that clearly suggests you are interested. That way you’re not directly “asking” if your partner wants to have sex, but you are telling them through your body language that YOU DO. For me this means a lot more touching and physicality than under normal circumstances (eg. neck rubs, back rubs, arm massages, a gentle caress of the thigh, holding and massaging hands, etc.). Even verbal compliments send strong signals (eg. “you really look particularly attractive today” or “you’re looking like a scrumptious snack”, etc.). Just being more overtly flirtatious will often set the mood for naturally initiated sex that can be by you, or even just mutually at that point (even better!).