Hitting Rock Bottom

Hit a new low on friday.

Been through the mill and thought I was on the way out of it. (Backstory is on here somwhere)
Went out for few beers, had more than planned but didnt get bladdered, fair to say I had a decent evening.

Came home and my mood took an immediate dip.

Attempted to cut my ring finger off with a carving knife. 95% through, clean through the bone, tendons, arterial bleed, the lot.
Safe to say it was done with intent.

This wasnt premeditated, nor do i recall actually making the cut bar a few snapshots that have been popping into mind.

To be clear this is not a call for help or sympathy from you guy’s, Im getting psychological support and help from friends and family.

Im putting this out there after a conversion i had with my sister in law about how felt in the run up to this incident.

If anybody reading this is feeling low, hopless, sad any multitude of negative emotions. Please talk to somebody, GP is a good start, they take mental health very seriously.

Im not worried about you.

The people im concerned about are the one’s that feel numb, been through the shit and your are ok with it, settled with being in that dark place.

That is not ok.

I didnt know I was going to self harm. No song and dance, it just happened.

What i cant say is “if you are thinking about hurting yourself dont”
Because I wasnt thinking at all.

Life was like being in fog, i was bored, motivation gone, no light at the end of the tunnel, I found absolutely no joy in anything and I had accepted it.
Emotionally I had nothing, for years I have not cried (i have actually tried) or had a release other than frustration.

If you are reading this and it sounds familiar, reach out. Mates are good, but not always great as they listen but dont always hear what you say. There is plenty of services out there, talk before you realise you have hurt yourself.
“Every journey begins with a single step”

Moreover if you know someone who is just ticking the days off with no end in sight, keep an eye on them and if they are willing to talk, dont give them advice or “it will be alright”, you dont know that. Listen, hear whats being said and try to read between the lines. They might be asking for help without saying the words.

For the record. After i did it, the fog lifted, I have found my emotions to some degree, however i feel a lot more needs to come out. It was an extreme reset but it worked. Thats probably the worst thing about it.

Jonny cash said it best
“I hurt myself today, to see if i still feel”

Il be off work for a while so if anyone want to message me direct il be mostly free (still have the kids to sort)

Sorry for the long post

Peace x