Had too many sexual partners and now struggle to find intimacy with long term girlfriend

Hi everyone

I’m 30 years old and have had around ~60 sexual partners. The significant majority were drunken one night stands, and I had ED (delayed ejaculation) for the plurality of those.

I’ve been with the love of my life the last 4 years (my first ‘actual’ girlfriend) but am unable to orgasm without thinking of porn or past sexual partners. It’s always the rougher memories/images that get me to orgasm and I feel like this is blocking me from connecting with my girlfriend and being turned on solely by her / our shared experience.

This feels like emotional cheating, and the longer our sex life struggles the more I’m dreaming/fantasising about past partners and even actually cheating - something that I would never want to do.

Would be grateful if others in my situation could share their experiences!

I feel you on this. It’s a worry. My wife asked me recently, “What are you thinking about during sex?” I asked her and she told me, “When I want to come quickly, I think about people having sex.” I didn’t ask her if one of those people was her, but it made me feel better that I wasn’t so much of an asshole for ever having had similar thoughts.

Regarding “too many” partners, I feel like you’d probably be thinking similar thoughts even if you’d been a virgin before your current partner. It’s the nature of people to want something else than what’s right in front of us. I don’t know that that’s right/wrong, but it’s certainly common from my experience.

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Thanks, appreciate the wisdom. It’s difficult because I want to break out of this cycle but if I do I’ll end up losing my erections for part and that can cause more issues… seems like no easy way out here