So, i am in a relationship with a great girl I love, we have been struggling with my problems foe a few months now, had some spillovers to other parts of relathionship,
She talked me into teling my parents about it, still not sure how i fill about my father knowing about it, its not plesant feeling,
We started couples therapy witch is all fine by me, i love her and want to make her happy… But…
Now the she wants to talk to her parents about us starting terapy and why,
I told hold her I don’t feel ok with them noing abot my ED but that I’ll think about it
Problem is i dont think I’ll ever be fine with it
The idea that her father knows something like that about me before i even had a chance to meet him terrifies me. And shames me.
Im afraid that it wold make even more anxiety dor me, but at the same time i feel bad that she cant be honest with her family.
Doas anione have similar experience, ad how did ir effect them??
She seems to be making this about her and she seems to be running the show even when it is your issue. What does the therapist say about her ideas of sharing your ED with first your parents and then hers?
I don’t see how sharing with the parents, her parents especially is going to help.
- Scenario 1: Bad: I’m not able to bone your daughter.
- Scenario 2: Bad: I am boning your daughter nightly.
Neither one of those images is going to help your relationship with her parents.
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I have to agree - without knowing more, one of the major things for me was the trust that it isn’t discussed outside our relationship. I don’t want to judge the situation but this would make the situation worse for me personally.
I also noted that you haven’t even met him yet. This genuinely feels like an imbalance - you have already agreed to counselling, which is more than many guys would feel safe doing. But again, that’s only going to feel safe because it is in confidence. I can’t possibly see how them knowing would in any way make you feel in control of any sort of balance in your relationship.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the implications of what they share generally given that she is willing to discuss this.
My own feelings aren’t your relationship though, you have to do what you feel is correct for both yourself and you both. All I would say is that it is paramount that you feel like you have some control in how this is handled as it could lead to other areas of your relationship where you don’t stand for what you believe.
How would she feel if the situation was reversed? I think this would be a fair question but it might not go down well…
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Yeh, I’d have to agree with the other replies. There is absolutely no reason for you to be discussing your ED issues with people you aren’t ready to discuss them with, in particular your girlfriend’s parents who you’ve never met.
As someone who has mostly gotten over their ED issues, I can’t stress enough the importance of talking about it. But for me, this was always done one-to-one with people I trusted so that I could have an actual conversation about how I felt and get their own experiences. I would not have been comfortable sharing this in groups, especially with my partner and her parents. I don’t think this would have helped me.
While obviously, sex affects both sides of a relationship, fundamentally it’s your issue. You are the one that needs the support. You need to feel like you can approach sex and not be concerned about the consequences of not getting it up or finishing too fast etc. If certain people knowing about it is going to worsen your performance anxiety, then it’s probably not a great idea.
I’ve had relationships where the communication wasn’t great and I left the relationship feeling more confused about my ED than I needed to be. Ultimately, I just needed the support of my partner and some time/patience. I would have found what you are going through unnecessarily stressful.
I would have been furious if i had even been asked to consider this. Its hard enough to deal with it and share it with your partner and even closest friends let alone your partners parents.
I’ll be frank, it actually made me quite angry as it seems quite insesitive to ask this of you. I think you have to be straight up and tell her how you feel and if shes supportive she will respect your decision.
I would be thinking that if i told my inlaws, are they then talking about it in my absence. How mortifiying and stressfull every meet thereafter would be.
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Bottom line, she has no right. I’m going to give you an analogy and you can take from it what you want.
My late wife was married once before. She was sexually abused as a child, and had revealed that to her previous husband when they were married.
He freaked out and decided to tell his parents. It wasn’t his right to do that. She opened herself up enough and trusted him with that personal part of her life, and he violated that trust because he made it about him, and how her abuse somehow affected him.
You have revealed to your girlfriend a personal piece of information. You have entrusted her with that bit of information. And that is where it should remain…
If you feel the need to, you could ask why she feels the need to share with someone else that personal bit of information about something that only affects you. She may get defensive or she may be perfectly reasonable. I would approach that with caution.
But ultimately, it’s your business, and that you were willing to share that private piece of information with her should make her feel privileged that she would be willing to, and trust her in that way. But that is the extent of it. No more.
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