Finally figured out the problem and am better now

3 months ago I was completely incapable of orgasming or ejaculating. I couldn’t even get an erection. 2 and a half years prior to that I was chronically psychotic and paranoid and had blackouts where I’d wake up in random places (usually out in a field or forest) and be incredibly sick from hypothermia. I had to get away from everything. I had to get away from my roommate and his friends who frequently would threaten to kill or maim me and they constantly sexually harassed me, get away from classmates who spread rumors about me, away from my grandfather’s friend who sexually assaulted me. I just had to get away, and it took everything in my power to not just get up and leave, but I’d just loose it and take off and I’d be terrified and go where there were no people. One day I was found by paramedics, temperature of 93.4°F, vomiting. They were convinced I was on drugs and were shaming me for doing drugs the entire way to the hospital telling me how “stupid and irresponsible” I was and how they could be out saving people who had legitimate reasons to be rescued. At the hospital they did all sorts of drug tests, and they discovered that my pupils were just dilated because I was beyond stressed and in a state of constant alertness. My parents were pretty pissed off at me as well. None of what I told the hospital staff about what I been through made any sense to them and they were still convinced I was on drugs despite the tests all being negative. Eventually they realized I had PTSD and gave me Clonazipam to calm down the extreme anxiety I had. I was also depressed because I felt like I was a bad person and everyone thought I was a drug addict and some type of monster, and I mainly felt like that because that’s how I was being treated. Because I was depressed, they gave me 2 different antidepressants that worked well together. I also moved back in with my parents and finally got away from everyone who constantly hurt me. I was safe. It took a few months for the medications to start working and I finally started to feel better. But a few weeks after starting to feel better, I noticed I could nolonger maintain an erection on my own. I needed visual stimulation. I didn’t really watch porn before, like I sometimes did, but I mainly just looked at nude drawings and art work. As the months went on it became more and more difficult to the point I was unable to ejaculate or orgasm, and then I couldn’t get hard. For 1 and a half years I couldn’t get hard and I bagged doctors to help me and none of them would, nor would they refer me to a urologist until one day I got a kidney stone. It was hell. The surgery was hell. The recovery was the worst and I felt the worst pain in my life when the ureter collapsed resulting in the swelling of the kidney on that side. I’d rather break my ankle a whole bunch of times and have broken my ankle before so I had context for pain. I didn’t think I’d survive. Surly someone in that much pain would be dying. Anyways, I now had a urologist. I told them what I was experiencing. They said they’re fairly certain it’s the one antidepressant I was on since they sometimes had patients taking it for premature ejaculation. I told my psychiatrist what my urologist and they refused to take me off of it and said I needed therapy and to stop watching porn. While waiting to see the urologist again, I went to therapy and they told me lots of men have erectile dysfunction and I just needed to accept it. I saw the urologist again and they sent me straight back to the psychiatrist to get off the med and onto something else. Then I was sent back and forth a bunch of times and the urologist prescribed me cialis which worked. Took a bit to get working and I still couldn’t ejaculate but I could get hard. The first 2 weeks only the base of my penis would get hard and the rest was sort of hard sort of, but then was able to get mostly hard. I was able to finally have an orgasm which I was sort of desperate for because despite not being able to get an erection, I still had a strong desire and urge for sex/mastrubation, yet I could not satisfy that urge and get rid of that itchy pressure feeling in my pelvic floor that I had every single day. After 4 weeks, the cialis stopped working and my erectile dysfunction got worse and worse like before. It was only delaying the inevitable incurable erectile dysfunction. I felt incredibly depressed because of this. I know there’s more to life than sex, or at least that’s what people say (or mainly the female therapists I had (the urologist (who is female) very much disagreed with what they said), but I feel pretty awful having the strong sexual urge and desire with absolutely no way to satisfy it. I had another issue which was I had absolutely zero motivation to do anything and couldn’t do things unless I felt like it. I couldn’t even listen to music if I didn’t feel like it (I loved music and used to listen every day before taking this med). I read that that is a symptom of depression. I also read that an ironic side effect of my med is that it can cause depression (not in everyone, but in some people), and because I felt I didn’t really have any other other option I decided to start tapering myself off the med despite my psychiatrist saying not to stop it. A few days later I had the strongest erection I’d ever had in years since I was a teenager, and I was able to orgasm and it was the best orgasm I ever had, and a few days later I started to feel like doing things again. I got out of bed and not only did I listen to music, I also played and made music. I started eating food and it actually tasted good instead of meh. And now, I’m still on the cialis, and I’m not sure if this is the reason why, but I’m able to orgasm 4-6 times now within 30 mins and that’s daily. I also don’t seem to feel as depressed anymore. The psychiatrist was mad that I didn’t consult him before tapering, but he wasn’t going to have me taper anyways, so I took a leap of faith and just tried it myself. I figured, if they were afraid I was going to end up in the hospital anyways while they did a “monitored” tapper (no one is with you and you’re at home and could end up in the hospital or worse anyways), there wasn’t much difference in risk (if any difference at all) in doing it myself since I’d call him anyways in either scenario. I did listen to the urologist though. They said to get off of it (though they wanted my psychiatrist to do it), and that’s what I did. The first 3 weeks I did have some withdrawal side effects, however it was just nausea and I managed that with lots of cold water and Gravol. Another 3 weeks I feel much much better and I no longer seem to have erectile dysfunction. I feel like the cialis might still be what’s keeping me from being impotent, and the urologist is having me see another urologist who specializes in erectile dysfunction, so that will be continued to be monitored. Only bad news is I currently have multiple kidney stones that started to hurt 2 weeks ago and I’ve been trying to pass them. Passed 1 so far and it’s sharp enough to make scratch marks on metal and plastic, and of course, my ureters and urethra which is just great. Anyways, now that I know it was definitely that med that caused it, and it was given to me to treat PTSD from sexual trauma, I feel like I was being chemically castrated as a reward for being sexually violated, so I’m kind of pissed (no pun intended) at the mental health system in Canada right now (a lot of people are anyways since everyone here knows someone who’s OD’d on purpose (my friend’s other friend was found dead last week, and my other friend’s roommate’s girlfriend was found dead last year, and my mom’s friend’s daughter the year prior). It seems like there’s a funeral every year that someone I know attends for mental health related death. They say “practice mindfulness” and hope that everything gets better, and then give us meds that make things worse. I feel like really, everyone just needs to be heard, validated, accepted, and supported, and for some the meds help, but those first 4 things are the most important. Without them, we’re all on our own, and the meds sometimes work. In my case, being removed from the abusive situation was the first step, and then after 2 and a half years searching for validation and not finding any, I finally had enough and took a chance by stopping a medication (which could very well been the end of me, but what else did I have to loose? No job, no future, no drive to do anything, nothing else working), and it seemed to work. I am still on that other antidepressant but it doesn’t seem to be having much impact on my sexual health, and I also feel happier, and I’ve finally had a few days where I have been productive and some days where I’ve done things that are valuable, and most importantly, my erectile dysfunction is almost completely gone and gets better every day! I feel like myself again! A 3 year nightmare coming to an end. I can finally move forward.

Things I’ve learned from this journey:
Doctors don’t seem to listen to eachother, some people can be really dangerous and you have to avoid them at all costs, and sometimes you have to be a catalyst for action. I also learned to not to completely rely on people for support as that’s either impossible or dangerous. I feel like if you see a way to get better, it is totally worth investigating and trying if there are no other options.

Lastly, thank goodness for kidney stones. I would have never met the urologist who saw the problem and suggested a solution that turned out to work (although I had to go against what my psychiatrist said to get that solution (I feel like doctors aren’t 100% always right (Now that I think about it, what human is error free?))).

I should note, under no circumstances should anyone do what I did stopping a medication without supervision (although they send us home while claiming to supervise us in Canada), and should listen to the doctors keeping us alive (although my grandma died a horrible death due to medical malpractice… but for the most part, they keep us alive). I don’t have the credentials to provide medical advice, so take this all with a grain of salt. I experienced what I experienced and it will not be the same for other people. Overall, I feel a lot better.

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Glad your feeling your on the improve …

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