Is anyone else in the same situation as me?
Psychological ED driven by performance anxiety (?) that only occurs with conventionally attractive girls that mean something to me (have high value to me? trying to impress?). But with girls that are less conventionally attractive, and mean less to me, I have rock hard erections and have great sex multiple times every time we meet.
Is this something to do with pressure to perform? Fear of failure? Putting girls on a pedestal? or something else?
My experience is the exact same and has been for as long as I can remember…And unfortunately I think it’s led me to an unhealthy relationship with sex where I pretty much only pursue girls that I subconsciously think are “low-stakes” enough that my erection will actually work. That’s led to years without a real connection with a girl.
Not much I can offer in terms of solutions as it’s something I’m trying to figure out too… but in an effort to combat this issue, I’ve recently decided to avoid the “low-stakes” girls and strictly pursue a relationship… I’ve recently started seeing someone and the problem has persisted, but I was honest about the issue up front…
Not sure if this will solve it, but I felt like the longer I stick with the “low-stakes” girls approach, the more I’m just kicking the can down the road.
Best of luck man…
You probably have an unhealthy relationship with sex. The need to “impress” the attractive girls is one that I myself have had problems with. Things that worked for me was coming up with “special tricks” I could do to impress the girls in other ways, like with my hands or my mouth. Sex isn’t all about impressing the girl and even if that’s your goal, theres PLENTY of ways to impress them without just using your penis.
This is a topic i relate to.
Summary - my ED is improving as i accept my own flaws. I expressed vulnerability to my GF, she’s responding really positively/supportively (If she hadn’t accepted it, it’s her loss & her issue). My overall life is improving as a result!
Background
I split with my long term GF last year since, among other issues, deep down i was more attracted to other women of a very different physique/nature.
I’d never experienced ED issues until i met my current GF who fits my ideal.
She’s really hot…yet i’m ED-soft more than half the time irrespective of how sexually adventurous we get.
A observed a few important things:
1)Historically, i’ve never 100% loved/accepted myself. As a result I attracted GFs who i felt were flawed in some way (compared to my ideal) and i had great sex. I felt in control. I felt loved.
I.e. my ex was emotionally mature and loved me unconditionally (all the time irrespective of how i felt/behaved). This allowed me to feel in control…and have great sex all the time.
2)my new GF is really into me physically and loves sex and i feel pressure to perform. But i’m not trusting that she loves me unconditionally yet, for who i truly am.
So there’s a PERCEIVED risk that i might lose her if i don’t satisfy her.
3)THINGS ARE IMPROVING and continue to do so. i was completely open with her. I told her I was a bit intimidated by her beauty and that i put myself under immense pressure.
In effect, I showed her my vulnerability and she respects it…and she’s now working with me to bridge the gap…in fun & sexy ways. (Yes, there’s more to satisfying sex than a hard cock. She loves my mouth and hands and gets really satisfied when i explore her - with her consent if i’m unsure).
This all comes back to my point 1.
How do i 100% love myself so i can feel worthy of the best life i desire…well, it starts by accepting my own flaws…and ED is one of many I’m accepting as part of me, right now.
As i accept me with my flaws (the current reality), i’m loving myself more….and guess what, as i love myself more, my GF is loving me more.
The bonus is that as i accept my flaws, i’m noticing them, and then taking action on improving them/ myself.
Taking action looks like what we’ve all done to get here (on Mojo).
Some resources that have really helped me…
https://instagram.com/stefanossifandos?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
https://instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Taking responsibility for my own mental and physical health (as my No.1 priority) is opening up more opportunities in life. It’s not instant but it works.
Good luck men!
I’m gay and I can relate to this completely. I just turned 40, but most of the guys who I hookup with are in their 20’s. I am realistic about the way I look- let’s just say I’m not my type, but lucky me, very hot young guys are always wanting to hook up with me. Great right? Used to be. Turns out I’m much more self conscious about my age than I realized. Now, more often than not I find myself in the unbelievable position of having these hot 20-something’s blowing me and I can’t get it up. But I can meet up with a low-stakes guy, someone who’s a little fat, or has some other characteristic that makes me feel superior, and I can perform with no problem. How’s that for a bitch. I can attract hot willing partners, but I’m too mental to get it up. Interesting fact, when I’m hooking up out of town this problem seems to dissipate— I can seal the deal with the hot ones, probably because there’s less pressure to perform, not like I’m risking losing a regular hook up. It’s nice to see I’m not alone in this rabbit hole I’m in.