I had been watching porn for several years without my wife knowing. It started out just out of curiosity and excitement and developed into a habit. In my view it helped with the desire gap that we had in our relationship. I have a highly sexually active mind and she’s more reactive when it comes to sex. I love our sex relationship, but was curious and wanted to seek out a bit more excitement.
Things were in balance for a while and the topic of porn never really came up. Then I had this fantasy of us watching porn and masturbating together to it. I brought it up to her and she expressed how much she disliked porn and didn’t want it to be a part of our relationship in any way. After that came the guilt and shame for my watching porn behind her back until about a couple months ago when I decided I would tell her. She was very upset and I have felt very bad about this.
She said it felt like she wasn’t enough for me and she didn’t want me to watch porn. She also said she didn’t want me to masturbate without her knowledge. This was very hard for me going from having a porn habit, to no porn or masturbation.
She agreed to let me masturbate in bed sometimes if I was feeling it but she wasn’t, I tried this 2 or 3 times and it was a very awkward experience. I could tell she didn’t enjoy it, probably because she was feeling like she wasn’t enough for me.
But just recently after a discussion, she told me that even though she didn’t like it, she would be ok with me masturbating on my own sometimes if we thought it would help our relationship get back to normal. This has helped, and I’ve done it a couple times, but still feel a bit of guilt about it. I want to be the best husband I can for her.
We both come from a mormon background where porn and masturbation are considered bad. She’s still actively going to church and I stopped going years ago. I’d love to hear if there are others in a similar situation. I’d love to know how you were able to overcome the guilt and work things out with your spouse. Or of anyone can offer me encouragement or advice, that would be great. Thank you.
I think you took the biggest steps you can in this situation which is talking to her about it and wanting to change yourself. The fact that you feel guilt and want to change is huge, pat yourself on the back because many would dismiss it. I am religious but I’m not saying this in a way of “go find god!!”, but maybe you should try going to church with her every once in a while. She probably feels alone in that sense, and I’m sure the porn and masturbation makes her feel even more separated. Meeting some of her needs in that sense might help her open her eyes a little more, and get some perspective on your situation. She sounds fairly understanding but there is a major difference in communicating that you understand vs truly understanding. Acts like going to church with her could help you her and the relationship as a whole. Goodluck !
Thanks for sharing this. I have definitely thought about attending church with the family to provide an emotional loving support even though my beliefs have diverged. I think I’ll seriously consider it even more. The thing that has made this difficult is that I think the church is somewhat the source of my shameful feelings that have led to a lot of feelings of emotional pain and anxiety. I have some fears that attending will be triggering for me. But I will definitely think about this and I think I can do it as long as I’m feeling confident about myself and who I am.
That’s totally understandable don’t worry this probably doesn’t mean much because I know it’s more so in your own head, but just know that there are many people out there who commit terrible things that still go to church. You watching porn etc. is something that 99% of the guys (and probably girls) do in that church as well. Absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, and in some sense the guilt can be a good thing sometimes (in small amounts) as it can be another factor to reduce the issue. As someone who goes to church but also would like to cut down on my porns and such it does give me a little boost sometimes. And again not to sound all religiously and stuff but even if you don’t believe in god, just know that atleast the idea of god forgives everyone and accepts everyone who’s willing to try such as yourself!