Talking to wife about masturbation

Masturbation is a taboo subject in our marriage. We spend a lot of the time together at home and so I very rarely get to have some “me” time. We joke that I should masturbate as its unhealthy for me not to do so. The biggest problem is that since I only get to ejaculate through sex, lets say once a week, it means that everytime I’m sensitive and only last a minute or so. I have big negative feelings around masturbating and tell her I don’t really do it. I don’t want her to feel like I’m fantasizing about other women so I just deny that I do it at all… I want to be more honest with her and start masturbating somewhat regularly, like 2-3 times per week so that I’m less sensitive for our time. How do I approach this subject and where/how do I masturbate lol? I’d feel a bit creepy going for my nightly wank in the toilet while shes watching the TV lol. Any one else with similar situation?

It feels if you can joke about it there is a potential starting point for a discussion there- it’s not totally off limits.

Is there any possibility that in one of your together times you masturbate together instead of or as well as your usual attention to each other? You can look at her whilst you treat yourself which reduces that fantasy of other women feeling. This can break the ice masturbation wise ie you aren’t hiding that you do it and can show her how you treat yourself.

Then sometime you may be able to masturbate when she’s in the room or next to you when you may not otherwise be sexy together. She can join in or not - masturbating or sex.

My partner and I do this in part due to differing sex drives but it does feel honest. It can be nice for her to lie next to me and rest her head on my shoulder whilst I jerk off … no pressure on her. She can but a hand on my chest or belly ( or indeed lower) and it’s just a relaxing time.

I should say the above is not always easy - it can feel pretty odd - but I prefer it to sneaking around in bathrooms where you feel you need to rush and everyone in the house knows what you are up to really!

Just an idea.


you should get a male bate buddy and spend time with him doing guy things and jo together. Its amazing and would give you space to do “maintenance” without feeling like youre a prisoner. I think a female who doesnt make space for this really doesnt understand men. Its your penis, its your right to take care of yourself.


I’m not the OP here but yes, one real benefit I’ve found with this app is the male perspective - I had some past trauma I guess that means I haven’t allowed male friends anywhere near me ( I’m working on that) but I think what you suggest here would be great.

If you hide masturbation from her you will wreck your relationship. Ask me how I know. I think your best bet is to tell her that you want to masturbate to regulate your ability to last in bed with her, but don’t aren’t going to watch porn. When you remove porn from the equation, women instantly feel much more comfortable with it. The insecurity caused by porn does a lot of damage. No matter how attractive she is she can never be 100 different women at once like porn can be, and she knows that. And that’s not even to speak of if the porn stars are more attractive then her. You may find you desire to masturbate less without porn. A lot of people are really overriding their sexual satiety with porn, and they wouldn’t be able to masturbate as frequently as they do if they didn’t use it.

Just because she’s joking about it doesn’t mean she’s comfortable with it. Laughter diffuses tension. That’s why women laugh at stupid jokes that aren’t funny when they’re attracted to you, because they’re trying to diffuse the sexual tension. So she might just feel awkward and insecure about it and want to seem cool about it and break the tension by joking. Masturbation is healthy with a reasonable frequency but porn is not. It retrains your brain for the wrong thing and causes ED if you watch it too much. Also, if you’re masturbating in the bathroom and afraid someone is going to walk in, then you’re going to try to finish as quickly as possible, and that will retrain your brain to finish quicker when you’re having sex with her. If your brain always finishes after a minute masturbating then it will do the same with sex. There are lots of studies you can find about this. You’re also training yourself to associate anxiety and secrecy with sex, which makes you much less confident in the bedroom, and is very unhealthy.

The suggestion to masturbate with her present is a good one if she’s comfortable with it, and allowing her to do the same when you’re not feeling it is good as well. But you don’t want her to feel like she has to do it. Because for some women it could feel like just as much obligation and having sex. Just depends on the woman.

You can masturbate in the shower if you aren’t watching porn. You can also use lidocaine wipes to desensitize yourself before sex.


I believe he was talking about jerking off with other men. I have a feeling most women wouldn’t be comfortable with their husband doing that but hey if she’s ok with it and it works then great.

You should focus on that because if you don’t have strong male friendships and you rely on your wife to be your sole confidant it puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the relationship. Men often do this when they get married, sometimes because they didn’t have close male friendships to begin with, but often because they prioritize their wife over their friendships. Not saying your friendships are more important than your marriage, but they are still very important. That’s why divorced men tend to have a much harder time recovering emotionally from a divorce than women because they don’t have friends to rely on. Meanwhile their wife has kept a close friend circle for the duration of the marriage and has a full blown 12 step support group to fall back on when the marriage falls apart. You just don’t hear about the men suffering from divorce more because they keep quiet about it because they’re ashamed, and of course the women are always made out to be the victims in any divorce regardless of what happened.


In terms of of porn use, I am focusing on this sensate work and mindful masturbation. I think it’s amazing and has shown how disconnected i’ve been whilst watching porn. Slow mindful masturbation is much more enjoyable for me- I’ve not even felt like porn in a while.

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I feel the same way. My wife doesn’t think I should masturbate ever and I end up hiding my habit from her.

Thank you. That sounds like it would work in our relationship. Seems honest and wholesome.

Some great ideas/points here definitely. I’ve always rushed masturbation which has of course also affected my ejaculation time. Taking time with it is something I’m working on and can also explain to her

Hm its not the best idea. Hope we both find the strength soon to sort these issues out :slight_smile: