Heya again wonderful people of Mojo. I long waited for the day to be able to make this post and often times thought the day would never come, but there is indeed hope out there and it is in fact a matter of when not if you will succeed.
A few days ago I made a post about slight success for about a minute or two, but the day after I finally managed to do it completely and then twice more during the holidays too.
I wanted to share with others what I found to be quite helpful, I mentioned a few of these in my last post. I know everyone is different but I hope this helps (apologies for what may be a bible essay haha)
- Use a distraction: Easier said than done but my first success was during a movie, others while X-Mas songs were playing and you can try take the focus off of sex and focus more on other things which ultimately puts you more in the moment and calms you.
-Identify your key problems: For me it was past fear of not being able to stick it in due to a bad experience with a virgin with a really tight hymen, or putting on condoms which were too small and thinking there was something wrong with me. Likewise the fear of lack of experience and being had at sex in general. Knowing about your struggle to get it up is one thing but it’s crucial to know the exact reasons why so you can deal with them better and eliminate as many problems as possible.
-Your Partner: This is a tricky one and Ik it’s hard to believe but it really is true that if your partner doesn’t or can’t support you in this journey you shouldn’t be with them in the first place and they probably aren’t very good people in general, before my current wonderful girlfriend I was with a girl who literally said “If you can’t get hard on your own while doing things to me, I can’t make you”, which is not only an awful thing to hear but also completely untrue. You need to know that it’s a two way street and your partner can do so many things to help (and mine did and worked like to ensure I stay hard right before penetration she’d blow me, put on the condom for me and get on and ride me, sticking it in herself, essentially eliminating all of my fears.) Sex is a two person act (well usually lol), and actually if your partner doesn’t support you with this it’s a good indicator to who they really are, because tbh it’s not that big of a deal at all.
-Communicate: I know it’s cliché but it works, the more you talk to your partner the more relaxed you feel because you also have a clearer picture of your own issues saying them out loud, and hopefully as mentioned before if you have a supportive partner they’ll assure you that there is no rush and they are just happy you are trying and doing all you can to solve it, trust me they’ll appreciate the effort more than you believe.
Other Issues: Whether it’s work, education, family related stress there’s a chance there is something completely random in your brain holding you back. This may be a coincidence but I left my old friend group last year as it became toxic but really missed one friend and never said goodbye so I texted him a long message explaining things, he never responded but it felt like officially closing a chapter of my life and just some random stress or anxiety relief.
Simulate Anxiety: Chances are like me if you have performance anxiety, you have anxiety in general. You can’t always simulate sex anxiety so somethjng that worked was purposefully putting yourself in stressful situations. By putting yourself in other places where you are forced to slow down your nerves and anxiety you can put all your breathing, mediation, etc. into action and use it solve other issues with anxiety and it will be easier to see that in sex too, it also shows you it’s not just sex and there is nothing specifically sexually wrong with you, it’s just anixety jn general. A thing that also worked was masturbating in ice cold showers, as I hate the cold and it seems to stimulate a stressful situation and forces you to stay calm to masturbate in the ice cold conditions.
I really hope at least one of these help the rest of you and you find this information useful, feel free to ask more questions too!
To be honest I’m kind of glad I went through this journey because it was tough but showed my determination and perseverance, as well as remember that this isn’t just solving a sex issue but overall anxiety and stress issue and will help you in so many ways in your life. After the journey I eat better in my diet, exercise more, meditate more and overall just live a better healthier life and not just because of sex at all.
This journey is ultimately a good one and worth it, and I wish all of you success, no surrender, never give up!