Hi Guys, it’s my first day on the app and I’ve been enjoying taking the first steps in the journey.
My ex was physically and psychologically abusive towards me and used to give me such mixed messages, one day I was the greatest lover in the world and the next I was totally useless and couldn’t get her off. She had borderline personality disorder and could only function in extremes. We tried on and off for 5 years to be together but by the end I was a husk and had to leave.
Fast forward two years of single life and I’ve met the one, someone I have fancied for ages and we’ve been in a relationship for three months. We mostly have great sex where she finishes before me but every now and then I hear my ex’s voice and all her criticisms and despite being completely head over heels for my new partner who is incredibly attractive I disappear into my head and lose my hard on.
Has anyone got any experience with previous (untrue) criticism living in their head and ruining subsequent relationships?
I know there’s no silver bullet for this and no quick fix but I am so miserable knowing I cannot show up for my partner in all the ways all the time and I worry that it’s going to affect our relationship going forward.
I’m very anxious but keen to put the work in, it’s great to see everyone helping each other out on this app and I look forward to any advice received.
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Biggest thing is to be honest and open with your new partner. Tell her you have struggles and I’m sure if you have been together awhile she knows about the ex and some of the things she has done to you so it shouldn’t be a surprise to her. Let her know some of your fears. Should hopefully take a load of stress and pressure off of you and she knows that it is not her. Hope this helps out and good luck man!
No pun intended, but we men are too hard on ourselves. If it were your partner who had come from an abusive relationship, you would give her all the space she needs, and be totally understanding of any anxieties. I think your new partner will be sympathetic and understanding.
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I’m relatively new to this as well but with an open mind and putting a side a few alone minutes a day will make a difference. I’ve already had little wins.
Very similar to this. Ex wife always thought she had BPD (definitely ticked the boxes) and was physically and psychologically abuse. Left a husk the same. Was about two years, had a one night thing with someone ok, but then re-met someone who I’d liked since 16 and meant a lot. Issues ever since. The damage done I’m still working through. We will rebuild and get there though. Opening up about issues (I masked/made excuses/took Viagra (until I found I could also out anxiety that too)) but the main thing that helped calm my mind about it all was partner being kind, supportive and understanding, which takes a lot of pressure off. Even without the abuse people hard their own worst critics, but with ex’s like ours, it’s amplified. I’d never have believed that someone telling you you’re shit would actually get engrained in your subconscious and that I’d just be able to discount it - turns out I was wrong on that one! Hang in there.
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