Hey Guys,
I’ve been dealing with ED issues for a couple of years now, and I think it’s more mental than physical. I’d really appreciate any advice or perspective from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
Here’s what’s going on:
My wife and I already have two boys. She really wants to have another baby — she hopes for a little girl — but I feel very conflicted about it. Whenever we have sex, I can’t seem to enjoy it because all I can think about is what would happen if I finish inside her and we conceive. I get stuck in my head about the responsibilities, the financial strain, daycare costs, baby supplies, bills — and I realize I’m not sure if I’m ready, as a man and a husband, to bring another child into our lives right now.
Because of these thoughts, I struggle to stay hard, and even when I do, I can’t finish and eventually go limp. It makes me feel trapped and like I’m failing as a husband because I can’t give my wife what she wants. I also feel like every time we have sex, it’s about making a baby, not about intimacy or pleasure anymore, which adds more pressure and takes the fun and connection out of it for me.
I really don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you handle it? Am I overthinking this or is this something I should talk more openly about with my wife or maybe even a therapist?
Thanks for listening — I’d appreciate any advice, even if it’s just to let me know I’m not alone.
Hey man, I’m sorry to hear you’re carrying this burden inside. I think a lot of men on here may see at least part of your situation in their experiences. Much of my anxiety about “performing” started when my wife and I were trying for our second kid. I felt much of that same pressure you did and really mourned that loss of sex as fun and connection. The funny thing is when I talked to my wife about it she felt some of the same pressure and loss of fun. It was a challenge and that was with me being 100% sure I was ready for another child.
I think you should definitely talk more candidly with your wife about this (perhaps with the help of a marriage counselor if it gets too difficult to navigate alone). You may find that she understands and will be relieved to know that you actually miss that connection and fun. It’s also possible she’ll be really upset and feel blindsided that you’re not sure you’re ready for another child. You may actually find that voicing some of your worries takes their power away and you may be more ready than you think. Or not. Like most difficult issues in relationships, it will probably be a journey as both of you work through this. From the little you wrote here, it sounds like you’re a mature, responsible, and caring husband and father. You can handle anything that comes your way. Good luck, brother!
I forgot to add that I would bet your erection issues are totally mental (again, like most of us on here). You may find that being open about your worries and anxieties will go a long way on your progress to having the sex you want to have.
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Have the transparent chat with her. It will only help you. Your clearly love her and being open will make you feel better.
Try having sex with a condom on and see if that helps you mentally
I would definitely get the baby thing out in the open and get it settled.
That is the only way your brain is going to allow you to have decent sex again.