[Angry post] Why I can't have sex?

Hi there, just had a bad experience and need to share it, need to let it out.
Hope someone might read it.

So, I’m so fucking tired of trying, trying and trying and don’t see any results. Yeah I know I’ve done something wrong here and there, too much porn and too much edging, but why I can’t be like everyone? Why I can’t have sex?

I started gym 6 months ago, subscribe to and folllow mojo (which is great), started psychotherapy, quit smoking, and made so many changes that, I feel proud. I got my 19cm erection back from when I was in my 20’s. Masturbation now it’s awesome and I’m getting right where I need to be sexually I guess.

But when it comes to actual sex, it won’t work. I can’t get it up. Never. Often with my boyfriend, but with other, I don0t know what happens, it’s like I feel completely numb and can’t feel a thing. Sometimes it’s awesome, I feel everything and keep going but lately, it’s all falling down again.

Should I see an andrologist? An urologist? Pelvic floor physiotherapy? What? What’s wrong with me??

Maybe because I play way too much with my cock doing edging? I think too much about sex?

And tonight we had an great, handsome, guy for a threesome and guess what? I didn’t had an erection for the whole 2 hours of sex. I’m trying not to get down, but it’s hard. I just wanna have sex, fuck!

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Can totally relate, man. It feels so unfair and I wonder why I have to do so much to try to just “function” like other guys. It can be so frustrating if we dwell on it, but I guess it’s better to try to appreciate the opportunity to get more in touch with ourselves and really understand our own sexuality.

If you think there’s a physiological cause, you should certainly check with your doctor and such, but I think it’s generally mostly in our heads (psychology).

I’ve been having really beautiful experiences with myself, including amazing edging, which I count as a positive toward just opening myself up sexually (based on my particular circumstances), but partnered sex can still be problematic, sometimes very much so. I’ve been thinking about how I feel in those moments and asking myself if I want sex right then? Am I turned on? Am I relaxed? Am I overthinking it? How’s my relationship with my partner? This is where I’m trying to work the most now after getting a pretty clear understanding of ED and how to deal with it.

In the mean time, even though NO ONE wants to feel like they’re “failing” in a fun situation like your threesome, but maybe consider talking it through with your partners beforehand to diffuse some of that pressure and enjoying giving and receiving pleasure no matter how your cock is showing up.

I know there aren’t easy answers, but I think acknowledging where you are and being at peace with your penis could help you relax and maybe even get it up when you want to. The trickiest fucking thing about this is how we need to get out of the way of our own erection, so setting yourself up to enjoy any outcome may just help you get the outcome you want, as long as you don’t want it too hard lol.

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Thanks man, thank you for your words. Just knowing that I’m not alone somehow alleviates the pain.
I’ll get back to you soon.

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Hello there man,
I took a few days off internet to enjoy the present and not become overwhelmed by the thought of “not getting it up” but yeah, that’s exactly: it feels so unfair to try everything and not having much of success when others function effortlessly.

It’s tricky because I feel like I’m “broken” but at the same time I don’t have any idea how to fix myself, how to function, how to have sex almost. Probably I’m overthinking it, but it got to a vicious cycle were I start to spectating and and overthink everything.

I will go search for an andrologist soon as I can. I still thing it’s all psychological but I feel I still have some issues with pelvic pain.

You touched a good subject, the reason for sex. Sometimes I get confused if I really want to have sex or I’m just bored and understanding better my arousal levels (it’s not an easy thing to learn, at least for me). This is something I can get better: understanding my arousal levels and when I really want to have sex or just play around.

So, next goals:

  • not overthink things too much (in sex our outside sex)
  • be more present
  • understand the arousal levels (and have patience and a lot a foreplay, without the overthinking)

Thanks again man for the reply. I was devastated the other way.

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It sounds like you have done a good regroup/recovery since your first post.

God, I hate the word “broken” for this but that is exactly how I’ve felt too. One thing the edging has done for me is shown me that my penis is definitely not “broken.” It actually makes me realize how strong and functional it is. Of course the psychology with a partner is trickier than masturbating, but it does give me confidence to know that the hardware is in good working order and I just have to learn how to get out of it’s way.

I think we have to drop the feelings of being broken or how unfair it is because they just add weight to the problem. The more of that I can let go of, the lighter I feel.

Solutions can be incredibly simple, even if they aren’t easy. It may not be difficult to intellectually learn how to “fix” this problem, but it’s not easy in practice. Exactly what’s going on varies from man to man, but it seems like generally our minds stifle the regular process of getting or keeping an erection. Whether it’s a discouraging internal voice, thoughts of a previous “failure,” deeply ingrained religious supression/fear/shame, performance or other anxiety, etc. Getting to the place where you can shut that shit down, or get around it, may take a lot of work and self discovery.

Then there’s our motivations for and interest in having sex at any given moment, cultural expectations about that, how a relationship is going (in and out of the bedroom), and how communicative we feel we can be with our partner about all aspects of sex. So many layers. I’ve found myself untangling a bunch of these threads on this journey.

I do believe dealing with this can help us learn a lot about ourselves and our relationship to sex in a way few other men might otherwise, which is a great opportunity, however unwanted the problem itself may be.

Definitely check with an andrologist to make sure there’s nothing else going on.

You’ve got some really thoughtful and productive goals. See where they take you. Keep at it and be patient with yourself.

Always happy to chat.

Oh man, thanks for saying this. This is exactly what I think and do. I edge without orgasm to “test” if the hardware still works, and it works great, but often not when I need to. And yes, those negatives terms and fears are no good. At least I’ve learnt something from last friday experience.

I also feel bad for being negative after a negative experience. I don’t want to feel bad because I know I’m not and I don’t want to be angry at my penis because it’s not really his fault, on the contrary, I want to learn how to get my mind out of the way.

I think also my problem comes from long years without “penetrative” sex and not just the act of penetration itself but the dynamics of sex. I feel confident with myself alone, but with others I have a hard time deciding if I’m allowed to do something and I overthink this too much and in the end I feel numb.

I am grateful for this journey whatsoever because, yes, I’m finally knowing myself more. Of course I wish I didn’t had to but life is life and at least I’m learning how to be healthy (mentally and physically).

And frankly, I’m glad this is happening now that I’m 34. I could still enjoy sex before it’s too late I guess. (another anxiety, but I realized that time flies and life is only one)

Thank you again mate, I wish every man on earth could have this kind of deep conversations with another man. For years I’ve thought that man shouldn’t have any problems for any sex problems and if they had, they need to keep it to theirselves but isolation is worse on every aspect.

Take care!!

Honestly, I think everyone would be better off if conversations like these between men weren’t so rare/elusive. Bringing light to problems that thrive in the dark is really a powerful first step to dealing with them. It starts to remove much of the power they hold over us.

Don’t worry about getting negative. It’s unavoidable. We all do it. I do think opening up communication with partners will help you navigate the logistics and your feelings about sex, though. It could be a really refreshing and freeing conversation to have.

Sex, generally, is a topic most people don’t feel comfortable talking about, so I think many of us have hangups of one kind or another around it. You might enjoy this documentary about sex ed I found recently:

Seriously, reach out anytime @other-purple-opossum

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