Can’t get turned on receiving pleasure

I’ve been in a relationship for over 22 years and monogamous up until the last 2 years because my partner has had some health issues and is not so interested in sex anymore. I’m super attracted to him and when we have had sex everything is fine and I am hard the whole time no issues. Now we have an agreement where I can take up a paid service as a sexual outlet i find it difficult to perform. In my relationship with my partner I am normally the one giving him head and all my attention is on him. He has always been weird about sex and a little vanilla in what he likes but this has always worked because I love to give head. The challenge now is that I find if I’m with a different guy they want to pleasure me and I always get soft when I’m the one in focus. I always feel paranoid I’m not good looking enough or I’m not quite as fit as I used to be so I get stuck in my head and can’t perform. I feel super awkward in the moment as soon as someone goes down on me. People tell me I’m good looking and they like my body and I literally cringe so I know I have self esteem issues but has anyone had this issue and found a way to enjoy being in focus?


Same happens to me

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I think as someone who also loves pleasing their partner, it can be really hard to 1) communicate your needs 2) have someone please you. The first step I would say, is on your own, find out what you like being done to you, or think of things you would like. Next, I would learn to accept that your wanting pleasure is valid. It’s not selfish and it’s not wrong. (Consent is ofc essential in everything)

So here’s what I would do:

I think you being in focus is fine, I just think that it’s not your penis that should be in focus. So, I would find other ways that someone can pleasure you, maybe through kissing, fingering etc.

There’s a lot of psychological foundations with sex for 22 years more or less the same way, and I’d recommend speaking to a sex psychologist or budget version, a trusted friend/Mojo stranger :slight_smile:

You are not alone. When I can’t get hard or ejaculate too quickly, I feel shit and my self esteem issues kick in. I have found that the more my partner and I try to make me erect, the more anxious I get. 22 years, cut yourself some slack!

I hope this helps, I’m still figuring out PE/ED myself, but I’m happy to help! :slight_smile:

Reading it again, I’d try and break down your emotional snd physical responses:

Ie - you feel awkward, why?
Ie- you go soft, does your body tense up?


Thanks so much for the advice. You have raised a some good questions for me which I hadn’t thought of. My first go to was ED medication but that doesn’t work for me because I physically can get hard, but realising that it is psychological for me. I’m going into any action with low expectations of an erection and the main event being the sensations and pleasure of touch and this helps, but I do tense when the focus shifts to me. I try to stay in the moment focussed on the sensations but my inner critic starts saying “it’ll be really obvious if you can’t get hard?” I hadn’t really thought of “my penis being in focus” but you’re absolutely right that’s what I’m doing. It’s normally not happening after this moment because that’s all I’m focussing on.
I’ve not had a partner focus on what brings me pleasure for a really long time and I don’t even know what I like anymore, but maybe I can try to be optimistic about self discovery instead. In terms of why I feel awkward, that might take a bit to unpack. Thnx again.

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