Im 18 years old and I have a been in love with the same girl from 12 to now. We’re just now building a true relationship with each other now but we do try to have sex. I have slept with other women to test this out but for some reason I either can’t get hard for her or I get soft before I can finish. I’ve been trying everything I’ve cut out porn and masturbation for about a month now yet I still can’t get hard for her and it’s messing both of us out. Any advice or suggestions on what I can do to help
Hey there,
I am sorry to hear you’re experiencing this. I had the same issue. The ‘good’ news is that it’s entirely in your head. (‘Good’ because there is a solution and things will get better) the less good news is it may take a little time to overcome. It might not though, next time you could be in the moment and it’s go time and you’re laughing about it in bed.
Having been in your situation the first thing I’d advise is to be kind to yourself. What does that mean? Try not to get angry with yourself or frustrated, it is the opposite of what will help. It actually piles more erection killing pressure on yourself. Try to challenge the self criticism you may be thinking toward yourself.
Part of the ‘problem’ here is that you do like each other mentally; You care about each other. It’s powerful stuff but also counterintuitively places pressure on yourselves . “We both like each other why isn’t it working?”.
Easily the most difficult but most powerful thing you can do: be honest with the girl. The problem is self evident but if you acknowledge it and ask if you can do something different to take the pressure off penetrative sex, it could be a really fun journey of sexual discovery for both of you.
Options could be stroking, mutual masturbation. It makes you both vulnerable but also takes some of the pressure off. It’s terrifying to do but tell her what you’d like and if she can tell you too. She is probably feeling pressure on herself too and would welcome the openness.
Then you can build your way back up if that’s what got want to do but with more connection to each other. Honestly, the other thing could be to go dancing . Get to know each others bodies outside of the bedroom.
I write all of this acknowledging that at 18, the ‘go a bit slower’ route sounds very unappealing but better to try it and see then keep on doing what isn’t currently working.
One day this will all be a long gone memory, you’ll have a great sex life and look back at your 18 year old self and smile.
Good luck amigo.