I’m new to this app and not sure how I feel about it yet. From an early age, I was attracted to men. That being said I have always been attracted to women too.
In the culture I grew up in (and in the late ‘90s-early 00’s) having “same sex attraction” was frowned upon. It was seen as an affliction and something that may or may not pass. Also, it was seen as the more you act on it the more you develop it. The best way to get away from it was to have a heterosexual relationship.
So I did. I have been really happy with it. I do love my spouse and kids. The problem is that in the back of my mind those teenage fantasies live on. I’ve never actually been more physical with a man than a hug but I have fantasized.
The problem is that I’m getting older - in my 40s and these feelings continue on and I find that I have more and more fantasies. I know part of the issue is I need to spice things up at home but there’s a lot to that. Busy house, lots of anxiety around sex, and some firm boundaries set by a loving spouse.
Any others with wisdom to make this work and to feel authentic toward my sexuality?
3 Likes
I’m am 100% heterosexual as far as I know, so I am not sure if my opinion is valid here. That being said I have tons of fantasies that I can’t and probably never will live out, since I have been married for 11 years and intend to be married to that woman for the rest of my life. I highly desire to have sex with other women, but I just have deal with not being able to do so. That’s what monogamy is about. I dont see why being bisexual is any different in that regard. If you love your wife and have regular fulfilling sex with her, you have already won and I would try be content with what you have instead of fearing that you have missed out or something. If you do not have a functioning sex life in your marriage, that’s another story, but I would first try everything to make that happen first before you think about looking outside the relationship.
1 Like
Great thoughts. I appreciate them.
So much of the fantasy is in my head and I just need to stop entertaining them.
As m-a-t alludes, we all have our fantasies and we all have to make our decisions around monogamy and staying faithful.
My wife did stay with her ex recently to spice things up here, and it worked. But I suspect your fantasies run deeper than a bit of spice, perhaps more about self identity.
I have absolutely no ideas I’m afraid, other than suggesting you should consider exploring your thoughts with a good therapist or similar professional.
Good luck my friend
1 Like
Just to add on that. We simply can’t choose what we like and what we don’t like. This is why things like conversion therapy do not work. We can, however, focus on certain things that we do like through continuous reinforcement. This will not get rid of us liking the other stuff, but it will push it into the background, making it manageable. It has worked for me to some extent.
1 Like
I believe in and am committed to monogamy. However, just as an observation, I think it’s possible you got on a specific train before you really knew where you wanted to go. Lots of men are bi. I also have tons of gay friends who went through what they call the bi phase. We are older, but back in the day it was a ton easier for some guys to say they were bi–from an acceptability standpoint. Not saying that was you - but it happens. If you haven’t been with a man, though, you will never truly know. You owe it to yourself and the woman you love to figure that out. Life really is short, so if being with a man really is your thing, you absolutely can’t waste any more time. Plus, she needs to know, too, so that she can let you go and find her groove.
Have you chosen your avatar in this app? I’m curious - is it female, or male? If you went female I would suggest you change it and explore that other side of yourself. I’ve only been on this app a couple days, and I can only say the “self-discovery” thus far has been wild. And I am and always have been gay. Let loose and go for a wild ride!
1 Like
I appreciate the feedback. I think there is some truth to being on the train before I knew where I wanted to go.
The hard part is, I like the train I’m on and I’m not sure I’m ready to get off of it. I feel committed to it and my marriage.
As for my avatar - I went with a man.
So far the app has been good and I’ve learned some great things. I’ve been reading a book called tell me what you want by Justin lehmiller and it’s been really interesting to go through at the same time.
I’m feeling more grounded and feeling a lot more acceptance of me for me.
1 Like
Had a bit of a breakthrough today for myself about self-acceptance. I was floored to realize that, as an older gay man living with my husband “out and proud,” my sexual issues all stem from my younger, very closeted years. As far as the act of sex goes, I am far from being out and proud. I say this because I didn’t want it to sound as simplistic as my train example!! Who’s to say that you just haven’t found the bar car on your current train?!! I know (probably too many) couples in open relationships, and I know it spans across all sexualities. Maybe you and your wife can get there, too. An open relationship doesn’t work for my husband, and I don’t disagree. I just feel like I missed out in my 30’s and 40’s after coming out, and it sucks. It is physically painful. Not because I am unhappy in life otherwise, or want to leave him. It is pain from wondering what life would have been like if I had faced my fears (and grown) when I was a young man. Anyway–going on about me too much! Sounds like you have a great life, and now it’s about embracing another side of yourself. The people who love you now will love you still and want you to be happy. Embrace it, it’s definitely worth it!! Thanks for sharing what you are going through.
1 Like
Thank you for sharing what you’ve shared too. I think a lot of my issues stem from those teen years too. In some ways, I really should have fooled around with more girls and guys at a young age. But I didn’t because I wanted to be a “good boy.”
I think I’ve come a long way with my sexuality. I was in denial for a long time. Who knows exactly what label applies to me. What I do know is that I am me and that’s ok. I just want to love my wife the best I can and be her partner. If we can’t get through this - I’ll have to find another partner. But, until then I want to do all I can to stimulate and connect this relationship.