Hey lads. I’m very new to Mojo and desperately searching for hope. Sorry in advance for the long post but I feel very alone right now.
I’m 33, very fit, have a very physical job, I rarely drink, don’t smoke or do any sort of drugs.
I got married at 21 (very religious) no sex before marriage, and I’d say 6 of the 10 year relationship were really good. I never once had a single issue in the bedroom. I could always get it up on queue for her and for me when I was solo.
Then she suddenly left me (very unexpected). Currently going through the divorce and splitting assets.
About 2 months after my ex left me I was in a new relationship, However, literally the first time we went to have sex, I couldn’t get it up. She was absolutely devastated and thought I didn’t find her attractive which is not the case. I think she’s gorgeous and I can’t keep my hands off her.
I managed (just) to do the deed the next time but I knew something was wrong. We tried a few times after that and I couldn’t get hard again. (I made excuses like I wasn’t feeling well etc)
I then went to the dr who assures me all my tests were normal and it’s all in my head. He gave me the little blue pill which works sometimes and not others.
My girlfriend gets incredibly offended and upset when it happens and will often stop sex instantly if I’m not hard. I’m so terrified of upsetting her. I absolutely love sex and want it all the time but this has made me afraid of it.
I can’t stress enough that my ED literally happened overnight. I am absolutely devastated and my mental health is at rock bottom. It’s all consuming. Can anyone relate at all?
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I wish i could give you the advice you need, but if i had the answer, i wouldn’t be here… the only thing i can tell you is you are not alone, which for me was at least somewhat comforting because at 36, i felt like a failure. I’ve been dealing with the same issues for the past 8 or so years, and my wife is at the point now where i think she will leave if i dont figure it out soon. I have found some relief just being on here and talking to other poeple about it because i know for me i felt very alone in it all, like i was the only person younger that 60 to be having this issue. I sincerely wish you the best, and hopefully, this app/forum helps.
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Thanks for your reply man. Definitely the feeling of being alone is an awful one and it’s good to know it’s not just me.
This is not something I had ever even had to think about and it’s totally taken me by surprise.
I truly feel for you with the situation with your wife and somewhat know the feeling of worrying your partner will leave if you can’t “sort yourself out”. My girlfriend loves me, I know that…but every time I can’t get hard she is totally devastated and can’t even talk about it.
It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever had to go through and it’s destroying my mental health.
I wish you the best too brother. Here’s to us both getting out of our negative headspace’s.
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Hey bro please dont feel alone. Your story is very common and similar to mine in some ways.
I had a wife for many years and was fine with her but had errection difficulties with my new girfriend at first. Then we broke up as well and the same thing happened again a different girfriend after that.
My body takes some time to be used to and relaxed with another person. I have not had many sexual partners in my life and when i am with someone new for the first time it can be an anxious experience. Then if i had difficulty the first time i get even more stressed the 2nd time.
Take your time with the mojo course and give yourself space and time to feel comfortable with a new body. Some exercises that helped me was exploring my body in the shower (learning other parts of my body i liked touched aside from my penis). Cuddling with my girfriend taking foreplay slow and focusing on touch (foreplay blindfolded once was fun). Also cutting out porn was a big help for me.
Good luck and embrace the process. It takes time so be kind to yourself.
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I also came from a strict religious background that doesn’t allow for pre-marital sex (or even masturbation). I think that kind of history can have quite an impact on how our bodies react to sex in general, especially with people other than a spouse. I left the religion years ago, but while I’m intellectually separated from those ideas, I believe my body carries the memory and habits that were trained into it for so many years. I think getting your girlfriend confident in the fact that your erection difficulties aren’t centered around her is essential to making this work. Your fear of disappointing her feels like it will make your relaxation nearly impossible. Being able to talk openly about all of this with her and her understanding/trusting/supporting you may help you more than you can imagine. I’ve found open conversations with a partner—especially conversations you never imagined you could have—incredibly liberating.
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Hey man, respect for raising it (no pun intended).
It sounds like this is partly a problem for you and partly a problem for your partner.
I can understand why partners get upset if they take it personally, but I think in cases like these the best thing to do is to communicate and try find solutions together.
It sounds like your partner may have some body image or self-worth issues that are getting triggered and need addressing. I would suggest that you try your best not to take on her anxiety too. As hard as it is (again, no pun intended lol), her disappointment is not all your problem. Partners can be supportive or sympathetic, or can learn to be if they want to.
I actually think couples therapy with a therapist who has a background in sex therapy would be a really good investment, but if that’s too much money or too big a step I would recommend you (and your partner if you can persuade her) to read Sexual Awareness by Barry and Emily McCarthy, link below. It’s basically a book about how to take the anxiety out of sex.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sexual-Awareness-Healthy-Couple-Sexuality/dp/0415896436
Good luck man
I hope things have got better
Same story here. Long term relationship, no ED. Breakup, then epic new girlfriend, but first time full blown ED, nothing at all.
Thankfully I was very kind to myself and said “this must be normal, I’ve been having sex with the same person for over a decade, of course I’ll have nerves with someone new”. I was also lucky that they were understanding. But I wasn’t kind to myself but preserving, I should have got the memo and been brave enough to just say i wasn’t ready.
Instead i repeatedly tried and failed and it just killed my confidence and libido, big mistake. I should have taken more time to build myself back up rather than rush in and cause more damage.
You also have the problem of a partner with self esteem issues by the sound of things, thinking the issue is her, when you need someone strong enough to see it isn’t them and able to help you.
Perhaps it’s best to take a break?
I’ve taken 9 months for myself so far and after a few months being single it started to feel great, and now I’m happier than ever. And with not therapy I think I’ll be better than ever, with a strong foundation to date again, and if not, then just being my best single self.
You’re not alone and i recommend taking time for yourself, I wish I had listened to everyone that warned me not to rush back into something.