A Vicious cycle and no end in sight

🌋 Early climax
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Hey all.

It feels good to be sharing this, but also, I can hear my inner critic piping up even as I type. Here goes anyway…

So, I’ve suffered with PE on and off my entire life. I experienced some sexual trauma as a child, was circumstized aged 12, and woke up during the operation, and also had some unconventional sexual experiences as a teen. For years, I managed my issue with alcohol and viagra - although my problem was always PE as opposed to any difficulty getting or maintaining an errection. In fact I always used to get very hard very easily. Once I was in a stable relationship and having regular sex the PE issue tended to clear up.

As I say, getting hard has never been an issue for me, just the PE. Until now…

My wife and I have been together for 12 years and always used to enjoy a great sex life. Sex was regular and satisfying for both of us, and over time, the PE almost totally went away.

We had a baby 5 years ago, after which - as is fairly typical - my wife’s libido dropped off a fair amount. Then, almost 3 years ago, my wife’s mother died unexpectedly, at which point things really started to spiral, and our relationship became seriously fractured.

With a lot of work, we’ve put the non-sexual side of things back together pretty well. But unfortunately, the intimacy is still a massive issue. It’s got to the point when I cum even prior to penetration, yet if I attempt to mastubate alone I can’t even get a half decent errection.

Honestly, it is getting me down so badly it’s pretty much all I can think about. I feel like it’s killing my marriage but also destroying my soul and crushing my sprit.

I’ve spoken to my wife, who says she wants to help, but nothing actually comes of it. She basically wants penetration and not a lot else, and me knowing that only serves to compound matters.

Feeling pretty desperate right now and seriously entertaining the idea of celibacy as a way forward…

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Hi there! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you’re feeling anxious about all of this, and I’m sorry it has such a big impact on your life.

If your wife and yourself still have some intimacy, but you can’t focus on penetration for now, have you thought of introducing some « alternative » way of pleasuring her? Maybe with some toys? This way you could focus on her pleasure until she is about to orgasm, and then you can join her in that when you’re ready too. This way you could keep on redeveloping your connection with her, focus on pleasure rather than letting your inner critic take over, and after a while doing this, you mind have some peace of mind which could allow you to go back to a more « normal » approach.

I’m saying this because my partner and I have had amazing sex for seven years, but from time to time, I can’t rely on penetration because I’m suddenly going soft… at first I was really anxious and nervous and I couldn’t think of anything else, but then I started thinking « what if I take this time to give different type of pleasure to my partner »? And it worked. I refocused my attention differently, and by doing this at the right time, my erection goes back up and I can reconsider penetration (not that we have too, my partner loves all the creativity I brought to the bedroom!).

Good luck with all of this, and keep sharing your stories, because you’re not alone, and there is other path than celibacy!

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Thanks for your advice. What you say makes total sense. We do have a bunch of toys, and my wife used to love them. But she really really doesn’t seem interested anymore. I came see how this would help me and take the pressure off, but if my wife isn’t up for it, there’s not much I can do.

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Try congnitive therapy vids on YouTube, they have some the trick for me, basically just different sounds and you channel your focus on each sound (with a guide) love and guidance <3

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Appreciate that. Happy to give anything a go. Just search cognitive therapy on YouTube? Simple as that?

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You say she used to
Like toys…

Maybe buy a new one. A new style or something different from what you have…??
There’s all kinds of new stuff out there.
Start with a massage or just rubbing her feet… make it all about her. Your pants aren’t even coming off….
Does she let you go down on her? Does she enjoy it??
My ex wife wouldn’t/ didn’t like it. My new gf was stand off ish - she never had someone who knows what he’s doing…
My gf absolutely loves it now! I suggest finding the site ‘OMG YES!’ It’s a site that’s dedicated too women describing their pleasure. There’s interviews, some women interviewed even show their masterbation styles on camera. Lots of explainination. I actually learned several things.
I think it was $75 for permanent access. (1 time fee- permanent access!)
Good luck man!!:four_leaf_clover:

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To add onto one of the comments on here - there are so many things you can do to pleasure your partner without penetration. This will take pressure off of you.
Another suggestion - Together with your wife, read a book read a book by Emily Nagoski - “Come as you’re”
And my last advice - listen watch a podcast on YT from Doctor Mike with Dr Rena Malik - she mentioned that doing 7 mins of HIIT ( high intensity interval training for two weeks helps with PE.

https://youtube.com/shorts/LBtJKxpiTnc?si=I9zdQrDLx_NeXFX7

Good luck and great job on trying to improve yourself and your marriage.

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She used to love all that stuff. But not amy more. I feel like I’m nagging her into it quite honestly whenever I suggest anything else.

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Think I’m hearing that your telling yourself the story that your wife isn’t entirely with you on this. Not wanting to experiment with toys etc. wondering what her part is in your experience and if she’d be up for couples counselling work - perhaps even psychosexual counselling work (or whatever the name for it might be)?
And … really feel for you and what I hear is at least a sense of desperation. Hoping you find some solutions through these
Comments. Also hope you don’t feel alone. You’re not. Def there are aspects of what you’ve shared that I resonate with from past relationships.

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