Only way girlfriend can experience intimacy is with PIV penetration


I’m at my wits end. I like many others suffer from performance anxiety. I’m going through the Mojo program, as well as having bought a self help book, and am approaching my issue at the medical route as well. Nothing seems consistent and I am having a really hard time (no pun intended) getting through this. Anytime I think of us having sex soon my chest just caves in.

I’ve seen many of the articles talking about intimacy without PIV penetration, and a half a dozen ways we can “have a good time” in bed. My GF has had some pretty major past trauma. Part of that is that the only way she feels any intimacy, is with PIV penetration. She is also super self conscious about her body, and is very uncomfortable receiving and performing other types of pleasure. She will push me away if I start to go down on her, which is something I really enjoy.

Also, when I can’t get it up, that just adds on to her being self conscious, and she thinks I’m lying when I say that I am very attracted to her.

I simply can’t give her the intimacy she needs, at least at a consistent rate. About 85% of the time I fail at that. It is starting to affect our relationship drastically. She has been very patent and understanding of the situation, but it is on the verge of losing this connection with me, and is saying she doesn’t know how much longer she can deal with this. As if I wasn’t under enough pressure this certainly doesn’t help. She also knows this and is why sometimes she doesn’t tell me her complete feelings, and in turn she thinks of herself as a horrible person.

I’m not really sure where to go from here. I’m doing everything I can, but it’s like it’s never enough. I’ve done the meditations, the courses, the doctor visits, communicating to her what’s going on…and nothing seems to be working. I’m not really certain what I can try next short of trying to get actual help and go through couples counseling. I get it through work but there is a huge waitlist to where it’s months before I can see someone.

Any advice out there I welcome it. We both love each other very much and want this to turn into a permanent thing and have even talked about marriage, but my issues is getting in the way of that, and I’m fearing the worst.

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I can certainly relate to your problem. Almost completely, in fact.

My GF is different in that she really enjoys giving/receiving different types of sexual pleasure other than PIV. But very much like you describe, she is self-conscious and feels as though my challenges in getting hard are a reflection of her attractiveness and sexual skills. She has been understanding to a degree, but I feel her patience eroding by the day.

It’s become more frustrating recently, as I find myself in my head and having anxiety about most forms of intimacy. The moment I lose hardness, it’s like it becomes a game of 20 questions. “What am I doing wrong baby, what can I do differently, etc.”

On one hand, I get it. An erection is the universal symbol of sexual attraction. When I’m not hard in intimate moments, I can understand her feeling bad and like I’m not attracted to her. I am, very much so, but you can only explain away so many times.

“I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with this.” Man, I can relate. I’ve heard that from my GF before. And it adds so much pressure to an already difficult situation. I keep my chin up and tell myself that eventually it will fix itself, but I’m beginning to lose hope.

“I’m doing everything I can.” I hear ya. Me too. I believe my problems started with something of an organic cause; I was on Escitalopram for 3+ years, and weaned off for this exact reason (sexual side effects, very common side effect of this SSRI). But it’s been nearly 3 months since my last dose, and the problems are still persisting. At this point, I’m resigned to the idea that this is in my head and there’s no longer any physical cause. I had blood work done, everything (T levels, etc.) were normal.

I’ve tried the exercises, both physical and mental. They’ve helped to a small extent, but I still feel like I’m trying to light a fire with a bundle of wet firewood. That’s the best analogy I can come up with.

What is hurting the most is that I’m now associating this relationship with all of the sexual shortcomings, and beginning to lose sight of all the good things that make me love her in the first place.

I wish I had better (or any!) advice for you, but I think just reading that someone is having the same problem is reassuring and makes me feel a bit better about it all :slight_smile:

There must be someone here who has been in this situation and seen at least modest improvements. I’m hoping they show up and tell us what helped…


I agree - just knowing others are dealing w this can help me feel like less of an odd ball.

I too just recently went of lexapro. I was hoping i would see a boost. Its been 6 wks but not yet. Truthfully tho my ED has been a long running thing and predates lex so that mightve been wishful thinking. Makes me wonder if my underlying anxiety and obsessive mind is just prone to psychological ED. Viagra works so i am not 100% stuck, just far from being natural. God forbid, my wife initiates i have to scamper off and quickly take a pill.

What ive seen work in the past tho not recently is

  • ween down the vgra - kinda trick your mind and get to a psuedo placebo

  • try not to think abt it - for me all the obsessing backfires

  • talk it out w your partner

  • distract your mind -for me thinking abt fantasy redirects my brain in real time. Whenever i am spectatoring myself thsts when im fucked. I have to step outside that brain rut and not observe myself trying to get hard.

Thx to everyone here for sharing their stories- it really helps to not feel alone

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Thank you so much for sharing your story. It does help a little to see other people are going to the same thing, but I hope someone can offer some good advice for us.

Thanks for your sharing. Really appreciated. I’ve been going through this for years as well. Very similar circumstances. . I’ve come to the point where I’ve just kind of let go, Let go and let God sort of thing, so I can start to at least have some peace back in my life. I became exhausted with the fear and the worrying. I’ve been married and having this challenge for years. I couldn’t take the worrying about this or what my partner may or may not do anymore. Now I meditate a lot. I’ve even been Going out and practicing some Buddhism and yoga. Doing things for myself. Trying to find ways to simply bring some peace and happiness into my own life first. Even some therapy. If this taught me anything it’s that I’m not in control of everything that can happen in life but at least I can try and control what I can control. At least I can try an have some peace while life is doing whatever it’s doing. So if things or people need do something I may not agree with, I still have some things I can do for myself to treat myself well. F’ that. I, We deserve a good life even if life crap happens sometimes.