10+ years of performance anxiety induced ED

Posting on here as feeling very very down and attending the group sessions and reading other peoples posts on here only makes me feel worse, as no one seems to have been struggling with this for as long as i have and from such a young age.

I’m 31 now and ever since the very first time trying to have sex at the age of 18, 99% of the times tried I haven’t been able to get it up as felt too nervous. When younger, I used to tell myself I just needed to find someone special who I felt really comfortable with but 8 years ago I met my fiance who I love to this day and everything else is really great BUT almost every single time we try to have sex I’m unable to get it up at all. She’s obviously been very patient and understanding as she’s still here after 8 years of this but now we’d really want to take the next step and get married and have kids but both agree this needs to change. At this point, she’s not as understanding anymore as has become increasingly frustrated over the years and so has I. To the point where we now actively avoid trying to have sex until we feel like so much time has passed that we have to and then we do and obviously it doesn’t work and usually ends in tears at how frustrating our situation is.

Over the years we’ve tried everything there is to try in terms of non-penetrative stuff including sensate and pretty much all the other physical and mental techniques mentioned in Mojo. I’ve also started TRT 2 years ago as my testosterone was a bit low and now have good levels but still get way too nervous as soon as it looks like we’re about to have sex. Physically and on my own, there’s no issues anymore after this but to try and make that as easy as possible I’m also taking 2.5g of Tadalafil a day but to no avail for my performance anxiety. After doing this, I’m sometimes able to perform if I’ve been drinking but that’s not really good enough as don’t drink very often.

I’m healthy otherwise and quite active, exercise 4 times a week and in good shape and happy with my job and everything else in life so no other stress factors. Please help as after 8 years it feels like my fiance and I have both had enough… but we love each other very much.


I’m sorry to hear that, but the big positive is that this seems to be purely psychological. If so, it’s something you can fix but will require a big mentality shift.

I have spent 12 miserable years that I’m hoping to see the end of. Like you, I have suffered from physical issues that impacted my erection, as well as just plain bad luck. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that this was the cause of my mental issues, since they were experienced together for so long.

It sounds like each time you have sex feels like a test. Not a moment you desire. It sounds like when you relax when drinking a bit, you do better. See a doctor/therapist in person to help you relax without alcohol.

I also personally find working on building desire over the days before sex can help overcome nerves, as you’ll be more focused on those feelings.

Finally, remember to judge yourself against your last performances, not against your ideal performance. Incremental gains over many months will get you there.

Good luck!


Thanks for that, appreciate your reply! Will definitely keep these things in mind but as for the doctor/therapist I forgot to mention in the post that I have had 4 different therapists (3-6 month weekly sessions each) over the last 8 years and me and my fiance have also tried couples therapy together but still no help…

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We’re often at different stages in life and relationships… but often similar.

I use a bit of Tadalafil, and also find alcohol helps… and in my heart I think the Tadalafil helps with confidence and alcohol… the same… all about confidence which is in some way… becomes relaxation and self belief…

It’s crazy… and annoying… and I’m in the middle of all this turmoil and confusion.

To the point I’m not instigating sex … because I’m scared of failure…

Which is madness… I’m trying the approach that… even “imperfect “ sex… whatever that is… is better than now’t… and on the way to better sex… which is on the way to half decent sex, which is on the way to …etc etc…”
… yep I’m on a journey… and I’m still at the, sometimes painful first few steps…. But I predict improvement… and … hell … why not…. Happiness…

There is NO reason not to….