The last seven years, I’ve become frustrated with complete inability to achieve a full erection during the daytime/evening. I thought it was impossible, but embarrassingly my libido has been much lower. Prior to this, it had been a non-issue. In fact, I was so horny and my wife and I would have sex several times a day. Now, I only obtain a full erection in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning if I am asleep and my wife wakes me. I realize, coincidence or not, this started at a time when work was extremely stressful, my father passed away, and the family drama was extreme (my siblings and their spouses. Thankfully, my wife, kids and I are in a wonderful place in our little family). The family drama will be a forever thing. I can’t get it out of my head how at that time 7 years ago, my wife and I took a weekend getaway and I was unable to perform for the first time. In addition to the the stress I was in then, I was worried because one of our children was sick and we left him and the others with a babysitter. I hope this doesn’t sound bad, but I’m realizing how much of an impact this failure had on me because I strive to succeed in everything, and won’t accept failure. Fast forward to the last six months where I, a stubborn man, finally decided to ask for help and discuss this with my wife. I realized it’s making me ornery and having a negative impact in every aspect of my life. I’ve tried supplements without success. I had bloodwork done (had to find a PCP, hadn’t been to one for a decade) and my testosterone levels are normal. It was difficult to let my doctor know of my concern. My doctor prescribed Viagra. I tried it one evening and it worked great, but I don’t want to rely on it so I haven’t used it since. Maybe I just need to use it and not worry?
I’ve been trying Mojo for 2 weeks with great dedication. I love the podcasts, meditation and mindfulness. It has made me realize some possible contributing factors from my past, as well as woken me up to the fact I have a horrible self image. I don’t masturbate, but I tried last night and felt so guilty. It resulted in a mild erection and fantastic ejaculation before I could go hard. So far, I see the benefit of being calmer, having better focus throughout the day, being less ornery. I can better identify my body parts when meditating. Kegel exercises seem to be improving where I can identify my muscles better and hold longer. I have more frequent and harder morning wood. My sex drive has increased some. I am praying it will eventually allow spontaneity in the bedroom, which I know my wife likes more than morning sex, and I used to really enjoy it, too.
Does anyone else relate to inability to get it up as I’ve described? Have you found successful solutions?
While my issues haven’t persisted as long, my experience has mirrored yours. For a decade with my wife, my libido was high and the sex was easy. But, over the past few years, I’ll get into a rut and, for months, I’ll find myself fighting with my body. That makes the problem worse not better and, when it’s bad, nothing, not even drugs, solve the problem.
I’ve been on Mojo twice now. The thing that’s helped me the most is creating an inner voice to remind me “this is supposed to be fun”. It’s somewhat ridiculous but it does get me out of my head.
I also talk to my wife about it and told her sex is going to take more warming up and it won’t be like a decade ago when I was immediately ready.
I’m not sure I’ll ever have this permanently fixed but I’m fairly confident the time I’m in the valley of despair will shorten.
Yes, sex was so easy before, automatic and exciting. If only. Training the inner coach is something I’ll try, thanks for saying something. I’m not good at having fun, and I definitely have a strong inner critic. So you find taking time to warm up to it does work sometimes?
It does help.
Before hand, I’ll manage my wife’s expectation that this might not be automatic and she’s going to need to not rush it. Then I have an embarrassing loop in my head saying “this is fun”. It’s stupid but it distracts me from thinking about anything else. When I do that, it lets the body just react and, to be honest, it has resulted in things not taking any time to get started.
The final thing that’s helped is mixing things up. We have a routine where we have sex every Friday at 3. While my friends think that’s awesome, it came across as something (in my head) I viewed as a chore she just wanted to do. So, we’re changing days and times.
I need to work on the inner coach. I like the idea of telling myself that this is a fun thing to do.
I overthink everything so can totally relate to this posting. Stress is such a mood killer and yet sex or masturbation is supposed to help relieve stress. Glad this is working for you and getting morning wood. I don’t ever wake up with wood. Also can’t seem to get my wife interested in initiating first thing in the morning too. It’s always on me. I’ve been fantasizing about being wakened up with oral sex but has never happened (and I have suggested how hot an exciting it would be).
Yes, I’m hoping the techniques for performance anxiety help me return to enjoying rock hard erections not just in the middle of the night, and being present / in the moment again. You have a couple of interesting comments. I’ve come across fantasizing as a thing promoted in therapy sessions on Mojo. I definitely fantasize during sex, but might consider it all on its own as therapeutic. What is your wife’s response when you share this fantasy? Have you mentioned to her you are always the one initiating? I don’t know why, but early on in our marriage we both initiated, and as time progressed I haven’t initiated much (I didn’t notice until my wife brought it up a year or so ago). Likely it’s because I am stressed about not getting it up in the moment. Maybe I need to just try more often; my wife doesn’t put any pressure on me and is understanding if I don’t have an erection, so why don’t I have fun trying? I’m hard on myself, I guess. Also, I hope you do experience being woken up with oral sex because it is one of my favorite things, extremely hot.
My wife will initiate sex at night on the weekends if I don’t. But I am really want to be woken up with a blowjob either morning or even in middle of night. Never happened even when I was dating (with any woman). She is afraid I won’t rise to the occasion and since I take too long doesn’t want to try. We’ve been together for 16 years. I admit when I see or hear what other guys enjoy with their wives it makes me jealous and maybe that is in my head and part of my problem. Can anyone relate to that too? I’m also trying to deal with a therapist too.