Men, I am here to share my story. Both the failures and the successes. Currently 24, been dealing with psychological ED since first year of college at 18 years old. I didn’t understand when it happened the first time, but I wasn’t one for seeking out sexual experiences much (nervous virgin) so it wasn’t on my mind.
Then came sophomore year (19). Two instances where I couldn’t get it up. First time, didn’t mind it much. But then came to me getting a relationship, where for a full 8 months, I could not get it up to have penetrative sex but oral was fine. The lack of sex & my embarrassment led to me avoiding alone time with my gf and developing a lot of stress and resentment I dealt with internally. This situation felt like it controlled me. This was the first time I downloaded Mojo but didn’t stick to it.
Fast forward to junior year (20). We broke up, and I went on a hyper-sexual crusade trying to hook up with anybody I could to compensate and make up for my struggles, as long as I had viagra or something in me. I would put all types of shit in my body to try and succeed in bed, not realizing how much this stuff controlled me. Some successes, some failures. I never really had true confidence. There was a girl I was extremely interested in and somehow got her. We had great drunk sex, but when I realized that I had only done that drunk without inhibiting thoughts, the idea of having to perform sober took me away from enjoying me time with her. Didn’t work out.
Senior year (21). Some successes, some failures. Picked up marijuana which helped ease some anxiety and developed a dependency on it that I’m fighting off to this day. Was able to have some decent sex and got another girlfriend after graduation which lasted for a year. Failure wasn’t on my mind because I was able to get comfy with her, but this was after 6 months of even stalling sexual touch and a relationship with her. I fully took advantage of the fact that she was a virgin and wanted me more than I wanted her, so we would make out and if I felt that I wasn’t getting hard or too nervous, I didn’t let it progress further. All this without her knowing why.
I’m 24 now and in a new relationship, dealing with the same issues. But since coming back to this app, I decided to really dedicate myself to the process. Since my relationship sophomore year, ED has been my biggest insecurity and the fear has robbed me of so many experiences. I learned that when I did have sex, it was because I didn’t care for the woman and had no emotional attachment (like a hookup), so I was just letting shit happen. The more invested I was, the more she knew people I knew, the more she liked me, etc etc, the nervous I got and I would sabotage myself before we even got to touching each other.
With my girlfriend now, I failed the first time. Got us a hotel and everything only to end up making out. She was supportive then, but I didn’t bring it up. Decided I wanted to silently overcome it and break out one day with some great sex. More opportunities came and I would continue to avoid it and fail as I would murder my erection away as things intensified.
Eventually, I spoke up. I shared my anxieties with her, my history with it, and reassured her that it wasn’t her and it wasn’t a physical thing since I get hard pretty easily with her. Immediately so much tension and pressure went away with her support and care. Since then, we’ve attempted a few times. As of me typing this, her and I were able to have sex two attempts in a row, separate days.
Here’s why I typed all this, really. I would try to have sex with her and fail. Immediately, I end up apologizing, but then we would talk about it. When I got nervous, how it makes me feel, etc. During those conversations, I could literally feel myself getting hard again. We’d make out naked with no intentions and somehow I’d end up slipping inside of her because I was relaxed and not hyperfocusing on my performance.
But the biggest difference maker has been this: quitting porn, directing my sexual energy to my girlfriend. Up until now, I would cope with porn. I started watching as I went into 7th grade and was a chronic masturbator during middle, HS, and college. I would allow my perception of women online to skew those who I was with and compare my gfs to who I was watching. I felt way more pleasure in my own touch than with sex. Only recently have I worked to truly rewire this. My gf now is my Lock Screen, if I get horny I look for a picture of her in my phone (even non-sexual), and if I get the urge to masturbate (which I try to minimize now to save my energy for actual sex), I will do it to the thought of sex with her. This has made so much gains for my libido and my desire for her.
It really goes to show you how much of this is in your head. Doing the meditations to really be in the moment, kegels, and practicing being in the moment during my day to day has been super beneficial. I’m not perfect, my confidence still isn’t sky high, and there are times where I might soften as I try to enter her. But I can fully recognize and accept when it happens, and continue doing the mindfulness work to relax myself. We got this friends.
