Stuck in my own head

I have just recently started seeing a girl after being single for a while and things are going great, that is up until the time comes to have penetrative sex! During foreplay everything is absolutely fine but it’s almost like the moment it comes to the main event, my mind takes over and I just lose my erection completely. The girl in question is so understanding and constantly tells me it’s ok and not a big deal but I just can’t help feel embarrassed and like I’m letting her down.

I really like her and feel like the more this happens she is eventually going to get fed up, which I know is a vicious cycle as it just creates even more performance anxiety.

Iv been using this app for about a week now and I’m trying so hard to be able to relax and enjoy the moment so my ‘inner critic’ doesn’t win, but it just seems to be a one sided fight at the moment and it’s absolutely breaking me having to tell ‘it’s not going to work tonight’. Would love any tips or words of advice on how to help with this as it just feels like it’s never going to be under control. Thanks guys.


This was me with me ex-girlfriend in the beginning. I think my issue was that I wasn’t being completely honest with myself and thought just because she was gorgeous that everything would work but it gave me that same performance anxiety that you’re probably feeling. She would ask me if I was fine too and would encourage me that everything was fine.

What helped me the most was changing my mindset. From “am I going to get soft” to “I’m going to make her feel great”. If she’s getting intimate with you, she likes you a lot my guy. Chances are she has had lots of guys try to be in your shoes, but out of all of them, she wants you. Regardless of how you are in bed, all she wants is you to be the one inside of her, 30 seconds to 30 minutes, it is all good with them.

I’m sure you know that 30 seconds is a huge compliment to them. 30 minutes is almost too long for most. At the end of the day, if she wants you, there is no need to overthink that.

Hope this helps brother. Don’t overthink too much!


Thank you for the advice! You are exactly right and it is like I have a voice in my head telling me I’m going to go soft before it even happens and then it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy!

She really has been so amazing and understanding and although we get intimate other ways when it doesn’t work, I just want to be able to overcome this for her and repay her patience. I really do just need to stop overthinking so much.

Really does help hearing others perspectives though so thanks again.



I would strongly suggest having a listen to the therapy sessions in the app I’ve found them really helpful e.g the set on sexual intelligence - will need to listen to more than just the first episode to get the most value.

A key thing perhaps is that this idea that intercourse is the main event is quite possibly not true … my partner gets hardly any sensation from it and can quite frankly take it or leave it - I love it though but if we don’t do it, the session is by no means a failure.

If we do it, it’s actually for me rather than her and she is by no means let down if we don’t… I have struggled to accept this “gift” but that is my issue not hers…

Relax and enjoy your time with your partner exploring together…


Im in the same boat brother,
Carbon copy of your situation!
You feel like a failure in the morning dont you, its mental! Never had this issue before!
Not after swinging from the rafters but a functional erection would be nice


Same boat as well. Mid 20s, new gf. Haven’t had sex yet but have tried. I have had No problems with girls I’ve hooked up with in recent months. However, w my gf I get worried and anxious about being intimate all day. When we are together at night, I feel anxious and want it to stop bc I am embarrassing myself. She’s amazing and understanding. This will pass.

It happened to me for a few weeks w a girl last year and it passed. The app helps, hard to not think about this stuff during the workday