Silencing the inner critic

So this will probably turn out to be longer than I expected but whatever I need to get this off my chest…

So some background… it’s been a few years since the last time my wife and I had sex, this is due to a situation I put myself in: I wasn’t getting any for a while due to my own inaction, which I now know and understand, but I booked some time with a hooker and my wife found out about and needless to say, it infuriated her. But we are on better terms now and I know how to communicate things with her. A few days ago, I told her I wanted to have sex, this was the first time since any of this went down that we had any sort of physical contact so it might be that or it might be due to the fact that I built this all up in my head but I couldn’t really get it hard, and keep it hard long enough to make anything happen. I don’t know if it’s because it felt like a pity fuck or the lack of any foreplay but it was devastating for me. I had never experienced anything like this before. To say I am hung up on this is an understatement of the year. She has been awesome about it though, and has encouraged me to seek out help on the issue and has reiterated multiple times that this isn’t a big deal and I am probably not alone in this, which I really hope I am not! It just brought my worst and biggest fears to the forefront of everything…


It sounds like there was a lot on your mind and like that was a high-pressure scenario, so I’m not surprised the pressure showed up in your body like that!

It’s really great that you and your wife are communicating so honestly and that you’re looking to bring sex into your relationship more often. You must have a great bond.

You identified that the lack of foreplay and the framing of the situation could have been contributing factors here. I wonder if you and your wife could talk about trying again and changing up some of the foreplay or the vibe?

You could also ask if there’s anything that she’d like during the next round — if you’re both in the zone, it won’t feel like a pity fuck and chances are you’ll both have a better experience. You’re already having open communication, so leverage that and see where you can both go next. I don’t think your most recent sexual experience represents how it’s always going to be, but if it lit a fire under you to look critically at your sex life, maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

Good luck!