I am going through the same issue as you. My partner would storm off and get mad at me for not being able to get erect with her. I just found sex with her awkward and it led to me feeling like it was my fault. Now out of my last 3 partners I’ve only been able to get hard for one, one even gave me oral and it went flaccid right away
I have experienced ED for a long time, resulting in what I see as a completely failed sexual life, a reliance on pornography for stimulation and, ultimately, the loss of my marriage. Physically, I appear to have no issues. I’ve been to see various consultants and therapists for medication, injections, scans, even hypnotherapy and sex therapy. All without sorting out my ED. From an entirely research based position, it was interesting to discover the medical professions utter insistence on medication and an A to B programme that told me I was fine, they couldn’t find anything wrong… but there was no suggestion of what to do next. Now though, having done further research myself, I realise that the medical profession was ill-equipped to help. There wasn’t a magic pill for me as my issues are psychological. In the hopes of regaining an enjoyable and exciting sex life, Mojo seems to have the right balance of knowledge, experience and sharing community. I’m looking forward to working through my anxiety around sex and dealing with the pressures, perceived or otherwise, of having sex. I’m tired of “failing”. That’s what’s brought me to Mojo. I just wish I’d found you guys sooner, but am very grateful that you’re here.
Yes. I’m 73 and started having issues about 2 years ago. Both wife and I still please each other in other ways but I want to be able to get as hard as I used to. So here I am.
I’ll give a bit of detail in the event someone is struggling with similar issues to me… or hasn’t yet connected the same dots.
For my entire adult life (now 25) I’ve struggled with getting/sustaining erections and delayed ejaculation. Apart from a 2-3 year period where I managed to ‘perform’ with reasonable consistency (I was in a committed relationship with the same girl, relatively happy with where I was in life, and barely watching porn at all) I probably manage to get an erection and maintain it for long enough to climax 1 in 3 times I have sex. The first time with someone new I almost always have issues. Viagra helps at the margin, but given the issue is psychological and not physiological it’s far from a cure for me.
About 18 months ago I was casually dating someone I had mutual friends with, and my erection issues got quite mortifyingly relayed back to me second hand at a boozy lunch with a group of mates. Since then I’ve struggled to find the drive to pursue women, particularly if we have friends in common - ‘is it worth it at the risk of public humiliation?’.
While I’m still exploring the ultimate cause, I suspect low self esteem and increasingly unhealthy porn usage are the key drivers. Stresses associated with holding down a high-pressure, demanding job while simultaneously struggling with some underlying mental health issues (ADHD/depression - both clinically diagnosed) have compounded the problem. I also suspect ADHD is a significant factor in my compulsive relationship with porn - a powerful source of instant gratification for someone with a dopamine deficiency (more powerful, continuously novel and readily available than Cocaine in my experience).
Came across Mojo Men whilst listening to a podcast, and it’s been great to know more young men like me are struggling with these issues. I’ve gone cold turkey on porn for almost a month now and have had a couple of sessions of psychosexual therapy. Too early to gauge results, but I think things are moving in the right direction.
Just want to thank Angus, Xander, and the Mojo team for raising awareness for and working on building a solution to an issue that, while extremely crippling and prevalent, fails to get the attention it deserves since the sufferers are almost exclusively silent.
Cheers guys x
I’d like to share my super weird story and get some hints to see things positively.
I am 25 yo, and never had ED and I have never had any psychological problems. ED didn’t even cross my mind, my penis was ready whenever I needed and I had a good libido.
In dec 2019 I started dating a new girl and the second time we met we had sex, the first two times were pretty good, the third time (in three hours ) my penis decided to quit the game (there is a specific reason for that, a weird sexual request from the girl I tried to satisfy…). It was the first time this happened and I felt so bad…
After that day, we tried to have sex many times but my erection dropped during the penetration.
Covid has arrived and I haven’t had the chance to meet that girl again.
Meanwhile, my masturbatory life proceeded pretty good: strong erections and no worries (once a day, most of the times watching porn) but I constantly had the attention on the quality of my erections (e.g. morning woods, change in the erection depending on the position, ecc…)
In january 2021 during a masturbation I suddenly lost my erection and I couldn’t get it back… I got really frightened: couldn’t sleep and couldn’t get erections for almost 2 weeks.
I decided to go to an urologist that visited me and told me I had no physical problem, thus my ED was 100% psychogenic.
Knowing this, things improved a little bit and I started having strong morning woods and sometimes (when I had no anxiety), also very good erections during masturbation.
By the way I now suffer from a tremendous performance anxiety (also during masturbation) and most of the times whenever I start getting an erection my anxiety inexplicabily increases and of course, my penis goes down.
I tried with a psychological teraphy but it just made things worse (I had just four meetings, but I was in a mood for which theraphy was just not helping).
In march 2021 my doctor prescribed me Trintellix, Mirtazapine and Citalopram, plus some Xanax when needed. I took them until August, then I saw no improvements and my doctor wanted to give me some more powerful meds but I wasn’t fine with that so I changed doctor. My new doctor has asked me to gradually discontinue antidepressants and he started a talk therapy. My depression is much better now, although I’m having some serious problems with anxiety that most of the times I cannot even masturbate. I am on Tadalafil 5mg every 36 hours and this helps, but I just feel I cannot overome my performance anxiety.
Don’t think I am crazy, but I have also thought about getting a penile implant to fix my dramatic situation…
I’m just afraid I will never be able to have sex again as sex, erections and masturbation are giving me so much anxiety right now…
Been having issues for roughly 3 years now, am able to get hard or at least mostly hard but then struggle to maintain it or it goes away once my wife and I really start to have sex. This happened this morning even when i was hard and I was the one initiating sex when we woke up but as soon as then she started touching me and we went to start it went away (meaning I was very much mentally wanting to have sex and into it, so why did it go away!!)
At first I thought it was physical as it did not happen all the time and ended up going to see a urologist after it happened a few times in a row and they ended up just prescribing pills to take before having sex (after examining and determining in their opinion that nothing was truly wrong physically).
While taking the pills worked for the most part, the idea of scheduling sex or having to guess or plan when to take the pill took the spontaneity out of things. At some point in the last year+ of having access to the pills, I certainly noticed a difference in performance due to knowing when I had taken the pills or not – when not then sex would almost never work, the pills had become a crutch. There have been countless times I have now been unable to perform over these last 3 years and it is def in my mind whenever we initiate sex now, I believe it has also led to me not initiating sex as often as I used to in the past for fear of failure.
I am a relatively healthy 39 yo who both my primary care and urologist say have no noticeable physical conditions that would cause this, so trying to figure out how to get over the mental side of this as I believe this is where my problem now resides.
I want to get to the point where sex is fun again, I am not afraid to initiate it, and ultimately where I do not have to rely on a pill the rest of my life to get and maintain an erection
What did your urologist do to determine there was nothing wrong physically?
You may find a couple of our blog posts helpful to answer your question in the meantime.
Firstly, feel free to check out our ED Tests & Diagnosis piece - this is a pretty comprehensive post which covers all the possible tests that could be carried out to rule out something physical.
We also have a blog post which could be handy if you’re thinking about speaking to your doctor about ED. It covers information about some checks and questions they may ask you, as well as help you prepare your own questions and information to get the most out of your appointment.
Of course, every doctor and urologist is different, but this should give you a good foundation of info.
Hope this helps!
I’ve only just joined myself
Im in the exact same position as you. I’ve never ever had a successful sexual encounter that is not medicated.
Right now, i’m noticing that C20 and V50 are starting to become less effective.
My penis doesn’t exist for anything besides peeing if i dont take pills.
I’ve done everything from
Quit smoking and drinking
Get two day nocturnal erection meter (basically an electric cock ring that confirms you have a penis, i’ve looked into it and it means nothing)
Speak to cognitive behaviour therapist
Seen a urologist
Chinese traditional healer
Herbal teas and supplement
Quit porn and masturbation (since march 2020)
And it seems to be getting worse.
Its makes me feel suicidal and alone
Even when i started Mojo, i felt like i was too fucked for Mojo to help
I “never” achieved an erection in my adult life on my own
If there is anyone out there that can help me/us
Hi I’m Angus. What you’re feeling is totally understandable. Erection issues can make us feel broken. The fact you are able to open up and write on the forum shows great strength.
I’m confident the Mojo community can help. We’re all here for you and going to do whatever we can. Do you feel comfortable joining a Mojo connect and speaking with others in a similar situation?
You mention you have been feeling suicidal. You deserve support, do you have someone you are able to talk to about this? If not we would like to signpost you to come free resources.
thanks for taking the time to reply.
i have opened up about it a little more in the last two years since i stopped masturbating and watching porn.
its just that when i started Mojo it made me dip a little because some stories mention that they first started noticing ED at a later age and can remember a time of normality.
my first experience with ED was at 15 and i’m now approaching 31.
I fluctuatie betwen feeling hopeful and hopeless. I feel like i’m damaged beyond repair.
I am planning to join a Connect as soon as i possibly can. I work until 8 on Mondays which makes it tricky
I have spoken to people about it and thankfully i have it under control. I have been prescribed antidepressants that i have avoided so that the glimpse of sex life i get with pills doesn’t get affected.
I don’t feel negative all the time. Its only when i go through a failed sexual attempt or i do a lot of reading and feel like im going no where.
Have you listened to any of the real therapy listen-ins on the platform? We are recruiting for the next season at the moment?
If you want to jump on a call to discuss it further, we can arrange a time?
I’m going along with the listening courses. I’ve done two modules i think so far. Unless you mean something else.
I’m happy to be a part of it.
Can we please. I’ve reached out by email and instagram asking to speak to you before. Let me know if and when we can talk
I’ve had erection issues on and off for 10 years. My wife and I are trying to have a baby and when she’s ovulating and I cant get hard, that’s been very frustrating. We are both in our mid 40’s, I’m overweight and just found out my testosterone is low (160). I have had problems with viewing porn (mostly religious reasons) and am getting therapy so those images don’t affect my erections with my wife. Mojo has already been extremely useful but connecting with other guys and hearing your stories will be an added bonus. Knowlede is power. Good luck to all!
I was in same situation after so many ups and downs…cialis works sometimes but at one point, when my wife was visibly frustrated, I also thought about suicide and am in counseling/therapy which has been helpful to deal with life in general. Don’t want my penis to only work using pills. Getting to the root is why I’m on Mojo. Throwing the kitchen sink at this issue. I’m doing supplements to improve testosterone and diving into the Mojo material. Be encouraged.
For those wondering if the info here is useful or can help you, well I thought I’d share my experience. I joined the platform this summer, as I wanted to finally get a hold on my performance anxiety which has been with me my whole dating/sex life, since I was about 16. This meant that I had actually never had sex. As a result, my confidence to perform, go on dates, or put myself out there was on the floor. I spent years contemplating why it was happening and developed a lot of anxiety around this. I was constantly wandering if I was asexual, if I was unaware that I was gay, or whether I had some underlying physical issue.
But really it’s all mental, and using this platform has helped me understand this. Listening to other people’s experiences of the same issues has really helped to relieve a lot of my anxiety. It’s helped me realise that this has stemmed from my early sexual experiences, experiences where I probably just wasn’t ready. Not only that but it’s driven home an idea that I was already aware of but hid from. That open communication is crucial. I never wanted to talk about my problems, but slowly I’ve gotten better and better at having these conversations. Not only with partners but with friends, family, doctors or anyone who’ll listen. I always felt as though talking about made it real. But really it’s the opposite. My head is the only place it really exists, and having these conversations has helped me to get out of my head.
Anyway, I met a girl a couple of months ago. After a few dates, and on the night of my 24th birthday, I told her about all my performance anxiety issues. She smiled and told me she was happy that I shared that with her and that it was okay if I couldn’t perform. Later that night we tried to have sex. I couldn’t get it up at first, but as I began to relax I got hard and had sex for the first time.
I’m not cured or am I over my issues surrounding sex and relationships. I still have a lot to learn. But I’m getting there and I’m starting to feel some confidence and clarity around sex. This platform has helped a lot on this journey, and I think it has a lot of valuable content for all of you struggling with ED and performance anxiety. I hope everyone finds something to help them here. Good luck! and remember to communicate!!
P.S. big thank you to the mojo guys, the platform is great!
The very first time I had sex I was 16 and hadn’t done anything else. It was my first time even seeing a vagina and I was not expecting it to go the way it did. But I noticed that I couldn’t really get hard, like I was really nervous. I was able to get it up a little bit but ended up losing my erection. That girl I ended up dating for nearly 5 years, and after a few times with her, I no longer felt nervous and I no longer had a problem. It took some practice with really relaxing and feeling my body when we’d hook up.
Flash forward to about 3 years into our relationship and we decide to have a threesome with another girl. But as we start getting into it, I notice I can’t get hard at all! Even with my girl there I couldn’t get aroused, I was just too nervous. We ended up breaking up later on and since then I’ve been with about 10 other girls and just used viagra the first time every time. But now I’ve run out and I don’t want to restart my prescription and have since had two encounters with two different girls where I couldn’t get it up and one basically ghosted me after. It’s been hard, it’s a very upsetting and embarrassing thing, and it feels like a weight to carry around. As soon as I’ve been with someone a couple times, there’s no issue, but especially that first time, I just have a massive rush of anxiety and adrenaline and it’s as if I was in a cold pool or something. Even on viagra it’s sometimes hard to get it up. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it though. It’s plagued me most of my years being sexually active and I told one of my close friends about one experience and kinda made it sound like it was the only time it ever happened, and even then he couldn’t relate. He was cool about it but he didn’t know what I was talking about. All advice says talk to your partner and be open but with girls who are mainly just trying to hook up, it’s kind of inappropriate to be that vulnerable sometimes, which I get is fucked up, but god I just want to have a chill comfortable fun experience rather than have it be this “whole thing”. I just want to be normal. It’s hard man (or i guess its not hard lol).
Anyway that’s why I’m here. Probably going to get some cialis tomorrow or something but that’s clearly not the solution long term. At this point though it seems more detrimental to my self image and mental health just continue to suffer through these shitty sexual encounters.
Have had intermittent ED issues most of my adult life after having an inability to get an erection for the first time at 19 years of age as a I was about to break up with my girlfriend (makes sense but what did I know back then). From that point forward, the seed of doubt was planted. I had many sexual partners during my younger years, but would move on quickly after the novelty wore off which I think was how I dealt with my ED (constant variety). Now 58 years old and married to a beautiful and understanding woman for 20 years. When I’m out of my head, the sex has been fantastic but we have had some rough patches. As I have gotten older with the common ED that comes with age and our sex has become very routine, I have tried V and C which help but doesn’t always get me into the moment and the anxiety is always lurking in the background. The thought of finding and talking to a sex therapist has been hard to get past, and then I found Mojo. I thought I’d give it a try and see if the exercises and listening to counseling sessions help me be present and stop the irrational worrying.
I went through exactly the same thing and I was so sure it was going to cost me the girl I had just started dating. She was really understanding but I thought she was just being that way to be nice. Anyway, we’re over a year down the line now and still going strong. The ED is still present but not as bad as before. I know it’s difficult man but hang on in there, things can and do get better. This group has been a massive support for me.