Like a lot of people here, I was exposed to porn at a young age around 11. What started as curiosity quickly turned into my main coping mechanism. Whenever I felt stressed, lonely, or overwhelmed by life, whether it was school, work, relationships, or family drama I would turn to porn. I would spend hours watching and escaping, using it to shut off my thoughts and emotions. Days would pass like that, and I felt trapped in a cycle of numbing myself and then feeling empty afterward. I also experienced sexual abuse as a child. Between ages 5 and 15, a family member repeatedly crossed boundaries with me. I don’t remember everything clearly, but I know it shaped the way I saw sex. Because of that, I never really understood intimacy as something loving or safe it always felt confusing, secretive, and disconnected. Later, after a painful breakup and money problems, I started an OnlyFans account to make ends meet. I did cam shows and promoted myself online. At first it was about survival, but soon I got hooked on the sexual attention and validation I received. It became another addiction one that made me feel seen and wanted for a moment, but left me feeling ashamed and hollow afterward. Like most addictions, it escalated. The more I used porn and online sex, the more I needed to feel the same high. My habits became more extreme and risky. I started sexting with strangers and meeting people for hookups. Every time, I told myself it was just a way to blow off steam, but deep down I knew I was trying to escape from my pain and loneliness. Now, l’m in a heterosexual relationship with someone I truly love. But when I get stressed or overwhelmed, those same urges resurface to seek attention, flirt, or act out online. I also felt as if I was getting addicted to the thrill of knowing that I was doing something that I wasn’t supposed to be doing Afterward I’m filled with guilt and shame, because I know I’m betraying the trust of someone who really loves me.I also recognize that I might be bisexual, and I’m learning to accept that part of myself. My goal isn’t to deny my sexuality but to stop using it as a form of escape. I want to reach a place where I can feel balanced where I can connect emotionally, not just sexually, and where I can manage stress without turning to porn or sexual behaviors. I know I have a long road ahead, but I want to break through this cycle as it has been such a rough thing for me to have to work through. I would appreciate any advice or tips to try and beat this before, I have done no fap cycles with failure and I dont have anyone to reach out to about this. I appreciate any help.
Firstly, I’m really sorry to hear about the past you have. I would strongly suggest you seek some professional help so you can overcome your feelings and frustrations.
As for now, if you do try and at least reduce porn usage to a set time and day, that will help massively. If you have the urge, do a breathing exercise and/or grounding exercise to see if you can redirect or ride the urge out. Distractions also help, after the breathwork and grounding find a quick small chore to do and say to yourself “I’m better off without porn”. Or anything that helps fight against the urge and builds up your own self worth.