Performance Anxiety since trying for baby

Me and my partner started trying for a baby recently, as soon as we started trying I essentially got performance anxiety. It’s been incredibly frustrating and upsetting. It’s lead to a lot of uncomfortable conversations with my partner. I tried viagra, I only took half but got so anxious about taking it and thinking about what I was taking it for that didn’t work. We have been going through a lot recently with other stuff so I’m really stressed and just feel like I’m in some horrible loop now. I’ve not even got a hard on myself in about two weeks now. Really hope this helps but starting to already think I may need a councillor?

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It sounds like a lot of stress is weighing on you. It makes total sense that you’re feeling frustrated, but I’m so sorry it’s been so tough and you’re in what feels like a horrible loop.

It’s great you’re trying Mojo. Have you gone through the Performance Anxiety course yet? Do you think that any of it rings true for you?

As well as the Soft Penis Pleasuring and Box Breath exercises from the Performance Anxiety course, some guys find that trying the Mojo meditations soothe nerves and anxiety before sex. Consider trying the meditation series Overcoming Pre-sex Nerves.

You could try to listen to one episode a day (they’re about 8-10 mins each) for the next 8 days. And you can return to a particular meditation right before you have sex and use it like a point-of-need tool to get you out of your head and feeling calm and ready.

Our meditation coach Mike says that the ‘best’ meditation to do before sex is the one that you like. But if you want a recommendation, I think ‘Calm’ from that series might be worth trying.

At Mojo, we are big believers in the power of counselling and therapy. If you want to let us know which country you are in, we can signpost you to some resources so you can find a professional that will support you and get you back on track.

Sending you lots of luck and support :relaxed:

Grace from Mojo

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Hi there

I am having the exact same problem. Everything you said rings true to me. I had performance anxiety a bit before trying for baby, but it has got so much worse now. We used to be able to work through it, but recently has been the first time we had to knock it on the head for the night and admit defeat. Feels terrible. Would love to converse with you at some point :slight_smile:

I am currently going through the same thing. Would also like to connect with anyone open too to discuss more :blush:

I’ve noticed when I am open about it I feel better and it’s gives me more hope

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I have been going through this exact same thing. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for 18 months now and the performance anxiety and catastrophizing started for me after about 6 months or so. I also had the same issue with Viagra as you’d. It has been really tough on our marriage. I can’t seem to get out of my head. The mediations have helped me I think but I still worry. If anyone has anything that has helped them I would love to talk.

Hi,

I’m experiencing exactly the same issue. We have been trying for a baby for 4 years. Had tests done and told no problems with either of us.

Sex was always structured, every other day! Became extremely monotonous. One day I lost my erection and in all honesty I haven’t been able to have sex since! This was in may 2021. Even the thought of sex fills me with despair and my anxiety goes through the roof. I literally can’t explain how mortified I am with it all, it’s literally horrendous.

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The issue of sexual performance anxiety has been at the center of my shame and suffering since high school, although the roots of my anxiety began at a very early age. My father who had huge daemons in his closet, especially sexually, attacked me and my penis on a number of occasions. Along with pinching my penis when I was about 5 years old and hitting my balls with the palm of his hand, he once said to me: “I will hit you in the balls so hard, you will lose them forever.” He really said that to me. And for years I have worked through much of this in my Men’s Alanon group that I belong to in NYC. But now I am jumping into Mojo to recover my MOJO! Thanks for letting me share my shame and pain that has manifested in my sexual performance anxiety.l. May we all fully recover and prosper sexually!

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Hi Grace, could we discuss resources and therapist options that I could potentially use?

Hello. I really know the feeling. I don’t know if it helps knowing other people are out there struggling with the same problems but perhaps it’s reassuring to know other people suffer too. I have thrown a lot at trying to fix this, especially since it seems to occupy so much mental space each day that it prevents me from really enjoying normal things in life. I started paying to see a psychosexual therapist (we are working through issues related to having an inner critic) and I am trying to be much more rigorous with regular meditation. That is probably the only thing I can say is beginning to help just ease the intrusiveness of the thoughts, but it’s still not fixed it. I am trying to keep positive, knowing that I HAVE had erections in the past with the SAME partner so the issue is all in my head. It is unlikely this will be FOREVER which makes me think… so when will things stop? That is less easy to say! My partner is very frustrated, she is less good at talking about this stuff, quite introverted and despite what I say, I think she thinks it’s all about her and her age, her looks etc… which it isn’t. We are trying for a baby but she is 40 and there are obvious fertility issues at that age so we are going down the IVF route which I’m sure doesn’t help. Sx just feels like a chore now which I’ve read is a big passion killer. Porn erections are unaffected but while this is frustrating I try to remember that it means YOU DO NOT HAVE AN INTRINSIC PROBLEM WITH GETTING AN ERECTION… this is in my head. Well, my friend, those are my issues. I hope sharing them helps, if you’d like to write back and just unburden, I’m here!

Hello. I really know the feeling. I don’t know if it helps knowing other people are out there struggling with the same problems but perhaps it’s reassuring to know other people suffer too. I have thrown a lot at trying to fix this, especially since it seems to occupy so much mental space each day that it prevents me from really enjoying normal things in life. I started paying to see a psychosexual therapist (we are working through issues related to having an inner critic) and I am trying to be much more rigorous with regular meditation. That is probably the only thing I can say is beginning to help just ease the intrusiveness of the thoughts, but it’s still not fixed it. I am trying to keep positive, knowing that I HAVE had erections in the past with the SAME partner so the issue is all in my head. It is unlikely this will be FOREVER which makes me think… so when will things stop? That is less easy to say! My partner is very frustrated, she is less good at talking about this stuff, quite introverted and despite what I say, I think she thinks it’s all about her and her age, her looks etc… which it isn’t. We are trying for a baby but she is 40 and there are obvious fertility issues at that age so we are going down the IVF route which I’m sure doesn’t help. Sx just feels like a chore now which I’ve read is a big passion killer. Porn erections are unaffected but while this is frustrating I try to remember that it means YOU DO NOT HAVE AN INTRINSIC PROBLEM WITH GETTING AN ERECTION… this is in my head. Well, my friend, those are my issues. I hope sharing them helps, if you’d like to write back and just unburden, I’m here!

Hello. I really know the feeling. I don’t know if it helps knowing other people are out there struggling with the same problems but perhaps it’s reassuring to know other people suffer too. I have thrown a lot at trying to fix this, especially since it seems to occupy so much mental space each day that it prevents me from really enjoying normal things in life. I started paying to see a psychosexual therapist (we are working through issues related to having an inner critic) and I am trying to be much more rigorous with regular meditation. That is probably the only thing I can say is beginning to help just ease the intrusiveness of the thoughts, but it’s still not fixed it. I am trying to keep positive, knowing that I HAVE had erections in the past with the SAME partner so the issue is all in my head. It is unlikely this will be FOREVER which makes me think… so when will things stop? That is less easy to say! My partner is very frustrated, she is less good at talking about this stuff, quite introverted and despite what I say, I think she thinks it’s all about her and her age, her looks etc… which it isn’t. We are trying for a baby but she is 40 and there are obvious fertility issues at that age so we are going down the IVF route which I’m sure doesn’t help. Sx just feels like a chore now which I’ve read is a big passion killer. Porn erections are unaffected but while this is frustrating I try to remember that it means YOU DO NOT HAVE AN INTRINSIC PROBLEM WITH GETTING AN ERECTION… this is in my head. Well, my friend, those are my issues. I hope sharing them helps, if you’d like to write back and just unburden, I’m here!