Been doing the course for 3 weeks now and it would seem to me that my one of my main problems is worrying that I won’t get an erection during sex which of course comes true. The teachings of app suggests that learning to enjoy the different sensations and feelings experienced during sex will help in taking away the worry of not being able to get erect/maintain an erection.
My thoughts are this, take away the issue of penetration completely and have an agreement with your partner to have non penetrative sex to relearn the pleasures of touch.
Has anyone tried this and had any success or what are your thoughts?
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My therapist and I discussed something similar- I tried if and think there is something to it. For me I think I need to step away from the pressure of meeting an ultimate goal.
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I think this is a foundational element for approaching most erection difficulties. Removing the expectation for an erection can be a huge relief and open up space to enjoy sex without that pressure.
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I agree with noisy-white-lizard. For me, going in with the idea of mutual masturbation or massage and seduction and sensuality “I’d love to take my time exploring your response to me touching here and my response to you touching here” is better than “I gotta get it up now or I’m a failure and will be abandoned” thinking patterns. Also being fine with their rejection (which may or probably will happen) and being self confident is what I’ve uncovered from my introspection. Not having repeated experiences that you know you’re not into. Flipping into fantasies and having good touch (I like light touch only, which requires taking your time) that are not porn fueled, anxious, or urgent, or used as a distraction from negative thoughts helped me a lot too.
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I like this idea and think it’s worth exploring. Mutual pleasure with no pressure of penetration takes away any pressure and you can grow closer to your partner by learning what else turns you both on.
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This has helped me quite a bit. Used to have non-penetrative play when it had been awhile but she wasn’t interested. I’m also about 3 weeks in.
Now that we both recognize that I need to work myself back into it, this method has helped me to focus on being present, focus on breathing, and focus on the fun without expectation on an erection. I certainly think it’s helped me to feel little more comfortable and a little more confident.
Remember- celebrate every win. Celebrate the progress forward. Stop measuring yourself for what you think should be and instead measure yourself by your progress forward. Celebrate every win.
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Hey there ! Totally agree with you, that was one of main topic of discussion with my last therapist that I’ve really struggled to grasp and implement. Tbh I’ve never really implemented it. It’s exposure at its core, and if you look at the scientific literrature on anxiety, it should be a really therapeutic exercize. However I think it is quite hard to practise if you dont have a regular, affectionate, loving partner but only ONS/ short term relations.
This is such an insightful point that really resonates for me. My biggest issue is that I don’t want to disappoint my partner because I can’t get hard, and so I just avoid sex with a partner completely, even when there is mutual interest. Going in with the mindset of not focusing on penetration and just enjoying other aspects of sex would be a huge step for me.
I love making other people feel good. So having a partner that I know would enjoy having sex, even without penetration, would be wonderful. U til I can get to a point where erections are natural.
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With my ex-boyfriend we ended up having a lot of non-penetrative sex because I got in my head to much. It still filled the cup or so to say, but it definitely was a silent killer in our relationship. I wish I had started this a year ago and it might have made a difference to our sex life
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Just as a side note, I recently discovered a pretty great penetrative/clitoral stimulation move with a couple of fingers and my thumb that my wife and I really liked. We’ve also talked about getting a dildo because there is something important about a woman being “filled” that may make some turn away from non-penetrative sex? There are various ways to make everyone happy with or without an erection.
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I’m in a newer relationship, and I’m not ready to explain the challenges I’ve been having just yet - BUT I have been hiding in a discrete manner. When things start heating up, and I feel my anxiety kick in, I have told her that “I’d like to focus on her tonight” to take the pressure off myself, then I’d go down on her with the intention of making her climax. However, since the pressure was off, I’d up getting hard on my own and would be able to perform. Or she’d return the favor, no penetration necessary. I don’t overdo it, but it’s been a good fallback and helps me relax.
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I like the idea. But this seems to work when you are with a partner. But what if it’s your first time with them and you are trying to leave a good impression?
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Mutual masturbation is really a good alternative however the problem I have been having is that I lose any sort of erection there too. She completes. I don’t.
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This is a really good idea and it has - at a minimum - led to some of the hottest experiences in the bedroom for me and the wife. It was both surprising and revelatory. If you have any uncertainty around disassociating PIV intercourse from ‘sex’ then I highly recommend reading or listening to some sex therapists talk about bedroom intimacy, maybe Emily Morse or Vanessa Marin. Intercourse is but one potential entree in a large buffet of activities. Knowing that the majority of female orgasms are not achieved solely via penetration anyway means the act alone should not be the primary objective. It can, also, if you think about it, greatly reduce the pressure on penetrative sex as the goal. Not saying it completely is the cure, but you will have some amazing memories and grateful nights if you are both on the same page.
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I have done nonpenetrative sex We have both reached orgasms with just touch. It also helps when I want to penetrte her
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I seem to be able to get hard touching myself but not when my partner does
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I’m in the same boat as you, however it’s all forms of intimacy (whether it’s touch, oral, or penetrative) I get so worried about staying up that I lose it completely.
I do recall one night telling a sexual partner that I ‘wasn’t really in the mood’ before I went over and they understood that, so when we ended up cuddling watching a movie I got hard (one thing led to another) and I was able to stay hard because I removed the expectation unintentionally (ended up having fun in the end and were both satisfied).
So very much on par with your psychological side of it
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My GF has essentially tried to take away the requirement of sex when she recognizes me being in my head and away from the focus of each other and has insisted we both focus on the fun and not the expectation that penetration is expected which has taken away a majority of the anxiety and worry, which in turn has allowed me to relax and then, what do you know, I’m much more aroused and penetration does typically occur.
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Here is an irony, our relationship started like this. Penetration was only part of the fun. As years rolled by it became a single thing…the one thing that is our kryptonite here in this conversation. I always craved the variety and still do. It’s taking time but we are slowly finding our way back. A therapist tried to point the way but I was the only one engaged. The transition needs to be subtle. I’m trying to be pleasure centred and not PIV centred. The toughest thing is my partner loves me inside….but that’s a different hill to climb. I too have noticed that when there is no expectation of sex that I can get hard. When there is expectation or anticipation it’s a million times more challenging.
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That’s basically what we always do when I can’t get it up. It’s kind of an unspoken understanding. And yes, it’s still pleasurable.
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