Hi guys, I’m M (23y), I had a 5y relationship - I was satisfied with my erection, I only didn’t last as long as I wanted (maybe too high libido + unexperienced with controlling ejaculation).
Last year I was single after the relationship and I wanted to experience with new girls. But I was kinda afraid. Everything was ok but when it come to sex, we dropped the clothes and I got nervous and lost my erection.
I tried to overcome this problem on my own throughout the year 2021. I did well, I realized that I just need to relax and enjoy the moment. Until I met a wonderful girl, and I was putting extreme pressure on myself and my performance. I wasn’t able to stay hard, I was stuck in my head with the fight or flight mode on. I couldn’t overcome it and I was trying harder which led to creating sex in my mind as some extremely anxious situation.
I was at home, constantly thinking about it, and about what is wrong with me. Will I ever be able to enjoy sex again? Why do I have to face these problems? I tried to masturbate at home, but I was so anxious that I didn’t really want to masturbate, I just wanted to prove to myself that I can stay hard on my own as I used to. But even in this solo situation, I got stuck in my head because I was constantly thinking about it in my mind. I tried a few times in a week, putting unnecessary pressure on myself again which led to viewing masturbation as an anxious act I guess.
Now I would like to regain back my libido. It’s been 2 months and still, nothing really changed. I think that with my libido back I could overcome the problem of getting it up. Because when I try to go out with the girl I already view that it can end in bed and that I won’t get it up and fail.
My ED problems are only psychological, I got it from performance anxiety which I got because I think “what if I don’t last enough”. And then the ED led to completely losing libido.
What should I focus on first, please? I’m part of this community for just a week, but I’d love to do my best. I have a strong hope that I can overcome it, just don’t know where to start since I have more issues that I struggle with.
In the last couple years I’ve had desert wasteland periods of low / no libido, and reckon they’ve probably come from anxiety and anticipation, as well as old shame and guilt. I’ve been lucky to recently find someone patient and willing to work with me, and focusing on pleasing them has sometimes helped me to get aroused too. But until you have that I’d recommend trying to reconnect with your fantasies, to allow yourself to indulge in them - ideally without porn, so you can use your imagination more and let your hands wander as you feel comfortable.
Hi mate - this is super interesting as I have been in almost exactly the same situation! I was in a 5y relationship with an amazing girl but we had a pretty mutual breakup as it wasn’t really working. I’m a little older but what you are going through is similar to me.
To give you some insight - when we were first started dating I really struggled to get it up (first two times I didn’t whilst also using viagra as I got pretty nervous). We did sleep together on the third attempt then didn’t for quite a while as she wasn’t overly keen on sex at the time (she was recovering from alopecia so wasn’t feeling great about herself). We then started sleeping together more regularly and I got out of my head feeling super comfortable with her. Then for the rest of the 5 years I never had a problem getting it up or maintaining an erection.
Fast forward this time last year we broke up and I wanted to start dating girls. My first date ended up with me taking a girl back and (with the help of Viagra - I was nervous I wouldn’t get hard) I was able to have really good sex. Throughout the summer with multiple girls I didn’t really have a problem but the previous girl I started to struggle and things ended after 4 dates (I actually called it off).
I’ve started seeing a great girl having gone on multiple dates lately. First time she came back I freaked out and got in my head and didn’t get it up at all (being very drunk doesn’t help!). Second time I did but only after we went to bed and I felt totally relaxed. Third time came close to having sex then got in my head again. We’ll see how things go but it’s the worst when you realise you actually are quite keen on them so I feel your pain. Just know that you are not alone and that all the people on here are working through this.
If your overall libido is down my first advice would be to get exercising - I find this hugely helps my mood, energy and with that libido. Hope you are getting on ok since you posted.