It always happens right before showtime 🤦🏻‍♂️

The other night I went out with a girl I really like and am attracted too. We ended up in bed, I was a little nervous and in my head but overall, things were going pretty smoothly. But as soon as she asked me to put on the condom, my heart rate shot up… I got nervous, even started to feel a little hot and sweaty, I got in my head, and as a result, I went soft. This has happened to me several times now and it’s starting to really affect me. I feel a major weight of shame afterwords. Even though she was kind and understanding about it, I can still notice that she really wanted it. She took a cab home shortly after and my mind wouldn’t let me sleep because of the shame, confusion, and frustration with myself. Sucks because I am
genuinely interested in her and wanted to display that for her sexually. To give some context, I used to have great sex, but about 2 years ago I got nervous with one girl right before it was showtime and I got soft. That night traumatized me going forward so it’s happened several times since. Seems to be all mental. Has anybody else had any similar experiences? Any success stories? Recommendations?

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Sorry that i don’t have recommendations, but i can say it’s the same for me. I’ve been in a relationship for about 9 years now we’re marrying next year but since year 3ish for some reason i’ve been having issues performing which led to bedroom tension and even a newr non existent sex life because i took it really hard. Me taking it really hard also diminished her enjoyment to the point we both nuked our libido’s for reference i turned 29 this year so it was my mid 20s when this started. I went on vacation to NYC to meet some people so i was forced to abstain from porn for nearly 2 weeks and that did cause my libido to come back to the point that on the day me and my fiancé where together alone i managed to perform. I don’t know if you watch porn but i’d suggest trying to stop i think it sort of normalized seeing a naked woman lessening the drive and giving space for doubt. Another thing is getting pills and using them at first but slowly stopping them and taking longer for foreplay. When i had that pill in me and thought oh it takes an hour to work we just took our time with foreplay and that seemed to help. I took my time and sort of forgot about my doubts after a while. Sorry for the rambling post i’m about to leave but what you said hit close to home so i wanted to shoot out my thoughts at least as a way of support i guess. Please forgive some spelling mistakes tho english isn’t my native language.

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I really appreciate the reply. Good to know I’m not alone in this. It’s interesting you say “for some reason” you’ve been having issues. I felt the same way the first time this happened to me… it was for “some reason” and I still cannot seem to completely understand why yet. You raise a good point, I should stop looking at sexual content as much as I do. I appreciate the support.

When I was single mid 30’s I started to have issues with get soft when it was time to get the condom on and as a result I was getting a bit careless with wearing one unless the girl insisted. I decided to try pills as an insurance policy.

This worked most but not all the time for being ready for action, condom or not. I will say though I never took a full pill for some reason. So perhaps the nights it didn’t work even with pill the dose was just too low.

Regardlless, a couple things - you might want to consider temporary “insurance policy” with some help from pills. Second, pills or not when it doesn’t happen and she’s hot and begging for it and you want her also - it’s an absolutely horrific feeling.

One thing that’s always helped me though was to think my penis knew better than I did. That there was a chance I could have knocked the girl up, she’s got mental issues or what not and that would have been infinitely worse. Magnitudes and magnitudes worse and in that case, my penis saved me.

So I know it hurts when you’re in it but do your best to keep the big picture in mind and reframe the experience.

In a practical note it might also help to practice putting a condom on in the dark and working out what might trigger fear for you. Is it getting the condom? Is it that you feel you need to hurry? The right size and fit? Whatever it is get those details sorted as best you can.

Dude I really appreciate the comment and advice. Super helpful!