Is it too late now?

🍆 Erection issues
1

Hey all.

I’m 36 and I’m really lost now and just looking for help / advice.

I’m wondering if it’s maybe just too late for me to recover from my “perfect storm” of symptoms to ever think of having a full natural erection ever again.

I’ve always struggled with performance anxiety since I was a teenager, it started with condoms I would almost always Lose my erection when trying to get one on and it would be a real mess to get the mood back/ keep my erection.

After this I’ve had a series of relationships that always started ok with sex then it slowly came to a stop, with me being rejected from nearly all my advances to the point I felt undesirable, unattractive and insurmountable amounts of shame.

This eventually lead to a reliance on mastrubation in order to fulfill my needs.

I wouldn’t say to excessive amounts (3 times a week average) but I think this has also built up over the years and numbness in my penis and also my mind is an issue. Like it takes elaborate scenarios and feelings (emotional factors) in order for me to feel aroused.

I’m currently married, the same cycle kind of played its self out in my marriage but It was ok to the extent that, the reasons we weren’t having as much sex or sexual intimacy came from things like kids, work, stress… regular stuff you know, stuff that comes with building a life with someone. But still…. Being rejected all the time…. It doesn’t feel good, I really feel so much shame for wanting sex in those moments and beyond. It also makes me feel SO MUCH PRESSURE that if we do have sex it needs to be AMAZING or I won’t get another chance.

A big factor recently came to light when my wife started going to therapy and a lot of things she had buried in the past have come back to haunt her and she’s working through them. They are tragic stories of child abuse both sexual, physical and psychological.

I have done my best and have not made any advances, suggestions or conversations about sex to her to best give her space and time to process what she’s working through. However it’s now been a year since we have been intimate and I’m now worried that my hopes of intimacy are truly dead.

I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts (I’m working on it). I also am also discovering that I have elevated / high blood pressure, which I’m reading recently can cause ED.

Basically…. I feel like there’s a lot going against me, and whether this is a feeble attempt or do I need to be thinking bigger than Mojo to help solve my ED.

Any advice, and I mean any, would be appreciated :pray:

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Hey man, it’s sounds like you have a lot going on. You aren’t alone. While no two people are the same most have gone through unfortunate life situations. It’s cliche but life is tough! I know it can be hard, but to me it sounds like you should try therapy yourself. You talked about your wife going to therapy, maybe it will be good for you! It’s worth a try. Suicidal thoughts and depression are hard to work through with an app alone. I have anxiety and depression as well. I started on mojo to specifically target my ED problems. It has definitely helped me in that department, but I also found that it was really helping with my other mental health issues. I knew that some of the exercises I was doing were pretty common therapy things so I decided to keep the momentum going and try therapy as well. I’m not 100% better, but it has really helped me. And working through my other mental health issues have also really helped with my ED. I also found that talking to my partners about my problems and feelings have really helped take the pressure off. I think you could benefit from this too, especially since you’re married. Respecting your wife’s boundaries is very important, but I think you absolutely need to share how you feel with her. Of course you should ask her first if she’s ready to talk and you need to respect her wishes, but you have to try. These intimacy issues are not yours alone. You need to face them together. Since your wife is already going to therapy, maybe you could consider couples therapy. Thats can help get the discussion started. It’s never too late. You can always make your situation better. You don’t have to face your problems alone. You’d be surprised how much just talking about your issues can help. The people who care about you want to help you too. They can also support you as you work with a therapist. You got this man! Best of luck brother.

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Living-pink,
First- get yourself in a 1 on 1 therapy program for the thoughts of hurting yourself.
Secondly- as another reply stated, talk to your wife. Express your emotions, your anxiety and most of all your love for her. You prolly can’t get back to the way it was, but you guys can be better.
Maybe an additional therapy to help you both cope with each others stuff in a couples scenario?
Being scared of intimacy because of embarrassment cost me a 23 year marriage. Dont let it happen to you.

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:pray: Thank you so much for this mate :pray:

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I’m sorry for the pain you’ve faced brother. I can’t thank you enough for your encouraging words :pray:.

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Like one of the others stated. I started on Mojo for ED and now I’m in 1 on 1 therapy for myself. Not exactly self harm but lots of thoughts of not wanting to exist. Therapy is honestly helped me a lot in a lot of things. Been married for 17 years and sex is better now than it was before. So definitely haven’t missed the boat. My wife was married to a bad man previous to me and honestly it sucks. I spent a lot of the beginning of our marriage being punished for what he had done. Not sure but sounds like you are in that spot now. She is getting help and will hopefully be able to recover. Strongly recommend therapy though. Doing a lot for me. Wishing both you and your wife well!

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Thanks for sharing this mate. I try to remind myself it’s not my fault or anyone’s fault, but it’s nice to know that my feelings of being “put in the same bracket” and blamed are natural and other people in similar situations have felt how I’m feeling.

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You’re not alone. You’ve got the courage to be aware of and name your issues and then work on things and that’s HUGE!
I’m nearly 36 and one thing that helped me when sex with my wife became very rare was look into things like sensate focus or the erotic blueprint course. (Check sex love goop on netflix for reference).
There’s a chance that her/your sensitivities for safe arousal are different to the norm and it can be lifechanging to explore and uncover this. Also takes a tonne of pressure off which is always win win. All the best!

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Just don’t give up. She’s still there and willing to try. That’s more than I got.

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Don’t make it all about sex with her.
Just start with some intimacy, like giving one another a massage or a proper cuddle up on the sofa while watching something g together. Let it all slowly build from there.
I know when I start kissing my Mrs it all builds from that

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I’m 51 and working things out, slowly and atm on my own. It’s a fucking journey (hopefully, someday, literally!).
Sometimes I’m low, other times I’m better.
Having harmful to self or suicidal thoughts are not uncommon (I’m a therapist, too) - if they ever get overwhelming then speaking about them in a trusted place is a good first step.
You are not on your own :slight_smile:

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