I have a hard time staying hard during sex. My inner thoughts will get to me and I would get lost in my thoughts, just feeling like I’ve froze everytime. Last time I’ve been in a sexual moment with a female was 2 weeks ago and she gave me a hicky on my neck and that made me get hard and even when we touched on each other I felt myself getting turned on but my inner thoughts were just getting to me and I feel like it had to do with her being a friend of mine and I’m not really sexually attracted to her but I know it was also that I can hold myself back by letting my inner thoughts control me. I know now that my self doubt of sexual desire, pleasure, and intimacy with women comes from me not really feeling like I can express my sexual desires or my sex drive. People always made me feel like I was gay so I grew up internally believing it to where I’d feel lesser then when I’m around other men or when doing sports. Even though I was 2nd place in the state I live in and was a champ in football, did baseball, and took swimming classes, I still would feel like I’m not manly enough because it was always installed in my mind that I act like a girl. So this self doubt led to my sex drive with women, anytime I would get the sexual tension with a female I would instantly feel like I can’t receive pleasure or perform well. I believe my inner thoughts think it was protecting me when it causes more harm than good. Also, my porn addict was pretty bad, so remember when I said I started believing that I was gay? Yea, so my main orn category was gay*, because that’s all I knew growing up. That’s what I was told so that’s what I believed. These are things that my inner thoughts told me but when I stopped and thought to myself of why do I feel lesser then around other dudes, why do I not feel like I can receive or give pleasure, what is my sexuality? So since I’ve been getting to know myself, I’m just going to let loose and not hold back on intimacy with women. As far as if I’m gay or not, to be honest I have a somewhat attraction towards men but I think it’s similar to certain woman’s attraction to other women. Yes I might find a guy attractive and my inner thoughts would make me think about sexual moments with him but I even then I knew deep down inside that I would never actually want to have sex with another man, I always have respected myself as a man enough to where anytime I feel like a man is coming onto me or if a guy is looking at me with an eye of attraction I do tend to back off and not really find it pleasing. I think it’s just I should start exploring more, there are some females and males who I do get sexually attracted and I’m just going to be more confident in myself and take control of my body when in sexual situations.
Side note: I don’t think I should call myself “bisexual” just based off the fact that I don’t think I’m sexually attracted to men enough to even classify myself as that. Yes I do find some men attractive and I probably would have a little fun, that’s all but I can’t see myself actually having sex with a man or dating one. I’d admit, once I finally did explore that side of me, I didn’t like it. I couldn’t believe that I just did that with a man, that didn’t make me feel comfortable. When I have sexual encounters with women I don’t feel ashamed of doing it, it’s more so I don’t feel like I can do it just because of the self doubt.
What I can tell myself though and for the readers who can relate to me, just live freely and don’t be ashamed of liking what you like no matter what people in your life say. Don’t listen to others or even your inner thoughts, fight through it and just live in the present and not your past.