For months I’ve been having no issues. Pretty much could get hard and go as long as I want on demand.
For the last couple days I’ve been getting hard and excited and then, as soon as penetration is about to start, I lose my erection.
I honestly don’t even want to exist right now. I’m trying to play it off for my girl like I’m just stressed right now, but like, I just want to disappear. I feel like I am nothing. Completely and utterly worthless.
#1) been there and gotten through it. You aren’t nothing because you can’t stay hard.
#2) tell her it’s just a little performance anxiety and try doing 69. Like both pleasuring each other at the same time without thought of penetration. For some reason by going down on her and her mouth on you at the same time it’s easier to stay more present. Just have fun there and don’t think about needing to penetrate.
#3) then just say you want to focus on her and let her cum without needing too, but possibly head to finish for you if she wants to take on the challenge.
Turns it into more fun and less stress
I agree with everything the person before me said. When I feel performance anxiety I ask my partner if I can focus on them as well. That helps me ground myself and take the thinking away from myself. It’s okay if there’s no penetration.
You are not worthless just because you can’t stay hard right now. You definitely have so much to offer sexually, as you explore other things outside of penetrative sex more you’ll feel your confidence come back. This doesn’t define your value as a partner!
I’ve been just focusing on her and getting her off in other ways, but I can tell she’s disappointed. I just don’t want to exist at all right now. I don’t feel like there’s any point in keeping going.
You’ve had no issues until recently. What’s changed? Really take stock. Be honest. Maybe it’s not just an excuse to play it off in terms of you telling your girlfriend you’re just stressed. Maybe there is something going on. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Get the help you need.
Communicate with your partner. And re-frame sex outside of hetero-normative ideas that centers around penetration. Good sex doesn’t have to have any penetration. Just kiss and play. Give her pleasure, and surrender to allowing her to please you, even if it doesn’t lead to cumming. Be vocal about the pleasure she’s giving to you, lean into the pleasurable sensations more so than in noticing when you lose some hardness. When we notice we’re less hard we can get scared and frustrated, but resist this. Stay open and relaxed, comfortable with the normal ebb and flow of arousal in sex.
I do understand the sense of worthlessness you’re feeling, but as difficult as it might be, remember that it doesn’t rule you. It is so easy for us to think that we are only as good at sex as our last performance, but it’s just not the case. We have our lives ahead of us and we are more than a period of uncertainty in the bedroom.
It can be so debilitating emotionally when we feel we have underperformed, and being open about it with your partner can really help. When I spoke to my partner about being in my head a bit, they saw it as an opportunity to support me and reassure me. I told them it wasn’t them, that I was struggling with performance anxiety, and this made me feel safer.
This app does work. I’ve used it before and it gave me some techniques to help train my brain around things a bit. It gave me a confidence I didn’t think I could muster. Persist with it.
And finally, it sounds like you’ve been in a dark place about this. Talk to someone you trust, or to a doctor if you are feeling really low. You deserve to feel better, and while this can all make you feel utterly worthless, you are worthy of feeling confident and happy. Talk to someone - doesn’t have to be about sex or your erection issues, could just be about how you’re feeling low.