How’s everyone doing with the Sensate stuff?

I wanted to see how guys are making out with the sensate exercises? My wife and I did one and the no talking thing was a little weird and I think we were more in our heads without talking then we would be if we were talking a bit. 20 minutes is a lot of time to kill just touching your partner in silence, felt a little weird.

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I’ve just tried it on my own so far. I think doing this with my partner would be really good thing to do, but just thinking about that I can feel the discomfort arising for me. But I think the fact that it feels weird is the point - It suggests we’re not truly comfortable and present in the moment with our partners and we need to try and get more comfortable together for good sex ( and relationships etc). So I intend to broach this with her once I can comfortable doing it for myself.

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Yeah man luckily my wife is super cool with everything. I wasn’t anxious or anything it just felt weird laying there in silence as she touched me all over for 20 minutes I think she started to run out of stuff to do and I don’t blame her haha.

Anyways I’ll keep at it with her and see how it goes, btw don’t be anxious about asking your wife! The whole goal is better sex for everyone so even if it’s uncomfortable I’m sure she will appreciate you’re trying to improve your sex life!

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Thanks !

If you can’t touch each other for a while without discomfort then you are probably uncomfortable with yourself and your sexuality (not implying you are unsure of your sexuality, just that you are not comfortable being sexual). There’s nothing wrong with that, and 95% of men are that way. Sex is a learned skill. Not just the technical aspects, but the emotional aspects as well.

You don’t have to do it for 20 minutes, it could be 5 or 10, and in fact it will probably feel less forced if you do it for a shorter period of time. Definitely don’t be setting a timer or even looking at the clock, that’s the least sexy thing in the world. That’s communicating to her that you can’t be dynamic and adjust, you have to follow an exercise from an app to the T. That’s not how sex works. At least not for women. They might put up with it because they love you, but that’s not the way they want it to happen. Also as much as I advocate for healthy communication, this is the kind of thing that you should just initiate without verbalizing. By doing that you’re already communicating to her non-verbally that you want to try something different. I understand that may feel awkward because you perhaps have been together for a long time and have never done stuff like this, and now all of sudden you want to do it, but the best answer is to tell her that you want to feel more connected to her when she inevitably interrogates you on why you’re doing it. “Charles, what’s gotten into you?!?” grinning ear to ear Anyway I’m ranting and I know you already discussed the app with her.

You should really be doing stuff like this frequently anyway. Men see this as an “exercise” but it’s not meant to be like that. You should be interweaving this kind of play with sex and sexual interaction regularly. And this becomes SOO much easier when you spend time studying massage. There are programs that are meant for couples that combine clinical massage techniques and anatomy knowledge with pair-bonding techniques for lovers. There are a lot of lines that they are able to cross that a clinical massage course or class would never. 99% of women never get this level of interaction and connection because most men aren’t masseuses and don’t care to study it and if they go to a masseuse there are firm boundaries in place. There are so many massage positions and techniques that are unlocked when there are no boundaries. And basically the only women who can ever get that kind of treatment are women who happen to end up dating a massage therapist.

I think you’re putting too much pressure on this to work when you are rigid about “doing the exercise.” And that might be the main reason you both felt weird about it. Then you will end up lying there next to each other thinking “ok that was bad advice, this app sucks, maybe we need to try something else.” Sex cannot be ridged and scheduled, which is why so many couples struggle with it. And if you’re waiting until you’re in bed at night with the lights out to start touching each other, you’re shooting yourself in the face (not even just in the foot). Don’t think of it as “foreplay,” think of it as sex. You’re having sex when you whisper something sexual in her ear in the kitchen, or when you lift her skirt and spank her over the balcony and then lean her over the railing and kiss her while you hold her from falling, or when you hold the back of her neck and stare into her eyes and kiss her forehead. That is sex. It’s not intercourse, but it is sex. It’s part of the mating process. The idea of “foreplay” has handicapped so many men because they think it’s this thing that women need and men don’t and it’s just a chore you have to do to get inside the pussy. While you may not need foreplay to get turned on like she does, you will get a whole lot MORE turned on when you do it. Which is very relevant when you’re having ED issues (depending upon what your ED is caused by). You have to intertwine it with your whole day together. When sex starts in the bedroom, the marriage usually fails, or at the very least the woman becomes fridged and nags you to do chores all day long. Women who are completely sexually satisfied don’t cause drama. 95% of drama women cause is because they’re feeling emotionally disconnected, sexually unsatisfied, and unsafe around their partner (not in a physical way, but in an emotional way). They often don’t know how to articulate it so they blame it on material things, like the fact that you haven’t taken out the trash, or hung the picture she wanted on the wall. It seems ridiculous that she could be so angry about stupid things like that but she’s not angry about those things, she’s angry at you because she doesn’t feel like you’re emotionally connecting and it makes her think she deserves someone better, which makes her resentment you for not being the man she thinks she deserves. Women don’t necessarily realize this in the moment though, so they say “it’s not just the trash, it’s the messy garage, and the unmoved lawn too.” But it’s not, it’s the lack of attention she’s getting. Unless she’s just a really anxious person to begin with.

So grab her and bend her over the kitchen counter when the kids are at school, and she will love you for it, because all women are secretly hoping for stuff like that, no matter how much of a “good girl” they are. No matter whether they’re the mother of your children, in fact that’s when they want it most because they want the father of their children to be the man they desire sexually. Start surprising her with everything you do and she will love you for it.

Also if you’re watching porn you’re basically signing a death warrant for your marriage because your wife will never hold a candle to it. Even if she’s hotter than all of the porn stars, she can’t be 1,000 different girls at once like porn can be, and once you train yourself to get off with that, the real thing doesn’t come close.

Ok, end rant, sorry I know I went off topic I was feeling in the mood.

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Also read erotic novels if you’re down for it. You will get sooo many ideas and you’ll see that the average woman is 1000x kinkier than men could ever be (yes, even your wonderful wife who is “not like that”). Ask her what she fantasizes about. You’d be surprised the answers you’ll get.

Read stuff like My Secret Garden, which is a compilation of upper class suburban housewive’s anonymous fantasies, or read David Shade’s books.

Also study hypnosis. Mark Cunningham is the best guy out there. This stuff becomes so much easier when you get her subconscious to associate your voice with her orgasms. And the more turned on she is the more turned on you will be (again the relevance of that depends on what your ED is caused by)

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Also the more dynamic and mindful you are with smaller touch stuff, the more you will be with intercourse. Women can tell the day you meet them just by holding your hand how good of a lover you will be. How mindful, dynamic, and adaptable you are, and how much you pay attention to delicate sensations. It’s glaringly obvious to most women, without even kissing.

Wow what an in depth response appreciate the time man!

Not everything you spoke to applies to us but I have some points!

  • Yeah we were just trying to following the senate directions in the app but it did seem a little rigid so I think I like your idea of not actually setting a timer and maybe just doing it until it feels right. Good advice!

-We aren’t doing the senate stuff necessarily as a sex exercise it’s more of a mindfulness thing she is trying to help me with my problems with premature ejaculation we both realize the goal is to have better sex ultimately. I’m not trying to blow her mind intimately while working through it for right now we are using these tools to get to that point where things are less stressful and anxiety inducing and more fun. To hopefully blow her mind down the road.

-Honestly we are pretty good about the day to day touch and passion we are fairly affectionate and she doesn’t nag me like you were speaking about. We are pretty open and honest about our wants/needs/limits sexually. She definitely wants more dominance I guess I would call it but my problem is with premature ejaculation so it’s hard to assert dominance when you are constantly holding back the urge to cum which is why I’m working on it.

-the issue is a well known thing in our relationship so not verbalizing that it’s something we are working through together would be kind of like not addressing the elephant in the room, I think we both feel better actively communicating about it.

  • I absolutely love foreplay it has been my saving grace since I’ve had PE my whole life but sometimes we just want to have sex and the foreplay routine was getting a little to “routine” and she was saying she feels more connected with PIV so trying to improve that part of my “game”

-we don’t have time for massage courses we have a 2 year old with one on the way but we do regularly give each other massages with candles and music and shit and that’s nice.

-I am definitely putting myself under some pressure for these exercises to “work” that’s part of the mindfulness stuff I’m trying to work through you make a good point there.

-we kind of do have to schedule our intimacy a bit since we have a young kid with one on the way I’m not sure if you have kids but it makes those spontaneous sexual encounters few and far between haha can’t exactly bend her over the kitchen table with paw patrol on in the background, a full diaper smelling up the joint and spit up all over our shoulders. :smiley: when the kids are at school we are at work haha so while that sounds great it’s not practical.

  • I would disagree that women who are completely sexually satisfied don’t cause drama I think that’s is a massive over generalization. I know plenty of couples who had a great sex life but it fell apart because that’s all they had. I do agree that emotional disconnection is an issue that can be exasperated by poor intimacy though.

  • totally agree on the women wanting more kinky stuff then they let on and that’s something we have talked about.

You seem to be a wealth of knowledge though any advice specifically related to controlling premature ejaculation? Thats why we are working on the senate stuff to try to calm me down a bit when we have sex. I have no problem getting hard as a rock but I’m very overwhelmed quickly when we get into it.

Thanks again for your detailed response! Lots of good advice there!

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I have recently tried when I am caressing my partner to just focus on the details of her - even just lightly stroking her hands and fingers there’s lots to feel - shapes, bones, textures, temperature etc etc - it’s interesting and I guess basically sensate work without the timer. I think she is more open with me already…