Help with sex trauma and over stimulations

So when i was young there was sex trauma in my family not myself, but my siblings, but i did accidently witness these traumas as a child.
I was always a over horny kid who started masturbating at 10 to porn novels, then found porn etc would always feel guilty after.
come to the first time with a woman, limp couldnt get hard extremely turned on but failed, next time no problems dated for a year no softies. fast forward to my 20s, i meet someone new have the same issues, but we work past it, she would perform oral everytime so never had a issue, fast forward again 10 years of the same cycle with the same person. i used to masterbate in the morning and when i got home from work, twice a day, and sex became once a month but no issues getting hard.
Wife left me for another man… now have multiple partners after separation, always soft now with each new partner, but the closer i got with someone the more i was able to preform.
eventually began a relationship again with a great woman but occasionally like say valentines i get to over hyped to preform and end up limp.
I fear it is the trauma from my childhood, mixed with the trauma of wife leaving me for another man, I fear its destined to repeat. and talking about it with you all may help me put that all in the past.
We have had discussions and sometimes we go months without any issues.
But then we had a fight, she was going to leave me. my blood pressure is already high and i was through the roof with anxiety. we have reconcilled had sex once since no issues, attempted twice after and low and behold i have no control, i want it but i cant turn off my brain that if i dont succeed she will leave me. it becomes more like cmon cmon get hard oh no nothing.
Or im trying to fantasize but i just cant pin down anything that works anymore.
im hoping it was because i was depressed in self destruct mode, and even after we reconciled she would still take shots about the fight (rightfully so i was way wrong)
it would cause me to panic only to get home for her to be fine and then want sex, and of course i have to say yes because if i say no she may feel rejected.
its such a terrible snowball effect, it almost seems like it would never stop.

now i am constantly trying to get hard and make sure it works, and even then its a struggle
maybe because my anxiety was high? maybe it will take time to get back to normal? but is it enough time??