This happened to me recently, which isn’t the first time at all. I was having sex with a girl for the second time (first time was great but plenty of time to worry in-between). At first it was great and everything went fine but as she was staying the whole weekend there were plenty of opportunities for things to go wrong. Gradually as the weekend went on I began to struggle to keep and then to get an erection. We had 2-3 occasions where this happened. It was caused of course by over-thinking, and worrying about if the issue would come back - which it did, then once it does it gets much worse because it feels like there is lots of pressure on it and you are consciously thinking about it all the time. In the end we did have sex successfully on the last morning, which was a great relief. I put this down to it just being very low pressure and intimate and calm. Obviously when this happens the spirals start, things like: if this keeps happening over and over, how will I ever be able to get into a relationship? Since what girl is going to want to stay (however nice they may be about it) in a relationship where there isn’t sex? She’d probably be understanding for a while but eventually, whether unconsciously or consciously aware of this being the issue, she’d peel away. What about having children? It sounds silly but lots of my friends have just had children / are getting pregnant, obviously their erections ‘work’. What would a girl think about this issue with me? Surely it would play on their mind in some way.What bothers me a lot I think is the disappointment I imagine it confers on the girl I’m having sex with, they get all excited and ready during foreplay then just…flop. It all comes to a horrible, miserable halt. They engage completely with the whole process, then get left with nothing for it. Its the build-up of pressure in part that does it, and the knowledge it will take time for them to get in the ‘zone’ again next time…with no guarantee of getting anything for it. In other words it feels like it must be a real drag for them - I feel very conscious of repeatedly getting them excited then disappointed. Also spirals, things like: well suppose you want to go for a nice weekend away somewhere, Paris say, then that’s all great…except it comes to sex, and oh it happens again. Sex is ruined and the whole weekend is kind of tainted. Its like it inhibits you doing and planning exciting stuff - because there’s this worry in the back of your mind: what if it happens again and ruins the Big Trip etc? It really mars thinking what otherwise would be fun stuff to do / plan.And the thought process of: am I gay? Surely I would know by now but I don’t know how else to explain this recurring issue. Maybe I’m not ‘really’ interested in girls after all (I am pretty certain it is not this).Of course I also find myself thinking: is there some kind of diet, vitamins, exercise of something I should be getting more of that would help? Cold water swimming (good for circulation)? Cardio exercise? All things to just aid the physical likelihood of getting hard. I’ve gotten into the habit now of not masturbating for quite a few days before a date / weekend, because I figure it’ll increase the chances I can get and keep it up. If I reflect on it this issue has always been with me, coming and going at different times. From the very first time I had sex to just the other weekend. I remember the times when it ‘goes wrong’ but of course there are a great many times when it didn’t.
Yes
It happened for the first time quite recently. That’s what made me more anxious the next time. And I want to get hold of myself before the seed grows in my mind.
Yes, I put a lot of pressure on myself to have sex at any time and like a god. If I don’t live to those expectations, I worry and worry and feel like a disappointment, further feeding into that vicious cycle. If there is no open communication and trust with your partner, you fear that you will disappoint them and that they will hold it against you when that’s typically not the case (assuming your partner is a good, decent person at heart).
When I am with someone for the first time I have a hard time getting it up. Usually the next times are ok. I am struggling with one woman right now, I have had a difficulties a few times and I’m not sure if I’m just not attracted to her or, is it because of the stress I am under, or is it anxiety in the bedroom.
I would chalk it up to stress (my wife died, and I’m raising our two kids) but previous to my marriage I would have issues sometimes too so I know its a bit more than that. We had a good sex life.
What bothers me the most, is that I want to have sex with the woman in my bed, but my penis just doesn’t get the message and the frustration and embarresment I feel is terrible, bad enough to make me consider avoiding it.
So, my ED is not always consistent and I would like to help myself with this to get it better before it gets worse! I’m comfortable with how I perform in bed, aslong as I get hard.
Feeling anxious about sex is almost the only element I can reliably predict
I tried to have sex for the first time in the wrong place with the wrong person, and when it didn’t work, it caused anxiety that it would happen again, which became a self-fulfilling issue.
It’s becoming more and more frequent these days. theres always the thought in the back of my mind “Is it going to work” It’s getting to the point where I don’t even want to have sex because the feeling afterwards for both myself and my wife is horrible. It’s the most in masculine thing I’ve ever experienced. My wife is great and very understanding by I know she is self conscious of her body at times and this definitely doesn’t help.
With the way things right now im talking myself into situations where by I can make make it happen but because of the difficulties right now, I cant actually go through with because I can not guarantee that I will be ready for when it comes… some might be okay with but depending on the person and with the way people are these days there’s likely to be a bit of ridicule so I’d rather not, than get to the that situation and fail because I am not able to be ready for it
Yes, after experiencing not being able to get hard for the first time with a new partner, I now get anxious every time I have sex for the first time with a new partner.
yes I have a lot of anxiety about getting an erection. If I fail it just seems to make it worse and affects me days after. Im hoping the Mojo community will help me learn and deal with this anxieties and that I will become more successful in bed.
Same here. Condoms are the erection graveyard for me. As soon as I look or think about my erection, I go soft.
It’s been awhile since you posted this- have you found this program/community to be helpful? What worked for you if you don’t mind sharing?
A lot of what you say here resonates big time. Mine is also very inconsistent and I struggle with determining how much of it is (a) attraction to my partner, (b) anxiety about trailing again, (c) anxiety about other things.
Hope Mojo helps answer a lot of these questions.
I do get anxious during sex. It’s been getting a bit better
Yes , I cum to quick or I can’t keep an erection.
My lover said don’t call me cute. Now I hesitate about it
I at time get very anxious before sex. Heart beat speeds up, breathing changes. Once this happens, I begin doubting myself, and a erection is impossible.
No i didnt
Yes. Effects me negatively, which makes me more anxious and fearful.
No erection/unable to get fully hard