I (26m) went through a really rough breakup about 6 months ago, 5 year relationship ended randomly, completely blind sided me. My first opportunity to have sex with a new woman ended in me completely soft and losing every shred of confidence in me. This woman ripped me for not being able to get hard (yeah she was a shitty person) even tho I communicated and tried my best to explain it wasn’t her
Fast forward 3 months and I’ve been talking to a new girl I really like, insane chemistry, she’s exactly my type and I’m terrified it’s gonna happen again. 3rd date and we get down to it, I’m putting on a foreplay show, when she reaches down and feels I’m not hard. She pulls away from my penis embarrassed. I explained to her it happens with new people sometimes and when I’m drunk, that it works just fine but it might take a minute (I had no clue if it would but I said it with confidence anyways)
She smiled and started giving me head, and it still wasn’t responding. It felt good but I was just thinking to myself “get hard please why am I not hard” and my heart was pounding. Then I locked in. I shut off my mind and focused on every sensation, while I took deep diaphragmatic breaths. I took my own hand and jerked off as I played with her and kissed her, which was a total turn on for her. I focused on alternating between reverse kegels/kegels and before long, boom, I’m hard, and we had incredible sex. I even started to lose it a couple time during sex and once again just hit the reverse kegel/kegel and was able to get it right back. She finished 3 times and was genuinely blown away, did not care at all about the 5 minute jump start at the beginning.
We’ve since had sex 3 more times in the last week, and while I haven’t been rock hard the whole time every time, I’ve blown her mind every time which has given me such an insane confidence boost I feel like a new man. She literally finished 5 times last night (with a lot of calculated effort on my end of course)
Biggest thing I can say is when you get down to it and you’re not hard, don’t give up. Be confident and communicate, you don’t have to sound ashamed. Do what you have to do to get hard, do anything you can. Focus on yourself, use your hand if you have to while you play with her. Kegel, reverse kegel, find whatever works for you to manually jumpstart yourself. Because it’s so damn worth it when you get a win. I feel like LeBron, I feel like I just came back down 3-1 and won the damn chip.
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Good job buddy! I’m also 26 and I’ve been through that not getting hard shame, it’s the worst, but I’m confident that I’ll bet that stupid voice in my head and perform better at sex
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You’ve got it brother I believe in you!
That’s awesome to hear! I’m struggling right to now so great to hear some success stories!
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Great comeback man, that is really inspiring I must say. My question is, where you in your head during the foreplay and is that why you did not get hard in the first place you think?
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Nice work brother!!!
I’m 54 and same issues. (Even the blindside breakup -married 24 yrs…
).
My same advice- be calm. Confident and focus on her. I’ve watched a lot of porn over the years and I imagine a hot scene or simply the actual hottie laying in front of me that only wants to please me.
I’ve also got pretty good at oral/fingers which she loves. Even if my dick isn’t cooperating, I’m still able to get her off multiple times.
Either way, we’re a sticky mess and end up falling asleep in each others arms.
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That’s awesome man, glad you’ve found some similar results with focusing on the woman to get out of your head. Sounds like you’ve got a good woman/women to just enjoy your efforts and not be upset. Sorry the blindside breakup as well - I know my own combined with my inability to get hard had me depressed and questioning my own manhood for months.
Happy to report I just went and saw my new woman on her lunch break. Had no intention of having sex. But with my newfound confidence I think I’m just making it happen somehow, because before long we were going at it on her couch and I was iron hard. She can finish from piv easily and is multi orgasmic so I just try and hit her in all the right places and never got a second think about my own dick.
Hottest sex I’ve had in a long time, beats anything I ever had with my ex. Can’t even believe the turnaround I’ve had. Cheers brother.
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I think historically (I’ve had this issue in the past before my ex) that’s definitely where it starts. I’ll begin foreplay feeling turned on, start getting hard. But if it lasts too long and I start to notice my erection subsiding, now I’m totally in my head. That’s gotta be the toughest place to be because now I’m no longer enjoying the hot foreplay, I’m just waiting for her to notice I’m not even hard.
I think thats where the communication part comes into play. It’s easy to be in your head if it’s like you’re trying to hide some secret - put it out there confidently - then work with your partner to do what you know works to get you going. That’s been really beneficial for me.
Best of luck brother
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Oh man that’s great hear!!!
Mines been staying with her mom who broke her leg for a month. She came down for baseball opening day and we spent the night together.
Same- hottest sex ever!
Moving in the right direction!!! I’ve had more sex in the last 7 months than in the last 17 years!!!