So I was able to get it up this morning but then couldn’t come and eventually lost the erection. Got into my head and
I was tired and also anxious about work pressure.
We also had sex (very successfully) last night.
The missus almost immediately responded very badly, saying I’m not attracted to her, that I have better erections watching porn with her than when we have sex, that I need to be honest if I don’t find her attractive, etc. pretty much blaming me for my ED.
I’ve quit porn (except watching it with her occasionally) for about 4 weeks now. I’ve found the time off it helpful tbh.
Reactions like this make a very awkward and vulnerable situation like 10 times worse.
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These things happen and it is important for you not to lose perspective of the bigger picture. You were still able to have sex successfully (in your own words).
Do not let this get into your head! Try to relax and this will be forgotten by the time you have sex next time. See how you can work upon the stress buildup from work and this allow you to better relax.
Next time you finish sex with the missus and you find her in a good mood, you can consider having an open chat with her about her reaction made you feel more vulnerable. Atleast this will be off your chest and who knows, she might support you better next time and you’ll feel more empowered. As I’ve learnt myself, it’s not good to shy away from difficult conversations.
Let us know how you get on! We’re rooting for you brother 
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I had an ex wife like this. I feel what your going through and it sucks. Your trying your best to live up to expectations. I think that this is more about her than you though. Because you were having sex successfully, got a bit soft, which is normal according to the professionals on here this than triggered her insecurity. It became no longer about sex but validating her. Im not saying shes a bad person but I dont think your in the wrong here tbh.
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I agree with the previous comment, you need to have a chat with your missus and let her know about the anxiety and self critic. You’re going to need both of you to work through this, so taking the time to let her know how she can help, and how comments can feed the self critic are essential.
She’s probably in her own head as well, so having a chat and being honest will probably help her with her own self critic.