Hey bro,
I also have this issue and don’t understand why.
I love looking at women all day. I’m constantly sexualizing them. But when it comes to me and my girl I’m dating, or in past girls, I find them less attractive. It’s more like let’s do it and be done.
Maybe porn and unrealistic expectations fried me. I quit it for 4 mos, relapsed a week, and now quit for 5 days. I don’t see myself going back to it as I feel like there’s too much stimulation and it’s not physical.
Try that, ask why you look at porn or IG models. That’s porn too it’s just accepted now.
Start reconnecting with a girl. Feeling, take it slow, touching.
I haven’t had sober sex yet truthfully. I’m 35. It’s shameful to me.
Always 4-5 drinks in me at least.
But I don’t want to destroy myself with pills, alcohol for a completely natural desire.
Jerking off, getting hard alone is fine. My imagination is great.
The real thing though scares the fuck out of me. I’m worried I won’t get hard, it happens, and then I’m anxious about it happening.
I want to please my partner, but mainly I think the last step is pleasing ourselves too.
Letting go of having to get hard, having penetrative sex, and talking about it will probably work. Expressing desire towards women in public and private will work. Leading them and saying what we like, any issues we’re having, will probably work.
I’m going to trust in the girl to help me. On my own, it’s a game where I’ll just go back to jerking off. Because I’m not worried about getting someone else off, just myself, I relax and it happens. Rock hard.l!
But now that I want it to happen with a girl to share the experience, my body shuts down. I feel frozen, numb when it’s time to perform. My body and blood is like rushed into my brain, and I’m panicking. That’s no recipe for a boner.
I get excited about porn. I don’t get excited about fucking a real girl, unless I’m drunk. Why? Maybe because she’ll judge me. Or maybe it’s the past telling me she’s a threat.
But in reality it is sex. It’s so carnal and natural. It doesn’t hurt, it feels great! It’s been turned into a stressful experience, when it’s really stress releasing.
I’ll check in if any tips work. I’m having a date tonight, and I’m super anxious it’ll happen again. And it does when I worry.
So I’ll just relax and if it happens, it happens. Maybe we take it slow and get off other ways. Reducing the pressure and expectations can help.
The girl will not leave you for ed issues. They can be worked through.
The cause or insecurity if left untreated will create conflict.
The cause for me is rejection. I’m afraid the girl will get bored and leave me if I don’t perform. It’s abandonement and constant feeling the need to be perfect as a kid. Or my moms wouldn’t pay attention to me.
Not saying I want to have sex with my moms. But that pattern or women pleasing and constantly worrying if I’m doing the right thing, to avoid being left, has led me to be someone I’m not.
I can be myself around guys. But women I felt like haven’t accepted me since birth or before.
All signs point to they like me, but subconscious I feel that rejection is coming. So I either avoid, reject myself, or cope with that pain. I don’t want to be rejected.
That has led to a whole framework of women pleasing, guessing what to say, avoiding feelings, being indirect, laughing when I’m nervous, etc around them.
If I express things that bother me, they won’t listen and will leave me.
But that’s just a pattern of abuse from childhood. Them rejecting me had everything to do with them.
They didn’t feel like good mothers. Couldn’t love me as they didn’t love themself. Therapy type shit.
That gets projected onto a kid as you’re not good enough for me to accept you. All I wanted as a child was for them to say I love you and accept you no matter what. The worst fuckup you can do, I will be there. Not just in your proud moments, but also moments of weakness and pain.
They were not, and I navigated life on my own.
I share this as healing for myself. And to realize that the girls I see now, are not out to invalidate me.
They do not care if you can’t get hard bro. Sure it might be an issue if you avoid talking about it. We all want sex. But women are to be trusted.
You and I have the understanding now that our last and our past were just that. It’s gone now and those women cannot hurt us anymore.
But we need to stop hurting ourselves and holding onto the pain. Let it go, forgiveness is for us. Let’s see what comes of that.
It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, didn’t have positive memories, or that we’re ungrateful. Shameful people.
It means that we had a core wounding of feeling uncared for during down times. And that we abandoned ourselves to get conditional love. Now we try to fix ourselves in adulthood without acknowledging that abandonement. The child wound get unresolved-we smoke, drink, take pills, avoid, self harm, and self pity.
I’m changing to self love, going through it, expression, openness, and enjoying my time with myself and when with women.
The chips will fall where they can. But I no longer need my moms or anyone’s approval really to live. They cannot threaten me with leaving me, sending me to live somewhere else, silent treatments, conditional love when it looks good in public and when they need something.
I don’t need that program running my sex life either. I want to choose people that I like and connect with. I love abundance and women-why would I be afraid because I had 2 bad fruits in a pack of millions?
When I look at it that way, I can forgive my moms and realize the girls after them, and forgive them too. It’s a pattern they got from their childhoods, and it just played out.
Now, being authentic means that the people for us, will be with us. And sex will happen for us bro. It’s just the symptom, nothing is wrong with us at the cause. Let the cause go whatever it is for you. For me, it’s abandoning myself when around women to be liked by them. The fear is I’ll be rejected, and end up alone. The outcome with that is I do end up rejected and alone, but only because that’s what happens when you’re not yourself.
People can see it, women too, and know that.
Don’t be afraid to admit that you abandoned yourself for likes. That you weren’t “man enough”. I’m admitting that’s how I felt as a kid. And that conditioning plays out now.
How to resolve it? I think it’s loving myself through it. And realizing any actions and words from now on, come from a place of understanding and respect. I actually respect myself back then for how I handled my moms. That little guy had no clue about trauma or these terms, and he fought/his/did his best.
He’s just doing now what he did back then. Fighting:hiding:and doing his best.
I let him know that I’m not angry at him. I feel the pain and sadness and grief. And it’s allowed to come to the surface and be let go.
I got him now. I trust him and love how he handled it.
Going forward, we relax and enjoy women. Because that’s who we are. Any criticism or perceived rejection/disagreement is not to be met with fight/flight or other unhealthy coping. It can be met with compassion and curiosity.
Because the wound is healed for me. I’m excited for my life including women who are there for me and support me.
————this turned into a rant and journal. But it’s ok, just a comments section lol. I hope it helps you and others if you read this far. I’m very grateful for communities like this that allow me to get to the root of and heal very deep wounds. ED for me is just a symptom of something psychological you’ve been avoiding. We’ve all been avoiding.