Alright, gentlemen,
Here we go. Probably all of us have gone through our hedonic phase of fucking everything with two brain cells and a vagina, or at least tried to, or at least have wanted to! But maybe those experiences weren’t fulfilling. Maybe they took their toll on our confidence. Or maybe we’re just a little bit bored with the chase or lack thereof. Whatever the issue… you have got to communicate, man!! Learn to the language necessary to express your needs, wants, and desires to your partner.
I suffered from deep mistrust in women from years of buddies getting cheated on while working on the road, guys on deployment coming home to pregnant wife’s and empty homes, my psychotic mother divorced my loving father in my twenties. I was lied to and misled and rejected by enough women who I thought I loved. All of that… sucked. By the age of 28, my heart was closed for business. Could not be bothered by women, I thought I’d die alone with a nose full of cocaine and Thai woman giving me a blow job. But that coldness expanded. It manifested into self hate and negativity in all aspects of life.
I couldn’t let love out, or in. I found rock bottom in different ways i dont care to share.
Thankfully, through the grace of God, I found love again. I quit drinking. I quit nicotine. I quit self dedicating. I started believing in a reason why I’m here. And a partnership is part of that reason. So I worked on myself for 4 years. Made myself the best possible version… updated the software. That drive, that improvement, that self-love, attracted the girl of my dreams. I fell in love with her on our 1st date. But admittance to my insecurities was difficult. I wanted to be attracting and bold and strong at all times for her. But my inner critic crept out of the shadows again. Told me I didn’t deserve this, that she had had better, that I was a chump. Only a couple months into our sex life I was loosing my edge. I was full of self doubt and self hate again. I didn’t trust her. I analyzed every subtle move as an indicator of her inevitable infidelity. Finally, after the 2nd night of zero sleep… in HER bed no less, she got the truth out of me. I was so embarrassed to admit that I felt inadequate, behind in life, and ashamed of my past unattractive habits and lifestyles.
What happened next cured it all. She told me none of that stuff mattered to her. That she loved the man she saw in front of her today. Through this moment of vulnerability, I let love into my heart I had never experienced before, and it lifted me up so high I was euphoric for days. Just those simple words and my allowance to let them in made all the difference. I’m now more motivated to be the best man possible for that woman.
So I guess what I’m saying is, be honest… with yourself, with your partner, and with God. You’re not perfect. You never will be. You’re not supposed to be. Find the people who love you and love them back. But start with yourself.
Thanks for sharing all this man. I’m sure the road hasn’t been easy, but I’m also learning about vulnerability and it seems to be the only way. I been going through it lately, and when I finally was forced to let my guard down, because I was in a dark desperate place, a lot of people showed me they cared (way way more than I thought). the thought that someone could love me and care for me and put down what they’re doing to be with me in a dire time made me cry more than I could imagine. Stay strong.
That is awesome man! I have been doing the same thing with the lady I’m with. And astonishingly, it gets met with grace and acceptance rather than disgust and disinterest like the stories we tell ourselves.
You have found a real woman who is interested in you, your healing, and growth. I’m hoping to do the same. I have found honesty to be the best way. It’s who I am, and if it doesn’t work for the other person, so be it. They’re not my person then.
Man I have to be honest, as I was reading through the second paragraph I was like whoa, this is starting to get a little misogynistic. And then you did a total 180 I did not see coming and that I hugely respect. It’s great that you found a good partner you could trust, and amazing that your trust in her helped you be honest nd vulnerable in a way that led to a totally new higher level of confidence. That’s a lesson all of us can benefit from. Thanks for sharing your story.