Reflecting on my porn use

I’ve started this app 2 days ago, and today got the video about when porn is a problem. I’ve long since noticed shame in my usage habits and tried to quit many times before. I still think it is a problem for me, but I struggle sometimes to apply the material, because I feel my routine is abnormal.

My primary form of use are erotic games I download and play online. I’ve never really responded well to things like magazines or videos, yet the games themselves often contain images or short clips, so it feels close. The games are often themed around fetishes, and when I masturbate after I am done, those same fetishes become fantasies I’m thinking about.

I guess where I struggle to believe that I haven’t hijacked my mind is that because they are games, a session for me can take a lot of time. Anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours is not abnormal to me, just playing the game. I havr gone as long as a few hours times before (for clarity, i only do this when I have appropriate time, i have never allowed my usage to stop me from completing obligations) When I am done playing the game, I typically go to another room to masturbate, so the act itself can be another 10 or 20 minutes after the playtime. It is difficult for me to believe this is realistic to transfer to a sexual scenario with my partner (I am married and my partner rarely rebukes spontaneous sex, I am often too anxious to actually initiate)

At the same time, this habit is all the sexual expression I’ve known, and I feel defensive of it despite understanding it isn’t healthy for me. I struggle to reconcile these aspects. I’m not sure what I’m even looking for from others, but I know if I don’t explore this, it will not change.

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