Performance anxiety and crippling fantasy addiction

I’m 31 and have been dealing with performance anxiety and ED ever since I first started having sex in my late teens so many many years. I’ve been in my current relationship for 8 years and still keep coming back to this issue. I absolutely still fancy my gf like crazy (more than before actually thanks to a renenewed libido) , when she’s not physically there nothing turns me on as much as fantasising about her and I get rock hard but almost always get in my head too much during foreplay. Found out I had low testosterone last year which might explain a few things - like having no libido for most of my life even in my teens- so have been on TRT for just over a year and it’s helped physically but the mental PA is still there. One of the main reasons I’ve realised is that I’m cripplingly addicted to a specific fantasy (only porn that used to get me rock hard in a split second, before I stopped watching porn) but it’s a very unrealistic one and even dangerous for my partner in the long run so would never tell her about it which is fine. But the worst part is that I feel like shit whenever I have this fantasy because it would be so bad for my gf. She says she would love to know my fantasies but I can’t tell her. She’s so desperate for sex to work that she’d probably do it but that would be seriously bad for her health and I don’t want that either. So long story short; a lot of guilt going on and sex is something the two of us are already super anxious about and almost try to avoid for the time being but that’s also just making us feel like shit. A lot to unpack here I’m sorry but if anyone’s got any advice on how to proceed that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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Ok let’s address the elephant in the room. What’s the fantasy how bad could it possibly be?

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Agreed, we’re all anonymous here - and you might even have the same fantasy as another man here. I think it’d be good to let it be heard.

Have never told anyone before because I’m scared of being judged, but sure. I have a bit of a fat fetish and the fantasy involves her eating loads and me punishing her for it by fucking her brains out. It also involves her gaining weight but my gf’s already struggling with her weight and has been told by her gp multiple times that she needs to lose weight before it gets too dangerous due to her Type 1 diabetes. Her estimated life expectancy is already cut a bit shorter and it’s a very sensitive subject as you can imagine. Engaging in this fantasy could literally shorten her lifespan even further and I want her to be healthy and be around for as long as possible. If she doesn’t lose weight, becoming pregnant can also be very dangerous because of her diabetes and we’d like to start trying in the next year or two.

Hey thanks for sharing that.

You say you are both already super anxious about sex already. You mean even without discussion this or other fantasy? Is that from past ED issues or more generally feeling mostly sexual guilt/shame etc. or stress or what?

There is incredible social shaming around weight particularly for women so this may be a factor for her as well.

The health risks are real however. So yeah I would agree that no one should be putting their health at risk for a sexual fantasy. I wonder if in time there are other ways to explore that together (assuming she is genuinely willing and healthy physically and mentally and in a position to decide) - costumes or simply pretend.

I think punishment (for whatever “transgression”) fantasy is not uncommon. Acting out any fantasy needs to be carefully done if at all so you can manage it respectfully and safely.