My history with Ed, and why it's hard to talk about, even with others that have ed

Hi. Happy to have found this community and hoping to find some help. My Ed story is pretty unique and specific to me, so I don’t know if anyone will have experience that helps, but here is my story. I am not proud to admit my story involves adultery, which adds a layer of complication to relating my experience. Please save your judgement for other forums. My ex wife knows none of this and she won’t find out as I have no wish to hurt her.

I’m recently separated, almost divorced, and for the past 5 years my marriage and home life have been demoralizing until January of this year when I moved out. We were not sexually active for at least the last 3 years, the reasons for this and my divorce I won’t get into here, but suffice to say I was unhappy in my home and with my partner.

Around 3 years ago I met someone at a business conference and we started what was mostly an emotional affair. She lives in the complete opposite end of the us from me, we could not have been farther within our borders. Our early physical experiences were drunk, rushed, and with the thrill of early cheating.

It is relevant to me too. That while all this was going on, I was diagnosed with very early stage thyroid cancer and had my thyroid removed, which effected me hormonally.

During this time, I had symptoms of Ed in my marriage but thought it was due to my level of dissatisfaction and thought it would go away with another partner.

At one point, after being apart for a year, both us us having a great deal of pent up sexual energy, fantasies for each other, and deep u required affection, we got together and had sex. There was a great deal of pressure to perform. I. Retrospect, her having not been sexually active for the 15 years of her marriage and being used to masterbating. Even with the exhaustion of a long day and a red-eye flight, I had a fantastic erection like a young man. But she didn’t enjoy it, and was very clear and maybe cruel about sexually rejecting me in that moment. In retrospect I think she was unused to the touch and presence of a real man. The following day when we tried again and I experienced acute Ed. I was with a gorgeous naked woman who wanted sex, told me she loved me, and despite the prior days mishap she was ready and willing. Though I was attracted and burning inside for sex with her, my penis was complely flaccid. It had died. I was mortified. It would not come back. I didn’t understant as nothing like that had ever happened to me. I was naked with a gorgeous woman who wanted me and I could give her nothing. I wanted to jump off the balcony. She didn’t understand, thought I wasn’t attracted to her, it was the worst disaster of my life. I went home to my married life and still had no sex, told no one, and it’s been in my head ever since.

When I got home I got to both my doctor’s. My thyroid doc thought it may have been related a recent change in medication dosage and that it would normalize in some time. My primary doctor ran some tests, found my testosterone and hormone levels to be fine, and offerred that it may be psychological but offerred no course of action.

In the following weeks, I regained sleep erections and the ability to masterbate alone.

About a year later with my divorce advancing, I moved and began dating. The first partner I brought home in February was understanding and she gave me a few weeks of trying before she moved on. Towards the end of that I went to Hims and got some sildenafil tablets.

I’ve times the tablets well and had good sex with my current partner, until last week when I forgot to take them, and told her the entire above story. I had thought that the need for pills would eventually go away on its own with her, but it had not yet. I told her everything, including the adultery, and thankfully she has stayed.

I can continue in with pills and good timing about them, but I badly want to be able to leave them behind. I am fit, eat healthy,exercise, and mediate already. I generally don’t feel stress. That doesn’t mean I don’t have stress, as between the above story, my two boys, and my job all would create it in anyone. My only thought is that while I don’t notice it day to day, I must have suppressed psychological stress, particularly with the rejection. It’s hard to manage something you don’t actually notice, and I’m already doing the prescribed activities to reduce stress.

At 44 and with a thyroid condition, I don’t know if it’s reasonable to expect that I’ll get past this, but if anyone has found something to work in a similar situation however unlikely, please speak up. Thanks for having me

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Thanks you so much for sharing. And while everyones experience is unique to them I think there is a lot in there that I (and others) can relate to.

I found it difficult to when there was something physical that I could attribute my problems to that I then didn’t know how much was physical vs psychological. A big thing for me was ruling out the physical element and accepting that if I could get erections on my own then it had to be something psychological I was experiencing in the moment.

It sounds like the first night with this woman in which she wasn’t ready was pivotal for you? It sounds like you recognise you felt some kind of rejection in that moment?

I’m wondering if this was the first time you have described this outside of a romantic relationship and if so how that felt?

Hi thank you. If there was a physical problem, I ruled it out as being temporary at most.

I think the rejection was the thing. The only times I’ve ever told this story like this were to my current partner recently, on mojo, and on another online anonymous forum.

One thing I struggle with is that I don’t feel stress outwardly, but I believe it’s there underneath. I’ve always internalized stress and adversity in my life and never been outward with it, and in this situation I think I’m having trouble reading myself.

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